AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I'm another one agreeing with AgentProvocateur. If your husband was willing to take a bit of a hit by going part time, you could keep your career, and presumably go part time later once you are in a better position to. Long term it would leave your family in a much fairer and better position. If you prioritise his career and he becomes unable to work in the future, or you split you will be left in a real mess.

Hi op, not sure whether this has been suggested or not but could you take some time out (think you said you can take up to 3 months out without affecting anything) to really weigh everything up, spend some time with your children, explore other options ie moving, dh helping to support etc and to allow you the headspace to make a decision? Sounds like you need some breathing space anyway.

When does your husband fully qualify as a consultant?

He can do part time then, easily.
He could go part time while you get fully qualified and then swap back

Unless he won't because he is "too important"

Assuming you actually enjoy medicine/surgery and it is just the current intensity/training/juggling with parenting that is creating the stress then I really think you would regret giving it all up to be a SAHM

I would do whatever is necessary to make daily life easier, if you can get a reliable FT nanny and other domestic help as necessary (cleaner etc) and agree a plan with your DH for the next few years (move from a flat to house with a garden) which will make hard work worth it in the longer term (assume if you give up work entirely this will make a move financially difficult)

I would also push your DH to support you more and negotiate with his bosses about working more flexibly/cutting his hours

Firstly thank you for being a Doctor and looking after all of us who need your help.That said this is a tough call for many professionals .Could you maybe become a GP in a London suburb? Maybe seems like a "step down" but children grow so quickly and it seems a shame to not enjoy their childhood as much as you can .Could you not retrain later on? The NHS is very tough going at times(My Cousin is a Doctor in a busy A /E dept within a big Northern Teaching Hospital)so maybe just take your foot off the gas and have fun with DC for the moment

Don't give up, but do try and get a cleaner/nanny/other help so that you can spend some quality time with the kids.

My husband is one of 3 boys, both his parents were doctors who worked all hours. He and his brothers are absolutely fine, and his parents made sure that the time they spent with them was real quality time. Your children are seeing you work hard on an important job, which is a valuable and important thing to see.

It sounds tough but I think you will regret giving up now.

I do think this is a lot about good childcare here. You've had the double whammy of your parents bowing out and the part time nanny resigning. This is the moment when I feel guilty usually when childcare is in flux. I would invest rather a lot of money into getting a full time nanny who the children like and fills you with confidence.Het proactive and interview. I would definitely work on doing that first and giving it six months of them in role before you make any other lasting decisions.

I was in your exact position and I gave it up without hesitation. The major difference for me was that I didn’t love the job, in fact I’d begun to hate it even before DC so in some ways I was relieved to have a way out. I was fortunate that this was not a problem financially - not just because DH is a high earner but because I have income from an inheritance. My DC are still young, but I do worry about what on earth I’m going to do once the DC are all in school. We don’t need the money, but I’ll obviously need to find something worthwhile to do with myself. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. No regrets though.

You’ve hit that really difficult part with more than one child (so big hike in childcare costs) and they’re at the stage where frankly, they’re more interesting and fun than the young baby bit, so you’re hyper aware of what you’re missing.

I absolutely would not throw away my career though. You make it sound very black and white whereas in reality there must be other options, even if you can’t take them right now.

I would be planning to move somewhere where there’s a better community feel and you can afford a nicer place home. Doctors are needed everywhere so even if you can’t do it right now - plan!

Your dh could reduce his hours, you’re just letting that age old sexist thing creep in that somehow he shouldn’t be expected to because he’s a man.

Also you mention that your parents can’t help at the moment because of Covid, which implies they were supporting you previously. Covid won’t be around forever - things may look quite different in 6 months or a year’s time, and they could be back on board helping. That’s worth a lot - you’re very lucky to have wider family able to do that

So All in all, after all your training and financial and emotional investment in your work, I think you’d be making a big mistake to completely chuck it in, which you may well regret in a couple of years. Instead, look at the changes you can realistically make over the coming months and years

I understand this must be such a tough decision for you. But 5/6 years IS a long time when contemplating their childhoods.

I went part time a couple of years ago (non medical) but stressful job with long hours and lots of travel. Because I wanted a better work/life balance and I've now got it. I also hated the thought of my child being in breakfast and after school club every day plus spending the vast majority of the holidays in a club.

I would definitely explore other (less demanding) areas of medicine or to see if you could take an extended break and come back to it in several years.

Hopefully this won't come down to you having to make a straight choice between the two and there may be some way that the two can be combined.

Good luck

I think it would be very sad for you to give up now. You've worked long and hard to get here. And as a woman who has had surgery more times than I like, I WISH at least one of those surgeons had been a woman.

Nanny is clearly your best option. Someone kind and who will be part of your family. Someone who you agree long hours with and who will make your life easier so that when you get home, your kids are bathed and fed and you get to spend quality time with them. Accept that outside of work and family you will have little going on - free time is for sleeping or being with your kids.

But mostly, I do think you need your DH to STEP up here.

*their

Your kids will only grow up once. You only get to see it once. And it never comes back
Why is it assumed that working mums don't get to see their kids grow up?

Of course, you get to see less of it, but less doesn't mean missing out on what matters.

My experience has been that ft working mums actually spend better quality time with their kids because they value it much more when they do. Spending 2 weeks of the summer holidays with them was a massive treat, and we enjoyed every minutes of it. Such ago yeast to my sahm friends who would start moaning in July at the prospect of spending 6 weeks with theirs and looking at ways to pass the time rather than planning it with excitement.

Being a sahm means having more flexibility and time to do chores that ft parents have to do outside of work hours. Some love it, some hate it, but its rarely only just about the kids.

Lots of really good advice. I would advocate for staying in work. You are at the hardest point, it gets easier and you will welcome your career further down the line. You don’t know what is ahead of you but having your own career gives you security.

Sorry everything is so hard just now x

Don't give up. Personally I think your husband should go part time or you get a nanny. If it was the other way round, wouldn't this happen? It sounds like it's harder for you to go part time than for him to because of the need to do extra surgeries. Once you become a consultant you can get better work life balance and as long as they're physical needs are met and you're focused on them when you're with them, they'll be fine.

Honestly, I would quit. Give your children the attention and support they want from you.
You might absolutely love being a SAHM.
There's nothing shameful in giving something up if it's not right for you.

I agree your husband needs to step up; it shouldn't be you sacrificing your career just because he refuses to go part-time.

My mum was a doctor; I was so proud of her as a child.
Unfortunately she had to massively downgrade her career because of her awful husband not being supportive. She still carried on her career but in a part-time role.

Many children are very happy hanging out with friends and Carers. They still know who their mum is, and parents are the primary relationship. I had brilliant childminders etc but it's the family group that is most important, even if for you it feels like you are often at work.

I would say take the advice to get mentoring and speak to female colleagues as suggested. And speak to your husband too. He is being completely unfair to expect you to give up your career.

I was the first to comment but having read some of the experts, I'd change my advice and not take the time out. To me, it is a simple solution. You need to go 80% to give you the time to train and DH needs to go 80% to support you. He won't like it. It may feel like limiting both of you, but it's actually allowing you both to progress at a slower rate. Then you spend a lot on nannies and cleaners to allow you to survive the next few years and scrimp on other stuff, and you enjoy the time you do have with the kids without washing.
I know they're super cute and needy at this age, I really do know. But it is a very very brief period to throw it all away!! Probably less than four years, which is the blink of an eye in your long career.
I quit. I did a couple of years at home, and then I realised a person like me who has always worked so hard at school/uni/work can't be really fulfilled by park trips, making dinner, cleaning and cbeebies. You are important, this is your life. It may make you happy short term, but probably won't long term.

I've also found myself unexpectedly as a single mum with teenagers and boy am I glad I kept my career going, it really was hard work in those early years when they were little, but the alternative, to be looking for work right now having taken years out, with two teens who need support, doesn't bear thinking about. Having a career gives our household a good income and choices that otherwise we would not have.

Your husband needs to step up and work out how to facilitate your career for these next few years. If he's sexist and doesn't want to do that, then even more you need to not quit! Me and my husband took it in turns to take mat/pat leave and work part-time with each child, moving back to f/t when they were aged 2. It is hard, and I had some family support as well.

I know lots of women who have had to be the main wage earner at one point or another, due to recession (including in Covid-19 when husband suddenly lost job), divorce, widowed, the husband retired, the husband burned out and changed direction, there's just so many reasons I wouldn't want to rely solely on one wage going into the future.

Also, I love my job even more now, I always liked it but now mine are teens, I'm senior enough to have quite a bit of flexibility and focus on it when I can. I think this would happen for you too.

It's great so many women medics have contributed to this thread to give you other ideas of how to stay in medicine.

Ultimately though, it's about whether as a family you equally support both your careers and dreams about the future, or they get invested into only one person (your husband)- how is he going to make this work for you in the next 3-5 years and perhaps he needs to make some sacrifices, not you sacrifice everything.

Given how much time and effort goes into your career, and how long a career will last (long after your children have left home) I would not quit but try to power through with the part time and accept my progress would be slower than I would have liked for a few years. Can you find a mentor in the same profession who has had similar struggles, other female surgeons who have older children? I've found these to be so valuable.

It is difficult training when the children are small - I have been there. The hardest thing was the exit exam with a 1 and 3 year old and married to another acute speciality doctor. I had to completely change the way I usually worked for exams (no late night studying etc). I've now been a consultant for 9 years and glad that I continued. I have sent you a message!

I remember speaking to a colleague who told me, “don’t give up, just keep your foot in the door”. I carried on part-time. I’m not going to lie, at times, it was not much fun, but it got better. I now earn more then my DH and am doing really well

I also received this advice from the man who was my work mentor when I had a clutch of small children at home and thought I'd collapse under it all.

It was the best advice anyone ever gave me. It was a really tough few years (good childcare isn't cheap) but we have reaped the benefits of it for the next 20.

My advice to any woman in this situation is "don't give up" you never know when you will need those qualifications/income generating capacity.

I've watched women sacrifice their own prospects for the DC/DH then deserted in middle age by the high earning man.

I became sole earner when DH was too ill to work and have been evere since - we would have been out on our uppers if I hadn't kept up my work.
This also meant that when my kids were teens (the time you really need to be available to them) I was already well up the tree with much more autonomy about how and where I worked.

Mostly though, why are you making all the career sacrifices/hit whilst DH swans along full time "building his career"? Why is he not sharing the load?

Don’t quit.

Please don’t quit. Short term pain for long term gain - once you’re a consultant it’ll mean a better standard of living for all of you. Plus you’re being an excellent role model by showing your children how hard you’ve worked to achieve your qualifications. You can do this!

“A working mum does not damage children. Living in poverty does.”

This.

Resentment kills a marriage. How will you feel with your husband coming home late, having been for a drink with his colleagues or an awards night whilst you have been at home wiping the kitchen surfaces down again.