AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Can you not locum for a while as CT and pick up only day shifts or weekends/when Dh Isn't working? That way you're keeping your foot in the door,still earning but on your terms?

Also agree that DH should consider impacting f his career for sake of family too

That's so tough when it's something that you've put so much effort in to.

The day my first was born, I knew they'd trump everything else in my life. They didn't ask to be born so it's just my personal opinion that they deserve to the best childhood I'm capable of providing. To me that means being around

I have a little boy and a stressful job but one I leave at work (very lucky). When deciding my hours going back to work my sister just said to me that she regretted the time she didn't spend with her son when he was little. I'm going back on three days a week and that will be all. I don't want my baby's first years to pass me by. I feel for you having to make such a decision

Good advice there.
I have to reiterate something though.
By pausing for say 3 years, you are not throwing it all away are you? The skills and level you have got to, you could re enter and go over what you have already achieved?
@HazelBite look what you did achieve though, you achieved what you set out to do, you bought the dc up and managed to get back into your workforce, don’t feel so bad on yourself, celebrate how well you did that .

Honestly reading your reply, I think you’ll regret it. I note your husband is willing to offer support for anything that lets him continue as he is. That’s never a good foundation for moving forward.

Really recommend finding a good female mentor and consider taking the 3 month career break to think things through and get child care sorted again.

You're kids are only that age once, if you miss those times it's gone.

I'd enjoy being with them and building the memories.
I think I'd have regret if I chose career and missed kids growing up.

Don’t give up your career. I would suggest getting some serious career counseling from your deanery. There are other alternatives.

Lots of sensible advice but echoing what @lolalovesmarmite says about ‘regrets of the dying’. You also need to be sure about your relationship and finances moving forward. Keep your hand in work but maybe compromise the ideal career.
I’m now in mid 50s , seen other colleagues hit marital issues/ have ill health / dealt with teenagers with issues ( it’s not just the little ones that take your time) . Thank goodness have accrued pension and can retirement plan. Don’t give medicine up but try to rethink how you can try and make it work better for you.

I am writing this as a woman in her 60's who has retired.
I had no opportunity to take a part time role in my career when the Dc's came along and ended up trying to juggle full time work using a full time nanny (virtually no nurseries available in those days) financially it wasn't good so I became a full time Mum.
Economics forced me to return to work (2 grades lower than when I left) and initially it was terrifying but by the time I retired I was back at the grade I was when I first left.
However I have been left with a real sense of non achievement that I have never fulfilled my potential and it both troubles and upsets me.
I know it only says wife and mother on a tombstone, but think very very hard about your own sense of achievement.
Will you be happy to be home all day every day in your current home?
Being a full time Mum is not a bed of roses and it often makes your world very small.
As other PP's have said your children as they grow, grow less needy, and you could end up doing some mundane job when they are both at school purely for the money with no sense of self satisfaction or achievement.
You know your own feelings best don't make any life changing decisions because you currently feel backed into a practical and economic corner.
Good luck I really feel for you

* If I gave up we would move out of town (bigger home, garden, school) but it would mean a long commute for DH, (which he doesn't mind if I was at home to support him).*

Are you in London?
So many fantastic towns on outskirts that wouldn’t mean a long commute

I did it. Quality of life soared and 40 mins to London

I have been working full time in a frontline role since dc were young and it’s very tough.i also was a LP for most of it.
It’s very hard, like another OP said I was constantly rushing to feed them, dress them, get to work etc and the same at end of shift in reverse.But once I was home my job was done, I was able to focus on them fully, you cannot do that at present , therefore feel you are short changing them and yourself which is totally understandable.
im through the other side now with one left home and a teen and have time on my hands.I could restart now in my mid forties if I wished with study etc
If you are not forced to do it for money, don’t do it, to have that choice is a godsend.
I don’t even think for the children, just for yourself.cut yourself some slack.In 3 years or so they will both be at school and you can start studying again.Add in breakfast and after school club.
If you have to for the money then you are going to need a better support system,is there any grandparents or aunts/uncles that can help?
Every working parent has this battle, I think you have to have a hard talk with yourself and decide and commit, you are no good to your self or job and children if in a constant mind battle, you will burn yourself out.I’ve been there.
If I had had a choice I would have parked my career for less stress, that’s being honest and going against the grain of my beliefs that mothers /women/parents should be able to have it all.Home is important, children and you are important , if you give up and your 6 yr old still struggles in a year, you know you gave it your best shot.

Hey,
Its really rubbish isn't it. I'm a paeds trainee, so no where near as bad as surgery.

So, I think you need to keep your hand in the game. Are you married to surgery? If I were you, rather than giving up, I would apply for gp training. You can do it part time easy. It'll all be in the same place. The last year to year and a half is all in a gp surgery which will be nine to five so you only have to do a bit more hospital medicine. Depending on how part time you do it, you could be done in as little as 3 years.

Problem with surgery is not only is it really hard, but you've also got the bottle neck to get to registrar level... Presumably you've not got past that yet if you are still thinking exams. Obviously, this means you are having to work extremely hard so you are competitive.

While I've had my children young my first priority was just keeping it going. But I acknowledge that is much easier in paeds run through than in surgery. If you possibly can, just keep it going.

As for older needing you less

I guess it’s how you parent

I want to be aRound for my teens. They won’t need me to wipe their bum but I went to be available for times when they have friendship / school / teacher / emotional issues

I had that with my SAHM and I want to do The same for mine. Hence now back in only local and part time

He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects (there is still quite a lot of sexism about this in medicine).

So your husband CAN go part time. He’s just choosing not to as it will have a negative impact on his career prospects. Yet he’s presumably happy for you to give up your career completely? You’ve done the part time already to enable him to progress his career when the children were small. It’s his turn to make sacrifices for the next few years.

I’m at the Bar (and in an area which requires a lot of travel).My DH is as well. I remember after my second wanting to quit. My career was not going well and home life was not much better. It all just felt like “what’s the point?” We had no money, because it all went on childcare. We had a huge mortgage for a small house

I remember speaking to a colleague who told me, “don’t give up, just keep your foot in the door”. I carried on part-time. I’m not going to lie, at times, it was not much fun, but it got better. I now earn more then my DH and am doing really well. My youngest is in school so our childcare costs are massively reduced. We actually have disposable income.

So my advice don’t quit. Consider if transfer to another area may be more compatible with your life.

Can you not transfer departments? I have read before working on surgery ward is difficult to maintain a family/work balance.

Honestly, I would not recommend giving up your qualifications and job to rely solely on a man. One day you will want to return to work, why don't you just redirect your career and put some work in?

Also I don't understand why you both are living so poorly. There are hospitals all over the country?

I used to be cooking at 5pm whilst the children playing around me, radio on, and think - I am happy and not stressed. I really remember that.

I still often do the above still (now more after schooL activities , well Pre lockdown) my daughter playing whilst my son reading or on his switch - and I thank my lucky star I am not rushing around like a bike arsed fly and the children are so content and settled.

I think a critical point you have mentioned is your nanny recently quitting. At your stage in my career I had 3 under 6 and we had some major childcare issues. Finally fell lucky with a decent nanny who still helps us many years later. Medicine always demands more. I’m a medic. Worked part-time since children but always you need extra time to allocate for ‘work’ - additional learning/ admin etc probably means factoring in an additional day at least of childcare to put some slack in for you. Surgery is a tough specialty. Don’t kid yourself it will be easier when the kids are older and you are a consultant- two consultant parents is a tricky juggle for family life. At the moment I imagine finances are also a strain. Are you both dead set on surgery? Would another specialty be more forgiving? Also remember to look after yourself first.

I’m going against the grain here, but in your place I would quit. I used to do an extremely demanding but very rewarding job. It was a progressive career, rather than just a job, and it required routine very long days and lengthy absences. I decided that I wanted to raise my children myself, rather than put them into nursery full time. I didn’t want their abiding memory of childhood to be me rushing around and passing them from pillar to post to be able to do a job that left me exhausted for the little time I was with them. I left my career behind without a backwards glance. Children are only children for such a small time really. I also read an article by a palliative care nurse about what people regretted at the end of their lives, and she said that nobody ever says they wish they had worked more. They wished they had had more time to spend with their families and the people that mattered.

It’s a deeply personal decision. You have to do what is right for you. If you’re going to give up your career, you also have to be confident in your relationship with your husband. Will he resent you? If you did split up, and you had no easy career to pick up again, your financial position would be so much more precarious.

I hope your life gets easier, whatever you decide.

Deliberately not assuming over salaraies - doctors salaries have stagnated like many others and I imagine in London, it’s not ideal. Also know changing specialities or training programme locations can be hard and some are competitive.

Give it up
I did. Not a surgeon but full on financial job involving long commute and study.

No regrets.

The children now 8 and 10, and I’m back part time in local completely different job. Enjoy it, much lower pay, no stress.

So good for my children and I benefited so much too

Worked with many doctors and I think still only 10% of surgical trainees are women. Seen some swaps out of surgery to education roles in Medical Schools.

Can you move specialty training? Know someone who has made the move - you’re on lower grades for longer and still have exams (things will ease up when smallest goes to school).

Can you do anything out of programme?

I also imagine from what you have said that you live in the south as a doctors (even in training grades) would normally buy a decent starter home in the north - but lots of doctors now, unless both are full time and consultants, use state.

I wouldn’t give up my career full stop as you never know what is down the line. I’d be wary about giving up medicine when you start prepping and doing it when you are 16. Unless you really are at the end of the road with wanting to do it. But it doesn’t sound like you are?

Have you got any senior female colleagues you can discuss it with?

Finally, has your husband completed on his exams and training as you’ve done may leave and childcare to enable it? If so he has a responsibility to back you up too.

In the blink of an eye your children will be grown and spending your life with guilt and having regrets is no life.
I would be loathed to give it all up too, can you transfer into something with less stress and where you can maintain your part time status without it imposing into your home life? It might not be your dream job, it may not fill your potential but if it enables you to be a happy wouldn't it be better?

Thats a really tough one. Are you a qualified doctor training now to be a surgeon? Could you scrap the surgery part and pick another less demanding specialty?