AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

My youngest started school last year and everything got SO MUCH easier.

Do you love surgery? There must have been a reason you went down that route in the first place as opposed to some of the more family friendly specialities. I have friends in a similar position to you and now they’ve both hit consultant levels, everything feels much easier. Are there options you can look at until the 2yo is in school?

It sounds like you would benefits from seeing different perspectives.

Have you a mentor? Is there coaching available that could help you with these decisions. It is hard to see the fill picture and possible options when you are in the thick of it.

Sorting out home life sounds like it would help - including moving house.

Can you move sideways into anything slightly different that's less demanding for the next 5 years or so? The dc will grow up....

Would it be bearable if your DH would take the hit of part time? He needs to accept he either screws your career to benfit him (really, you’re the only looser if you quit) or does his share of putting up with raised eyebrows at work and not progressing as fast.

I work in a related speciality and we’ve only got one surgical female trainee in a large teaching hospital. Not easy.

He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects

I hope you see the irony there.

I gave up my career and deeply regret it. I wouldn't make that decision if I could do it all again. If you do give up and you regret it, the resentment when you watch your OH progress and you stagnate is enormous.

You and your DH need to work together to find ways to solve this.

First, the oldest is only 6. Some children only start school at that age. There's no reading falling behind crap at that age.

Then, it seems to me that the father isn't having the same concerns. He needs to step up during this phase of your life massively, if necessary.

Finally, and this is for women in general, you cannot do everything. I wasn't going to have children before I did my PhD, let alone two.
Although my SIL needed to have her children during her junior years because of medical issues, or she might never have them.
If you do have children during difficult periods, your option shouldn't be to quit, but look what support you can get. Even if it is your OH that takes some leave.

It saddens me to see women throw away their careers and earning potential and independence.

I would carry on, even if it means a different discipline and needing to train again (GP?)? I think you will regret it when they are at school.
I think some careers are just harder to pick up later - IT (rate of change), medicine (the "track" is hard to hop on and off), certain types of law..
It's also a wonderful example to set for the kids once you're through this tricky time.

Easier to keep going really!

I juggled my career and two dc and I'm so glad I did. I split from my ex due to his affair and I was in a financially stable position to stay in the house, buy him out, pay for childcare etc. My dc are now older and more self sufficient and again I'm glad I saw out my job, as I'm still financially stable, love my job and I now have the flexibility to be around a lot more for my dc. I have friends that made different choices to me and although seemed happier and with their kids in the early years it only took a few years and they said they wished they'd built up their careers.

I did miss out on some of my dc day to day stuff and I did use a childminder but both my kids are well rounded individuals and very sociable so I don't think I did too bad a job, and they didn't suffer as a result

Just read through and saw you have 5-6 years of training full time left which would mean you're around ST2/3?

I would never give up my job to be dependent on a man. If you split up you've no idea how long it would take to split assets etc. I really encourage women to keep their financial independence.

The one thing I know is that, at the end, you won’t look back and smile fondly remembering the long hours working. You will look back and smile at the happy times spent with loved ones and your children.

I’m not saying quit, but I am saying change something so that you & your children have something to smile about when you look back.

If you’re smart enough to become a doctor, you’ve got the ability to find a solution. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Change something.

How far into your training are you? I'm a haematology reg just gone back off maternity leave and due to go off again in November so I know its hard but I think medicine does lend itself to being LTFT better than surgery does. Are you LTFT now?
I dont think there's a right or wrong answer, but would you regret giving up your training number? Is there an option of side stepping into a speciality doctor role which might be a bit more predictable in terms of hours etc (although don't know if can then resume training)?
Just my thoughts and ramblings. Are you a member of PGMUK on Facebook? You'll definitely get some good advice there.

He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects (there is still quite a lot of sexism about this in medicine).

So your husband CAN go part time. He’s just choosing not to as it will have a negative impact on his career prospects. Yet he’s presumably happy for you to give up your career completely? You’ve done the part time already to enable him to progress his career when the children were small. It’s his turn to make sacrifices for the next few years.

^^ this. Totally this

I was offered my dream job when my dc were the age that yours are now. I turned it down precisely because I wanted to be able to spend time with them while they were young, and I have remained in my previous job which I don't love, but it offers a good balance of responsibility and flexibility. That was 4 years ago and I know I made the right decision for us, but that's not to say I don't regret being unable to take up that opportunity.

One thing that jumped out from your op was that your parents used to help but are unable to due to covid. That may change at some point? I would take the temporary pause in your situation, if that is possible. So many parents are missing a big part of their support network right now, but it may not be forever.

I gave up my big career 6 years ago and don’t regret it in the slightest. Those saying children don’t need you as they got older are not necessarily correct. My DC are 14 and 11 now.

I think it comes down to which you value the most and which will make you happy. I didn’t love my job (I don’t love parenting either!) but I couldn’t deal with the stress of childcare and the guilt.

It’s such a personal decision though, there isn’t a right answer that’s the same for everyone.

Can you take a sabbatical for a couple of years then resume your career?
Put your aspirations on hold and be a full-time mum until the youngest is in school. Relocate to somewhere bigger with a garden. Go on cheap camping holidays.
Whatever you decide, make sure it is what you want and not what you think you should do.

Don't quit! Transfer to GP and do it part time. Yes there is still training but I would try and see it through a different lens. You will still be a doctor and keep your career. A friend of mine is a trainee GP and she had her first baby in her 4th year of university. And her second during her GP training. She works 60% of the time and if I can be honest, isn't stressed out at all. Sometimes she might go over a week with no shift due to the way her hours work. The only irregular hours were when she did her rotation in A&E but now that that is done she is back to regular hours. This isn't an all or nothing situation - you have other options and are dismissing them out of hand. Yes it will take longer to qualify but so what?

Your dh needs to go PT as soon as he is qualified. Then you ramp up the hours til you qualify.

Only once you are both qualified Then decide who and what your family will look like.

I live in Manchester and know several families where one or both are medics and the medics work part time. They still are comparatively loaded have big houses in nice areas. I would consider moving.

I wouldn't quit OP. My DC is now older and I am redundant to them. Can you get in an au pair to manage the childcare issue?

Also - the part time work in surgery thing...

It's interesting that basically all surgeons are encouraged to do a PhD during their training. That's 3 years out of full time operating and no one really makes a big deal of it as long as you're picking up some locums and maybe the odd list on a day off. But dare to take a year mat leave or drop to part time and suddenly you're losing your skills?

OH and I have discussed this in the past and in his words (as a male surgeon) it's "anti-women anti-family bullshit"

He also took 2 months shared parental leave after DD was born and I went back to work and his TPD tried to tell him he "wasn't allowed". He informed her otherwise.

As you will be well aware these insidious sexist attitudes are alive and well in surgery and I can only imagine how hard it must be not to internalise them

It's so hard and sometimes working part time is worse than full time as you feel so stretched in every direction and like you aren't doing anything well. You also don't have the financial advantage of working full time.

I agree that finding a decent nanny will help hugely.

Please don't sacrifice your career for your husband to progress his. There is some good advice on this thread about potential options within medicine, about less stressful routes.

There is a real risk that if you gave it up, you will regret it and it could really build resentment in your marriage, it's already falling on you to sort this out. You must be driven and worked really hard to have got to this point and when they do need you less, you may wish you'd 'kept your hand in'.

It makes me angry that brilliant women like you are put into his position and feel like this.

I hesitate to say stop

Rather

I hear it are to say stop work. You have put in a lot and it’s valuable.