AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Can you do a bit of visualisation. (This is taken from 7 habits of highly effective people). When you have some calm time (possibly seems unlikely) imagine in the far distant future, that your friends, family and colleagues are gathered to celebrate your life after you have passed away. What do you want them to say about you.

Your children
Your partner
Your friends
Your colleagues.

Only you know the answer to whether it is the right thing to do for you. Your family is important but so are you as an individual who has worked so hard to get where you are.
How can you have a fulfilled life for you AND feel like you are giving your children everything that you need?

As a consultant surgeon with 2 children I understand your pain, but many people get through it, it gets easier. There are many options without quitting altogether. For example taking 6months unpaid leave just to get through exams without quitting altogether.
Have you joined the “mums in Surgery” Facebook group? Lots of support there.
Also I would expect your husband to help more. Can he go part time too? If you are both doctors you both have equal intelligence (although don’t forget studies have repeatedly shown better outcomes with female doctors and surgeons, so perhaps for the good of society you should ask him to quit his job) and equal financial power, you should take equal responsibility at home. It is really good for children to have a father with a strong role in their upbringing.

I was in a very intense, long hour job (not medicine, though, law) when I get pregnant and had to make a similar decision. I was a single mother so it wasn't an option not to work but I did have to have a massive re-assessment of whether I could work at that level. I decided to go into another area of law and to move to a different area of the country (which compensated for the drop in income).
You need to ask yourself; is it surgery or nothing? I think I would be looking at training to be a GP in your position, which I understand could be a lot more family friendly, whilst still meaning that you maintain a career (which I think is important for a woman).

I pursued my career 100% when my I was a single parent of one child. He had an amazing childminder. I dont do nursery because I think they should be in a proper home either with a childminder or nanny. Men dont feel guilt so why should we. The children will adapt. They always do. Get a good nanny so they are at home as much as possible. If you give up now you will regret it hugely in a few years time when they are both in school, leave home. Your opportunities will have gone. But ultimately the decision is yours. Your husband seems to have made his decision. It's a shame it has been left to you to make all the hard decisions about your children. I'd always go for career first because you cant rely on men long term.

I'd try very hard not to. I left a less steady career than yours when my kids were small. And regret it. Not the time I spent with them obv, but what I've lost in terms of income and yes, prestige (it was one of those jobs people go oooooo you do that? Wow! I seem to have spent the last 20 years explaining why I 'only' do a bit of ad hoc part time here and there.
My understanding from female doctor friends who have children is that once qualified and in your specialism you're can work part time quite easily. You seem to have done the hardest graft while having kids quite young. I wouldn't jack it in now unless there's a sure fire way of picking it up again

@Teateaandmoretea I’ve known her several years, she as much as it’s hard for some to believe wants to be a stay at home mum, I was sceptical at first but she is genuinely happy.

I had an exhausting role and I DID quit for the kids when they were a similar age.
Discovered the stress got worse. I couldn’t relax, worked out that I wasn’t someone who would be able to live a ‘slow’ life. It drove me round the bend and I was more unhappy. I also discovered to my shame that my calm patient nanny has been far better for my kids when it came to arts and crafts and lazy days than their perfectionist mum. In the end a very dear friend sat me down and told me to go back to doing what kept my brain buzzing because trying to be someone I wasn’t was simply not working for anyone.
I went back and winged it for a few years until I could turn the job part time and then get best of both worlds.
One tip. Both I, and a surgeon mum I know with 4 kids who qualified as a mum, swear by using good au-pairs, on top of nursery/nanny. We generally ended up brilliantly competent au pairs and the occasional lazy but crazy fun au pair (and usually had Male au pairs too).
Lots of ball-juggling but now I can pick and choose my work hours. My surgeon friend and her surgeon husband also made it through to the other side (and now have option of private work to boost earnings).

I on the other hand had to give up my career when I had my daughter as I am a single parent, I was bitter for a while but now she is a teen I know it was the correct decision and so glad I changed careers and was around for all school events and most sports events, can’t get that time back,

followed the path she wanted to rather than what was expected of her.

Hmm okay. I think the path expected of wives of surgeons is exactly the one she took.

So basically you can’t go part time DH can’t go part time but it’s your problem as a woman.

He is also a parent whatever his job is.

Don’t give up your career, at the very least change direction if there is no other choice. You and DH seem totally non-compromising maybe it’s time to start.

I guess part of it depends on how much you want to be a surgeon? Is it still your dream or is it just a pathway you’re on. If being a surgeon is your absolute dream then I wouldn’t give it up. But if it’s more that you’ve started down this route and now feel like it’s a waste to give it up because you’ve done so many years, then I would think about changing career.

At my daughters old prep school the school receptionist who just helped a few hours a day is a highly intelligent woman, she attended Cambridge, became a doctor and specialised however gave it all up for her two children and to support her surgeon husband, she was very comfortable with her decision and supported a lot of us parents many times I was running late and she helped me out, amazing woman and followed the path she wanted to rather than what was expected of her.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating others.
Are you on Facebook? There are some good support groups for junior doctors on there. Those who have been in that situation might be able to help. Try one called 'Tea & empathy' as a starting point

I agree that the sexism is embedded in your marriage and not just the NHS. You would be giving up your career for your husband, not for your children. Whatever you decide, do it in the full knowledge of that uncomfortable fact.

I gave up teaching as I was spreading myself too thin. Haven't regretted it. I'm now able to do the school run and know what is going on in my children's lives. Before the childminder saw teachers before and after school, chatted to parents at the gate and heard all about my children's day.
I still work in education but part time with no work at home and I'm able to do stuff for me too like my master's degree so when the children are older I can do something a bit more demanding.
My mental health is so much better. I enjoy my children and have fun.
Don't rush the decision as everyone is different.

Those saying give up your job - what are you doing now DCs are older/ have left home?
I was a sahm and I think it doesn't have to be you at home with the DCs. A good nanny who is being paid for all the tedious work prob does it better than a bored sahm.
It needs to be a live in one imv - could DGPs give a loan so you can move or have a full time nanny orcould DGPs move in for a few years. Im a DGP and dochildminding - is it using public transport that worries them? I can't read your initial post- how many years have you done? How long have you got to do?
I don't like the sound of the consultant role bottle neck that is mentioned above, will you've expected to go above and beyond to prove eligibility ?

I trained LTFT in radiology after having my children. I worked 3 days a week plus on call which was doable. As a service specialty it's easier to walk away at the end of the day and you don't have the responsibility of patients on wards. The exams are tough, but my training scheme was awesome at helping you through them. Working full time as a consultant can mean working only 4 days a week on site, or less if you have home reporting. I work 4 days as I work 1 long day, but can do my evening session from home. Even though I'm working, I'm still a presence at home. My husband is a medic too and we've made it work. We can't have put the kids off as the 2 teens both want to study medicine! They can see we have fulfilling careers but also have time for them.
We welcome trainees who have experience in other specialties as they bring extra skills. Consider radiology as an option. We didn't do nights when I trained but many places do now which would be a problem though- unless your husband can help out and arrange his shifts appropriately. Again that's not impossible if you're motivated!!

Don't become reliant on your DH. Keep working. Find more childcare. He needs to step up. Long game.

The one thing I know is that, at the end, you won’t look back and smile fondly remembering the long hours working. You will look back and smile at the happy times spent with loved ones and your children. I look back at both fondly. I'm a care home manager which is an intense job but I love it because I make a difference to people. I also look back on the time with my children fondly as I appreciated it so so much. And I am so proud of myself for building my career from carer to manager as a single parent with no help. So don't generalise.

Friends of ours both trained in similar fields. They arranged it so their training ran one after the other. Whilst one was training, the other worked all the hours they could to support. Then they switched.

@doctormumoftwo
If I gave up we would move out of town (bigger home, garden, school) but it would mean a long commute for DH, (which he doesn't mind if I was at home to support him). He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects (there is still quite a lot of sexism about this in medicine). There is a big chance I would may regret giving it up it in the long run but I feel totally stuck in the short term- I have 5-6 more years of very intense full time work and it breaks my heart to have to sacrifice all the time with my kids for that achievement.

As you said above OP, your DH CAN go part time but wont because of the impact on his career. Not as big as the one on yours if you quit?! Why is childcare and shouldering the guilt of not meeting their needs all on you?

This is your problem. I wouldn't quit personally.

I'm sorry OP what an impossible situation.

I think it's such a huge thing to just give it up, are there really no other options? Or can you just keep on struggling by on part time, although it'll take longer for you to gain your competencies, you can then go full time when your children are older?

I sympathise with you though as I have similar age but slightly younger children, 4 and 1.5, and it really does go by too fast and I fully believe life is for living, not working. However you love your job and that is enviable - to do something you're so passionate about.

Also, the attitude you and your husband have towards him going part time is contributing to the sexism in medicine.

Apologies for my shocking grammar and spelling. It’s early!

Not a doctor but a lawyer - I swapped being a partner at a National firm to go in house when I had kids.

I felt I couldn’t give what was needed to the job or my kids before.

Not only can I stay working in an in house role, I have all the flexibility I need to be with my kids and I’ve even had time to get another masters and am studying for something else now (all with 2 kids under 5). All without a significant change in lifestyle (actually we moved to a much bigger house with massive garden about an hour away from where we were before although it is closer to family which helped with childcare etc).

I wouldn’t give up my job entirely if I were you, but I’d explore other options in your field be it another specialism, teaching etc...