AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Don't give up your career at this point. You will regret it. Use in-home help.

Echoing what others have said really.

How will you feel when they are teenagers and going off doing their own thing a lot more ? Will you be disappointed that you didn’t finish training then ?

I hear you about the 5 years still to go and being in nursery so long, there’s no perfect answer unfortunately.

My 3 were in nursery from 7.30am-6pm 5 days a week and I would rush to work, rush to nursery, rush to feed them etc, for years (and I’m not even a Doctor, nor have the salary to match). We are out the other side now, I work remotely, we will have some money and they don’t seem emotionally scared by the experience.

You and your DH need to work together, surely he can reduce his hours, you can move locations - why work like dogs for a tiny flat with no garden and rubbish schools?

Relocate and try and finish your training would be my suggestion. You will have so many more choices after that.

So you've been part time for 6 years already but your DH just can't possibly go part time and so you're going to give up your career entirely?

I think you'd probably end up regretting it. I realize it will be grueling and you will hardly see your children until they are 11 and 7. But if you give up you will likely feel pretty unfulfilled in 3 years time when they are both in school 5 days a week.

I feel for you OP. Many of my colleagues are in the same boat, horrendous mama (and papa) guilt, long commutes, stressed about work and about home,

But I’ve seen them when they are nearly at the end of their training so excited to be nearly there and within reach of a “normal” life.

My advice would be don’t give up!! You’re literally saving lives every damn day and your children will grow up being so so proud of you. Talk to your colleagues, I guarantee you are not alone in feeling this way, share ideas with them. Set yourself little goals and countdowns until you are a badass consultant!! Definitely talk to your dh about sharing the load, about what you can do together to get you to the finish line. Move house, hire a nanny, hire a tutor just don’t give up you warrior

Btw I worked full time and I remember feeling like this (but I was also a single parent so didn't have much choice). I just wouldn't want to waste all those years of training you have done so far for a parenting stage that does change and get easier.

I would fully qualify then make the decision. You can then work part time or however you want to dice and change your job. It sounds like you need better support at home (a different nanny?) and I would look to change schools if you aren't happy with the one you have (maybe you need to move to an area where you can get a larger place?)

Is there a different solution such as moving to an area of work that us not so demanding but still uses your medical skills and knowledge? I work part time which has killed my career (City type role) and I often feel as though it’s the worst of both worlds, and I am failing as a mother and in my career. However, other times it’s the best of both worlds with relatively high pay for a few days work, especially since I moved to a less stressful role. That said, I still resent the fact I feel I’ve failed in my career and haven’t progressed past a fairly junior level despite 15 years of experience. It’s a very personal balance. Is it possible to try being SAHM for a while then return to work if you want to, either in current role or another?

I'm a nurse and I know how much you guys put into your training and how many long long hours you have to work. It made me realise how nice three 12 hour shifts a week are. I wanted to retrain as a doctor at one point until I realised how much of your life you have to give up for the job and I wasn't willing to do that. Is there a way of changing your speciality to something a bit less demanding than surgical? If you wanted to of course.

I'd be very tempted to leave the job to be with my kids personally. Are there any other options apart from changing your speciality? I can understand how part time probably isn't great if you're training as a surgeon. I don't envy you at all - a career in medicine is so bad for a good work life balance and so many of the doctors in my unit don't have kids or partners and I think this is quite sad.

I don’t think you should give up work completely. In a few years your children will have very different needs, and in a few more after that they will have fled the nest.

If you don’t like where you live now, you don’t have family support, and the school isn’t great, would it be possible to consider moving house? Presumably doctors are needed everywhere? Would you feel better if you were living in a house with a garden?

Life in your current home without holidays etc doesn’t sound as if it will be much fun.

On the work issue, is there a reason your DH couldn’t change his hours so he could do more child stuff? I understand he says he can’t work part time, but is that actually true? Do none of his colleagues in similar positions work flexibly (male or female)? It doesn’t seem fair that his career gets the green light whereas yours is struggling.

I think you would regret not passing your exams in the longer term.

I would just give up work to be a mum. Can you not keep doing your job part time? That means you keep your hand in and can ramp up when the kids need you less.

For context, I'm a single mum in a BIG job, I've never had a reliable man. A lot of the time I feel like I'm failing my kids because I'm stretched thinly. I do worry what the long term implications are.

I am not a doctor or a surgeon, just a mum who worked full time. I can only tell you that by around 8 years old they need you less intensely. Could you maybe put it on hold for six or seven yeara?