AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I’ve been a stay at home mum. My brain died, what’s the point in years of schooling and education to give it up to be a nanny/cleaner/cook? . Why do women have to take the short straw? It’s wasn’t enough for me and women shouldn’t be guilt tripped in to thinking they should have to sacrifice them selves for their kids to be a good mother. I wonder if your dc father feels guilt that he goes to work?

Kids need, happy homes, warmth, cuddles, food and love. They don’t need a SAHP.

What's the kindest most loving decision you can make - for you?

Pick that one.

*@Decentsalnotime *
*
Give it up
I did. Not a surgeon but full on financial job involving long commute and study.

No regrets.

The children now 8 and 10, and I’m back part time in local completely different job. Enjoy it, much lower pay, no stress*.

We are all different, but I hung in there and am very senior now but wasn't easy. I do see women that jumped to be a SAHM but regret it hugely from a career perspective later in life and find it so difficult and almost impossible to get back what they have lost, although accept they had more time with their children. As another poster put, as they get a little older they are less dependent.

Don't wast your years of training at this point. It does ease up when you become a consultant (friend of mine went through what you are going through)

Hi @doctormumoftwo consultant anaesthetist here, married to another consultant. If you love your job then do try and stick with it. Job satisfaction important and so is financial independence.
I’m sure with you both working together you can find a way through. You don’t say how close your husband is to finishing or his speciality but he can request to go part time as a consultant. This can be part time or perhaps he could job share.
We did all sort it strange combos when training and the kids were small eg cleaner doing school run for us. The kids have not been impacted.
I would say if your husband is not willing to think outside the box about his work then that is an issue and needs to be discussed.

It's a very tough decision. I did not fulfil my career goals due to having three children close together and no family support after the first. I worked part time (allied health professional) and accepted less senior positions in less prestigious places and took a few years off at one stage. All of this damaged my career and I now work in a different role altogether. But I don't regret the time with my children as life would have been unbelievably stressful trying to carry on full time. They're all grown up now and I feel I have massively underachieved in my career but I also know they had me around when they needed me and our life was better quality back then than it would have been. Why not give yourself a break for a few years...who knows what will happen to training opportunities in the future for rejoining your medical career (they need more medics) or else you might find something else you enjoy?

Don't give up, as others say try to find a solution that works, a young relative of mine has recently got into medical school, to see her excitement and enthusiasm is fantastic, I would hate to see all that be lost.

I gave up career (not medicine) ... no regrets at the time but believe me, being 62 & earning barely more than NMW, in a physically demanding job with no prospect of retiring is now my reality.

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something,

Isn't it sad though that the conversation never seems to be around exploring possibilities of the man going part time or something? Always the woman with a nice little job.

OP only you can decide, it sounds like the workload is an unmanagable balancing act at the moment rather than you dislike the job itself. You must have worked extremely hard to get where you are, how would you feel, as has been said, when they're a bit older and don't need you as much, and you're left without a career? Make sure you consider what you actually want rather than what you feel you should do.

Never the bloody man is it.
If I did this it would be good for the dc but my marriage would not survive the resentment that I lost my career and he carried on as before.

You're working so, so hard and for what? You work all hours, live in a flat with no garden and you're stressed to the eye balls. If you want to change direction or so for a couple of years, it's ok to do that. I wouldn't give up work entirely but as others have said is there another route you can go down to still get qualified? Become a surgeon when your dc are older?

Don’t retrain in a different speciality. It will be marginally less work and you won’t love it enough.

Please don't quit. IYou've done so well to get to here. I think you'd regret it 15 years later. You need more support. You need a very good nanny feel starters. The quitting of the recent one has shocked you, but don't over react.

Presumably your Dh is already on a good salary having finished. More if the family money needs to be diverted to you right now, because you need the support.

Get extra lessons for your ds's reading.

Do you know that most, not all, but most kids can't remember their toddler hoods. Most can't remember pre school.

Mine can't remember all the times I took them to places when young. They have no idea I took them to .... Birdworld when they were 3. All they need is loving parents, cuddles, interested parents. You already have that.

In the end, Your'll be finished his stage.and your youngest will be fine in primary. Just see if you can get to this point.

It sounds incredibly sexist that the woman not the man is making these decisions! If my husband 30 years ago could find childcare etc I don't see what stops men in 2020 doing so (we both have always worked full time with 5 children and I didn't take maternity leaves -just used 2 weeks of annual leave).

We have doctors in the family including my sibling and it can be a tough job although I am not sure it is always worse than the City lawyers' hours in the family can be but it is not a competition.

I would go full time if I were you and pay for the childcare. We each paid half our net salaries for full time childcare when my first baby was born. One reason I have afforded private school fees (and university fees for that matter and indeed the post grad law fees I just paid for the youngest two) was because I had always worked full time. When teenagers your children won't thank you because you didn't play wheels on a bus with them for 10 rather than 2 hours a day but they will thank you for buying them the iphone they want and helping them out with university costs.

In response to why not just take 5 years out....If you take significant time out of medicine you’d basically have to retrain, exams expire etc due to a process called revalidation where you have to show exactly what you’ve been doing for the last 5 years in order to remain a registered medical practitioner. Having said that, plenty of people do take a few “years out” although they usually continue to work in this time, just not in training. So you could get a job as a non training SHO for a few years while kids are young then try and re-enter training? But it’s risky - giving up a training post in surgery is a big deal because it’s so competitive,

I am also a junior doctor and would really echo the advice about trying to find a mentor. Have you talked to your educational supervisor about this? I would also definitely look into less than full time training, they are no longer allowed to discriminate against this and there are plenty of trainees even in acute specialties who do less than full time with children. If you are committed to surgery, it’s that or get another full time nanny (assuming your partner won’t switch to part time training).

I would also strongly consider a more family friendly speciality. Only you know what you would enjoy but some springing to mind are radiology, public health, occupational medicine, GP (only 3 years training being the big factor why a lot of people make the switch) and psychiatry (my speciality, we don’t get many surgeons making the switch but it’s a great work life balance and lots of people train part time! Training is 6 years though). Psych along with certain medical specialities (derm, rheumatology etc) where things generally improve as training goes long (on calls from home etc) and are much less frequent when you’re a consultant.

OP would not be left “unqualified” as she still has a medical degree! This is part of what is so frustrating as a junior doctor, It’s been nearly a decade since I finished medical school and people still think you’re a student!

Good luck with whatever you decide

*had no help

Just wanted to add, if you are passionate about your career, much of your guilt is yours, not your children’s, they know no different and you are a great role model and once past the early years it gets much better, pretty certain your children will be proud of you as you will yourself, it really does get easier as they get older.

I had to give up my career due to not being able to go on call which was required at least once a week. I had I help, looking back a good nanny would have helped.

Ultimately as another said what do you want to do, once you know it’ll all fall in to place.

Just a warning; general practice would not be 9-5pm more like 7-7pm but no on calls and you would see your children at weekends.

You must have already done 5 years studying to be where you are. If your eldest is 6, you've done it all with her and then a newborn. It seems such a pity to have got this far and give it up.

I became a single ft working mum when my kids were little. With commuting they were in childcare from 8am to 5 or 6pm.

They're now grownup and I have asked them what it was like to grow up with a ft working single mum and spending so much time in childcare (very good childcare I was 100% happy with, always made sure of that). They both said they wouldn't have it differently, because it taught them good self discipline, resilience and social skills. They said that they wouldn't have had the wonderful holidays and activities they loved. They are now in good studies/careers and are very well adjusted young adults.

Think hard as to what is driving this decision. Exhaustion? It will get better. Guilt? It might be self inflicted for no reason as they might not be half as negatively affected as you are letting yourself believe. Missing your kids? That's a good reason, but you might find you very much miss the buzz of you career when you are home 24h/7 with your kids.

There were many times I felt like you and envied my or or sahm friends, but now that the kids have moved on, I'm so relieved I stuck to my career.

He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects (there is still quite a lot of sexism about this in medicine)

OK this jumped out to me. Giving up work altogether will have an even more negative impact on your career prospects. Why is he so much more important than you?

Why not start being the change you want to see? My friend's husband went part time when the children were wee and it did negatively impact any promotion. But guess what? Kids get older, he went back full time and because he is good at his job promotion came his way, maybe just a few years later.

Your DH taking a few years part time may pause his career, at worst, and enable you to maintain yours. Plus he will be in the vanguard of change in a work environment that sounds like it really needs it.

I was a corporate solicitor worked round clock international travel at moments notice. I never went back after dd1 took 6 years out happiest years of my life and now self employed in law and earning decently. Was right choice for me but job wasn’t right for me anyway and dh amazing and supportive.

Read a quote on here “of course I want to break the glass ceiling but do not want to use my own and my children’s heads as battering rams”. Summed it up for me.

It's always the woman who takes the hit though. OP you are clearly as educated as your DH, just reflect on that for a bit.
Is he worried about the situation at home or are you smoothing his way for him?
If you are in London could you maybe move? You would definitely be able to afford a garden somewhere else.

@doctormumoftwo growing up my parents very much sounded like your family. My dad was out of the house 15 hours a day and my mum worked long hours in a stressful job. We had a nanny who worked 7.30-6.00 mon-fri (my grandparents weren’t local).

My dad encouraged my mum not to give up work which I know at the time she regretted (80s which was unusual and in the early days the nanny was paid more than her). But our nanny was great, we built a really strong bond with her now and still see her regularly (my sisters and I are all 30s).

Things that worked well, my parents never worked weekends that was family time. I know doctors schedules can be anytime but try to have one day a week as a family.
My mum delegated a lot of the child admin to the nanny (buying school uniform, going to the dentist etc) which meant she was less stressed, and when we spent time with her it wasn’t doing stuff kids find boring!

When my dad hit 50 he had to give up work, my mum became the sole earner and was until they retired. If she hadn’t carried on working they would have been stuffed as by this time she had progressed in her career to a very senior role and could afford 3 x children’s school fees and the mortgage.

Looking back I think my mum does regret missing out on our childhood a bit but if you ask her she wouldn’t change her decision, it gave her independence and a purpose after children. Her work is such and essential part of her. I am so proud of her, she set a great example to me and my DSIS who have very successful careers.

My dad is also proud of my mum, the way things worked out he took over a lot of the household chores (a bit of a shock initially) but they are a team and very much respect each other. I know they were both relieved that she had carried on with exams and worked hard when we were children as it built them a secure future.

Could you re-train as a podiatrist then become a foot surgeon at a later date?
Or you could re-train in a less demanding health care role such as a OT or prosthetist.
It’s a huge sacrifice to make. If your heart is still in it a really excellent nanny could work for now. It’s not just what’s best for the children.

As a surgeon you will have the high earning potential. You’d be mad to give up all you’ e worked for - how about DH goes part time, locums or re-trains as a GP?

You would be better off changing specialities tbh. Get a good nanny. Don’t give up. I did and regret it some ways now as it’s too late to go back. I am there for the children, but you can’t have it all it seems. DH is a consultant orthopod plus CSL and HoA so is never here really. Now the children are older, they all have different interests so it is a difficult juggle. The other thing you need to consider is if you did ever split up, where would that leave you? Good luck, it is a tough decision.

I would quit op, I would do something else. This is too much and the implications on your children too great. Sucks but it just doesn't seem compatible with being a parent.