AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Another one here who doesn't understand why your DH isn't having to make these difficult decisions. They're his kids too. If he can go part time then I don't see why he shouldn't. I don't know why you're worrying about him facing sexism at work when it's you who is expected to do the good wife/mother thing and quit your job.

Sounds to me like you're being a bit shafted on this.

I agree with fancyminion, it sounds like you're making a decision based on your current set of circumstances. I work full time as does my dh. Long hours. Luckily for me now i get to wfh but that only happened when the dcs were already 6,4 and 2, so we had a good 6 years of the scrambling around every morning, running out the door to nurseries, military routines to enable it.

My dh would also be delighted if i hadn't pursued my career. What's not to love about having even less of the mental load to carry and barely any of the physical load? It's selfish and there seems to be no emotional intelligence in that position that we as women and mothers would maybe also like our careers facilitated. Who'd have thought!!?

In your position, I'd probably give myself 6 months. It's not long and much could have changed my then. I'd use it to consider different routes within medicine but also just to "be". If you've promised yourself you can jack it all in in 6 months if you really hate carrying on then that takes the pressure off somewhat. Look for a new nanny, settle her in, get Christmas and the new year out of the way and come at it fresh.

I wouldn’t quit either. You are an amazing, clever, talented woman that has achieved so much. You have come this far and giving it up may make you feel unfulfilled, invisible, resentful & disappointed, if not now in 5 or more years.

There must be a compromise.

Think about your life when your children have flown the nest. What do you see yourself doing? What kind of job would you want to/be able to do? Or would you be happy being a housewife?
I think that's the crucial aspect. Because from what I've seen the regret about giving up your job sets in when the kids need you less.

Oh OP, what a tough situation for you.

After my first son I changed jobs because remaining in it meant my son would have been in childcare 9-5pm for four days and even that was too much for me.

I have two children now, work 25 hours a week and it’s wonderful. I feel like my home and my children are my life and my job is just something I do two times a week. My eldest son is 6 and four days a week I get to take him to school, pick him up from school, go to the assemblies, presentations, go into class with him to do art lessons and maths lessons etc and it means so much to him.

My youngest has just turned three and in alignment with him now being entitled to 30 hours childcare I have taken up a university I can primarily do two days a week from home in order to retrain for something that will be even more family friendly than my current job does.

There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty for not seeing your children - it’s completely normal and it’s only right we should miss our children if we aren’t spending much time with them.

My mom worked full time when I was younger and even now, aged 36, I remember how much I wished she’d been around more. Obviously I’m not scarred by her not being a daily prevalent person in my life but that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter to me at the time.

You have my sympathy

I think it is very poor that all the sacrifices have to be made by you.
The sexism isn't just in medicine, it's alive and well in your marriage.

If you were my daughter I would be terrified at the thought that you were giving up a career that you have worked so hard for because you are feeling like a single parent.

I certainly would be telling you to get a nanny in and push through.

I wouldn't want you to be depending on a man who would see you sacrifice your career.
Not the actions of a good man that really has your back.

You are too tired to see this.

You need,
I think a good nanny to see you through and support you through these years.

Also, a husband who needs to step up rather than be someone who is solely focused on his career.

I would hate for you to be reliant on your husband financially, having given up everything.

I think you will bitterly regret giving all you have worked for, for your children, and it won't take many years to feel that bitter regret.

Don’t quit. Being a working mother is incredibly hard. The pressure and guilt goes across the board and the burden is always the mothers.

You don’t know what the future will bring and honestly for many many mothers the once the novelty of being a SAHM has work off it’s not a fulfilling as you expect. Some people are made for stay at home parenting - some find it soul destroying, repetitive, mind numbing and also also a very dangerous place to be financially.

Don’t give up your career to save his unless it’s something your 100% wanting to do.

I think this is a difficult one especially in the current climate.

I quit my job when I became a SAHM eighteen years ago. I don’t regret being there for DS for one second, however I decided to return to work when he was eight and when we’d realised we couldn’t have any more DC, and i found it impossible. For me things are slightly different in that I have a disability so the numbers of jobs are less, i also got divorced when DS was ten so no longer had my DH’s income to rely on. but ten years, and admittedly a serious illness which took me out of the game for three years, later and I have still been unable to find work.

And now I am in a position where given the current climate and the ever increasing number of people who are unemployed, I don’t believe I am ever going to be able to find a job.

Being a surgeon isn’t just your average office job or even career. For most people being a surgeon is as much a vocation as a job, and unless you hate doing it, I believe you would regret giving it up. I also sympathise with your DH, because essentially saying he should go part time means two people giving up careers for the sake of a couple of years, careers where you would both be left behind.

For people saying OP should commute, that is far more difficult in a job where you’re working nights/having to be on call. You can’t live an hour away if you’re on call overnight and have to get there relatively quickly, that would likely mean having to stay at the hospital instead and not seeing children at all on those days so definitely wouldn’t make things easier.

Add into the equation the current climate we’re in. I think becoming a SAHM is a dangerous road to go down at the moment, because the chances of getting back into work are going to be that much less given we’re in more of an employer’s market than ever before and jobs are going to be less with more applicants, and employers are even more likely to choose those with more current experience.

Only you can decide, but your children will only ever be children for a few years, and while on the one hand you don’t want to miss these years, on the other hand where do you see yourself when they’ve left home and your DH is a consultant and you’ve been a SAHM for eighteen years with no current experience or training.

Before I even opened this I reckoned you were going to be a junior doctor. Are you in MMM or PMGUK? You will get lots of advice there from women doctors in the same position. There is a really good LTFT group also. My OH is a surg trainee and I'm in another specialty and we make it work by both working 80%.
Personally I wouldn't give up as it gets SO much better once you CCT - more autonomy and proper sessional working.

We can manage with nursery as I do NROC and have pretty stable hours (non acute specialty) but if I was a surgical reg or in something like obgyn or EM too then we would definitely get a nanny. This is just a shit crunch time - small kids and the miserable bit of your career.

Women in surgery are so important and you're doing a brilliant thing. I'm pretty sure there is a surgeon mums group for support too. You're v welcome to PM me, good luck

I would give it up to be with the kids, and I say that as someone who is definitely not a super mum maternal type. I just think you would have so many regrets about not having the time with them and you sound so sad and stressed already. But at the same time, I would insist in moving out of the city to live somewhere cheaper where you could afford a nicer house with a garden so that your quality of life is better because it sounds like that is making you miserable too.

Sounds to me like you need support from your DH. It's not fair for it all to be on you. That's not an equal partnership.

Tara, are you alarmed that a surgeon may be a human?

Don’t quit. Get that FT nanny and switch your child’s school if it’s not great.

Anecdotal, but one of my closest friends was born when both his parents were in medical training. His mother quit to look after him while his father continued, and spent a life struggling with regret and resentment — and my friend felt horrifically guilty.

I think you need to speak to your educational supervisor or training programme director about your feelings. Part time surgical training is hard but if you and your DH both went to 80% then you should get plenty of theatre time. It’s definitely possible for men to go LTFT.

Or I’d switch training programmes. GP is only 3 years and you might even get a bit knocked off as you’ve already done quite a bit of surgical training. I know it’s not the same but GPwSI in minor ops? Have a think and don’t do anything too quickly. Once you’re out of Medicine it’s Incredibly hard to get back in.

Of course if you don’t like the job thats different but it read as though it’s practical aspects making life difficult.

P.S. GP great for being able to live wherever you want in UK if you decide to move when your DH gets a consultants post.

If I was being operated on I would rather not have a surgeon in your position. I have never considered or knew that surgeons had this predicament. I find it alarming.

I think SAHMs are wonderful and it has been the best decision for some of my friends and also my DSis. I was so envious of them when our DCs were little. But it wasn’t for me, I had worked too hard already to give up my career.

So, if I were you, I wouldn’t quit after all the hard work you have put in. It’s a personal decision only you can make. But you sound like the kind of person who may be sad when your kids are older and you have little to contribute career wise and financially at home. Also, think about your sense of self/identity if it’s important to you to challenge yourself intellectually and be paid for your work. I like being paid, and I like my work status/identity.

I’m a city lawyer and worked full time from when DC were 1.3 and 4. My god, it was gruelling. I pushed on and 10 years later I have no regrets. Glad I invested in my own future. It’s so much easier when they get older and they are more independent!

When DCs were young we managed by having full time nanny as well as nursery so nanny could do child related housekeeping / shopping errands. Also had a cleaner and gardener. We didn’t earn a lot (no holidays /new clothes etc) but I saw it as an investment into our future - and mainly, I felt less guilty about the DCs (our nanny was exceptional).

Having the extra help at home means the time away from work with DCs is quality family time. My DCs now say they are proud of my career and they are inspired to work hard . They are also independent and resilient so I have no regrets that they missed out.

Also my DCs are themselves, driven to be the best they can be as people (not necessarily academically). They see how hard we work and that this pays off long term.

Is your DH sharing the mental load here? I don’t understand why you can go part time but it’s too harmful to his career. Is there sexism in your relationship as well as the surgical profession? What are you modelling to your DCs about this (not a problem if it doesn’t worry you though).

I’m sure your DH’s career /lifestyle would benefit from you not working.

Be very careful about relying on one/ his income.

When my DH was unable to work, my income was a great relief. It’s a risk to lose that. I have friends who have lost their DHs and it would be awful to have reduced earning capacity in that situation.

Think about how you will feel in 10/15 years if you stop now. It sounds like you are making this decision based on your immediate circumstances. And I so remember how that felt. I used to use the analogy of keeping my foot in the door - but it was jammed in there so tight that It was very painful grin].

Good luck, I’m sure ton and your DH will make the best decision for your family.

You are making all the compromises here. They are his children too, yet the burden seems to all be on you.

Here here oaktree55, it’s the acting upon that is the bravest part to do now.
I wish I had had the choice, I would have taken it like a shot, to be able to be at the school plays, to be the one to collect them from school, to collect them when nursery or school called me to say they were sick( instead of a grandparent)
I think children need good role models, I know my dc know how hard I work/worked when they were young, it’s good for them to see, but that’s once they get a bit more self sufficient like double figure age.when they were the ages of op’s children, mum being there was all that would of mattered.
Perhaps I’m biased too as I lost my mum when young and envied all the children going home or play dates with their children after school.

I quit my job, never looked back tbh.
Yes, money was tight, but I was around more for the kids and that was worth more than anything.

I've just sent my DD off to secondary, I've got a part time job I'll do until she leaves education, then I'll go back to full time work.

@Fatted
About 50% of the replies are advising to give up

Hi OP. Another here saying go for it - quit and give yourself a break. The pressure on you and your family will be massively relieved. Day-to-day that is not something to be sniffed at. Life is short and your kids will absolutely flourish having you there for them. Lots of professional parents where I am who have stepped out of the rat race and don’t look back! Family life is so precious!

I have a very un-mumsnet opinion about this, but I think you should quit. For all of the equality, pension contributions and everything else, the reality I've found with two kids is that one parent needs to have the big job and the other parent needs to be available physically and emotionally for the kids. Unless you have a lot of help, two parents in big jobs is impossible. I'm also going to say something very unpopular and I do think it effects your kids not being there.

I've recently had a few life changing events in my life which is probably skewing my opinion. But I don't for one minute regret spending time with my kids over working more. I don't think I ever will.

100% quit. I say this from experience. You’ll regret it otherwise and you won’t get your children’s childhoods back. It seems deep down you’ve already made the decision you just feel guilty enacting it. Just do it. Be brave you won’t regret it.