AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Also I wouldn’t want to live towards London way due to the cost I personally worry for my child/children how they would manage to afford everything once they decided to leave home. I work with a girl who is from Oxford and now she lives in a very nice part of the North... how ignorant of you.

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

And what would you live on? I think you have been sadly misinformed about the salary of a junior doctor (or NHS consultant, for that matter - yes private work pays well, most of us do not do private work).

You are not going to pay the mortgage (or rent) on a two bedroom flat in London on £40k total household income. It’s a good wage, but it isn’t enough to support a wife and two children in the lap of luxury while your wife puts her feet up in a little hobby job. Maybe if you live in one of these mythical northern towns where a five bedroom house costs three and sixpence. Not in the south east.

@doctormumoftwo just read your update and glad you have a way forward. There is nothing to feel guilty about in having a career at all.

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

Couldn’t help commenting on this little gem. I suspect most doctors wouldn’t be interested in men or women like you...

Great to see your update OP and I hope it works out well for you. Also, thank you and your husband for your fantastic work. Best of luck.

My friend was a surgical consultant. Had 2 DC then retrained as a GP because it child friendly. Currently age 11 & 6. Picking up more shifts now at hospital as they're both at school. Worked only 2 days pre both starting school. It did take a while for her to requalify on the hours.
Her older DD has just started private school.
So the money does give options in the longer term.
No advice, just someone's solution to a difficult problem.
Good luck whatever you decide.

OP, I'm not in medicine but I have dipped out of a full on, demanding and fulfiling 20 year career a few years ago to be more at home. I spent the DC's early years working long hours and being very preoccupied with work even when I wasn't there! My DC are 10 and 14 now and things are still very full on with them and the general running a household- its not just childcare of course! My observations for what its worth - when I look back on their earlier years, i don't know how I did it! With hindsight I realise how stressed i was and I did miss out on a lot of priceless times with them and time for my own wellbeing. My marriage also suffered at that time due to how stressed i was. But I loved work and got loads out of it. From my own (and other friends I know) kids don't need you less as they get older, they just need you differently. I never understand the 'it will get easier' mantra as it certainly hasn't for us! The poster who said you can't have two people in 'big jobs' at once nailed it for me. So in our family now, I am the primary DC support, housekeeper, chef, PA, social secretary, odd job and gardening woman and general project manager for most things! I also work a bit part time in a role much more junior than I am cabable of and I do some managerial level voluntary work to still stretch my 'work' brain! Regrets? I do feel crap and bitter sometimes about my career and what 'might have been' if I had stayed. Dipping out is hard on the ego, especially when you see colleagues who were your juniors steaming ahead and when your job was part of your identity. There are also times I am SO glad i am around more for my DC now - things are still v demanding with them, especially the teenager. The whole teenage mental health thing is relevant and having accessible parents around to just chat etc after school when things aren't going smoothly. If I had taken the other path, I know I would have regretted it more than the wistful thoughts I have about my career. So, its ups and downs and a pig of a decision either way. Listen to your guts and heart to try and identify what is right for you. Best of luck .

I would qualify, because you have worked so hard and may regret it later. Look into getting a new nice nanny to help with reading , make yourself play with them (I worked full time since ds was 5 months old , I KNOW it is hard) . Your kids need you, you make time, it is just as important as housework or making meals . Easier said than done. Honestly just find clever ways to make it work for you.

I don't think you should quit your job. You must have worked so hard to get to this point. The needs of your children will change and some of the difficulties you're facing now will become less of an issue. I'd try and imagine your life in 1/5/7 years - what do you want it to look like in terms of children, home-life, career, finances etc. You may need to strike a balance in the near-term to help you achieve your longer term aims. I am not medically trained so I can't offer you advice but exploring alternative specialisms within medicine sounds like a possible. Also, I think you need to share the near-term sacrifices with your partner. I also work FT and have two children - there's been sacrifices in terms of career AND parenting but we have a good balance now and we can turn things up/down in the future as we require (e.g. more focus on our career) and we have the financial stability that provides more options in the future.

Secnarf and Theld - great educational posts

OP I follow a lady on Instagram called @thesurgeonmum. I’m not in medicine, I follow her because she posts really useful stuff about kid’s health - but she also posts about balancing family life with surgery. Maybe look at her page and get in touch with her?

@Secnarf I wish someone like were around to give me the advise you've offered here a couple years ago!! I've copied your response and have been reading it... it has certainly offered more clarity than any of the colleagues I've spoken to.

I hope it's not too late for me yet ...

@Theld that's a lovely post

Yes I'm sure they will be, mine are still quite a bit younger than that. And it was a joke.

They should be making their own packed lunches from 10 onwards!

When I went back to the office was surprised how capable my late primary kids were as they needed to step up - it’s good for them. Slightly horrified at how babied some of my 11 year olds friends are tbh

I'm a hands on mum, I even packed lunchboxes for DC this morning and I iron my own shirts, DH is so lucky!

Hmm that sounds odd. Oh I know why, no penis.

They normally describe them as 'hands on' dads. I don't know what a 'hands on' mum is - just a mum?

Oh I know @Hardbackwriter ... they just can’t see the irony can they?

On the 'who is closer to their kids, SAHMs or WOHMs' - a very silly debate: I always think it's astonishing how many women on MN insist that not working was absolutely essential for their bond with their children, but still say - with no trace of irony - that their DHs, who work long hours, frequently work away, etc, are amazing dads with a brilliant relationship with their kids.

Completely agree @GoatCheeseTart

I was born in the 1960s so unsurprisingly my parents had very traditional roles - my mum was a SAHM and only picked up a bit of part time work when we were all in secondary school. Dad had a career and was pretty much sole earner. I get on well with both but tbh am closer to my dad, and the fact that it was always mum at home, then later picking us up from school and giving us tea, while dad was busy at the office, had had no bearing on the quality of my relationships with them. Relationships are far more than just quantifiable hours spent in the same house!

I do understand that things were very different back then with no regulated childcare and limited opportunities for women, and my mum didn’t have the choices she would have now. Which is a shame because she’s just as bright as my dad and I think it would have benefited her to have a ‘wider’ life experience.

I think it’s hugely important to remember that while we should all expect our children to be respectful of what we do for them, it’s wrong to go into parenthood expecting ‘something back’ from them. We’re the ones who choose to have children and the joy of that should be the reward in itself. Not expecting that sacrificing a huge aspect of our life will result in some sort of ‘payback’ through having a closer bond, or happier children.

Coffee of course I am not claiming working mothers have better relationships with their children. Quite the opposite, that being SAHM or WOHM does not determine how good your relationship with your children is.
As Theld said: "Whether you stayed at home or worked I don't think ultimately determines if they'll be visiting you in that care home."

Valid point, Theld - my MIL was a lifelong SAHM, my mother is what MIL would call a full on career woman. I am much closer to my mum than my DH or SILs are to MIL.

Whatever your reasons for working or not working, and both are valid choices, it is honestly the same as bottle or breastfeeding when the children are grown up. An issue that looms large at the time but when they are adults you can't tell the difference. It is no determinant of your life long relationship with your children,

I think this should be a permanent sticker on every page here, so people stop with the 'oh just take a little break'.

You can't take a break and go back to surgery later
Not at all. No chance. You quit you quit for good.