AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I agree with PP. I'm in awe of anyone that can do what you and your husband and all the other thousands of Doctors do. I've nothing but respect for all of you💪🏻
The training is brutal and the exams are pure evil. (Some of those pass rates are shocking!).

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. It seems such an all or nothing situation.

Thanks for your lovely reply OP. I think these feelings are sadly common for so many women in the workplace. Only you know all the viable options that might work for you as a family. I’m not sure any answer to this problem is perfect and I’ve found accepting that can help with decision making, as otherwise you can end up going round in circles. Also, think about your options if you decide to be a SAHM now but later want to return to working outside the home. What would those options be in a year, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years? Perhaps the career break would enable you to test out being a SAHM with minimal risk? Best of luck with your decision

If I were in your shoes, I would give up and be a full time mum. Your children need you now, later they won't so much and I am sure you will be able to go back to work in the future

Yep for what? They will need thee OP for the next 5 years. And then?
They’ll start living their life, be more independent whilst the OP, but of course, certainly not her DH, is sacrificing her career, her financial independence etc.... But she should be grateful to be able to retrain (that is if she can financially do it as finances are now restricted) Or start again in what? At least 10 years time. Probably more . Because her DH still will not go part time (his income will be higher HE has a career he can’t jeopardise).
And anyway the OP won’t have worked/has no career anyway so why the fuss???

Why is it that women are encouraged to sacrifice themselves like this???

Junior doctor here. I can fully understand what you are going through. I have a 10 month old and my maternity is going to end , but I am taking more time off( not in training yet) . My heart breaks every time I think of leaving her and going back to work as I know it would mean I will be missing a lot of her growing up( as it will involve long days, weekends and nights and incredibly stressful)I feel so helpless. But I am planning to take as much as I want to as I can’t prioritise work right now. Honestly have no advice, but a massive handhold and hope you will be able to make a decision that works for you.

If you love the job then don't give it up.

All of the posters saying you should walk away are missing this point. Being a FT SAHP will only be the right decision for you if it's what you want to do and if you are happy to leave the job behind. But that doesn't sound as if it's the case.

Your H must step up here. You've talked about him not being able to go PT because it would negatively impact your career - but it's OK for you to give up your career entirely?!?! They are his children too, he jointly decided with you that you would both have a family, so he must take an equal part of the responsibility for caring for them.

Your H needs to go part-time. If it takes him longer to get where he wants to be, then tough. But you should not be the one making all the sacrifices here. If he loves you then he will understand and agree to this.

Aside from that I agree with the other advice - FT nanny, outsource as much of the household stuff as you possibly can, so that when you and your H are at home you are solely focused on quality family time.

My Mum ran her own business when we were growing up. She worked 7 days a week as it was non-stop and she was always busy. I'm glad we grew up with her as that example; she was very clear with us that we should work, not allow anyone else to derail our career prospects (regardless of whether that was working as a cleaner or nuclear physics!) and that we should never be financially dependent on someone else. Her other advice was also that women should be able to drive and have their own car, and have immediate access to their own money - so that if the shit hits the fan you can get away and look after yourself.

PS why are people still suggesting the OP goes part-time/becomes a locum now? She's made it perfectly clear that she's at a vital stage of her training and she can't do that right now.

He is nearly finished so he can't go part time- although he's allowed, it would have a negative impact on his career prospects (there is still quite a lot of sexism about this in medicine).

So your husband CAN go part time. He’s just choosing not to as it will have a negative impact on his career prospects. Yet he’s presumably happy for you to give up your career completely? You’ve done the part time already to enable him to progress his career when the children were small. It’s his turn to make sacrifices for the next few years.

I agree with this 100%. Your DH is also responsible for your and his DCs. Why should you be the one having to make all the difficult decisions and potentially take the career hit?

Also not sure if anyone has said this but you are amazing. To get into medical school and to be training as a consultant is incredible. Not only that but you have two children. Wow!!! Your parents must be so Very proud. When your kids are teens and their friends ask what their mum does (which they all do) they will be so proud to say doctor or consultant. When they are older they will really appreciate what you did for them - providing them with a comfortable lifestyle and probably good education. Well done.

I know several doctors who have done this and none of them regret it.

Don't apply a long-term fix to a short-term problem. Try to picture yourself in 10 years time if you give up now. Let your future self advise you now.

Would just throw in a few aspects that haven't been mentioned yet.

I think Covid changes things. Pretty clear that we will have this virus for a couple of years at least.

What happens if someone in your family gets ill? You will be needed.

Yes income and quaifications are important, but so is life itself.

I'm looking at the headlines today and there are many NHS doctors who are saying they are no longer going to sacrifice their mental and physical health for the profession. Do'nt get me wrong but I have the greatest of respect for doctors. Other doctors suffering PTSD and so on from over work.

What I am saying is we all need a better way of working one that balances community and family better.

I did qualifications updated about two years ago. My health suffered and wasn't able to enter a profession at that time that I was planning to enter. Manage at the moment on what for many is a very low income by living simply. Very simply. Focus on food, school, wellbeing as far as I can. DD now 15.

Before Covid there were many times when I missed working in former profession and felt infulfilled.

But now with Covid I am really glad that I kept it simple. Would agree with previous poster about kids needing you still I believe even more so when they are teens. At the moment so many young people are going through mental health difficulties of their own due to the aftermath of Covid. And so I am very glad that at this point in time I am able to be there for them.

Keeping it simple doesn't necessarily mean moving house. Keep the journeys simple. There is a lot to be said for doing things locally. No garden? Have you thought about an allotment or taking part in a community plot? What open spaces are near you that you could be in with the family that would help your wellbeing.

Looks like travelling abroad and holidays may be problematic for some time to come so local solutions might be a way forward on this.

Re career, I think the trick is of finding a way to keep your hand in. How many years would your training be valid for and could you do part time training to stay up to date. I don't know the medical profession but could you move sideways within the NHS part time and then pick up at a later date?

Whatever you do good luck. I guess I'm saying think outside the box. Yes, maintaining your quals is important but so is, quite frankly staying alive and intact with your wellbeing so that your working life and your family life can be sustained. Hope this helps.

OP you’re also being very emotive by talking in binary terms of ‘giving up your life’s work’ or ‘missing seeing your children grow up!’

As a woman in my fifties, I was back at work when my first child was 12 weeks old. I did work part time for a while but went back up to full time when our children were still very small. It’s absolutely not true that you ‘miss them growing up!’ Dh and I are close to all 3 of our (now adult) kids and they are all happy and well adjusted and certainly don’t feel that they grew up without parents

I appreciate you’re feeling very emotional about it but try to think objectively about the situation. Imagine that in a years time, your parents could be helping again. Imagine in two or three years time, you could have moved somewhere with a better community and where your money will go further. Doctors are needed everywhere! Imagine if your dh steps back a bit in his career so that you can focus on yours.

There are so many variables here and it’s a bit depressing to hear from a woman with a great, hugely valuable career, which she has invested a lot in, just assuming that when things get tough, her career is by default the thing that’s jettisoned.

If I were in your shoes, I would give up and be a full time mum. Your children need you now, later they won't so much and I am sure you will be able to go back to work in the future. Possibly to pick up your training, possibly in another role entirely....what you have so far will not be wasted though.

I am nearing retirement. I look back at my own children's years, I was with them in the very early years but soon went back to retraining and then more and more piled on. I have huge regrets and I cannot go back and change it. The children needed me still and I didn't notice how much at the time, and eventually the stresses cracked our marriage apart too.

I have the benefit of hindsight; it is easier to pick up again in future years but impossible to go back to your children's childhood and re-do it.....

Can't work out how to vote but I think you should hire a nanny (even if it means sacrificing in other areas), go full-time and push on through. I think most people would say they don't remember much of early childhood - quality time with the children at that age is more important for you than it is for them (as long as they are having consistent care from someone caring and stimulating, but this can be a nanny or another family member). It's as they get older that they need you more and notice how much you are around. You have chosen an amazing career and already put so much into it. It will be wonderful for the DCs to see you thriving in that, especially if you have girls. It will be worth it.

@doctormumoftwo please listen to the many doctors who have commented in a similar boat and who understand how our training works (I’m an anaesthetic reg). It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and I totally agree with what has been said about your husband pulling his weight!!

Also, my mum who worked throughout my childhood in the NHS doing long and antisocial hours, is my inspiration and I am immensely proud of her. We so often do a disservice to those mums who work when actually I think we should also look at the positives (and this is not bashing SAHP but just showing that there can be some huge positives to a group often who get spoken about in negative terms). Please don’t think that you have to do this alone and your career is just as important as your husbands.

I'm sure it has been said a billion times, please continue with your job and studied the DC will be fine better than fine.
I worked night when my first was young to spend lots of time with her now she's 12 she doesn't remember or care about all those finger tip pictures.
She would have been very proud had I been studying over the years.
Keep going.

Don’t take advice from people on the internet! You know your children, your husband, your work. You know whether your heart is in your work or not. Yes it feels awful to turn away from a career you have invested huge amounts of time and money into but there are other careers out there. Work is not the be all and end all. Reading through the lines you sound like you are looking for permission to stop. You can give yourself permission!

Personally I’d take a month out and see how you like the SAHM life. It’s not for everyone I have several friends who quite honestly hate looking after their kids, weekends and holidays are enough and they will go on about how important their careers are until the sun goes home. I have my own business but it was running me into the ground, taking a step back becoming a SAHM ish (I still have the business and the financial benefits of it albeit reduced) was the best thing I did, our home life is 1000 times better, I’m much more relaxed and a nicer person, I cherish the time I get to spend with my daughter as it goes so fast and I know what it’s like to be completely frazzled and at my wits end and I have no interest in going back to that.

You get one shot at life, it’s ok to go against the grain and do what is right for you and your family. Remember you have choices and others justifying their own choices only serves them and not you.

I struggled for many years working in a professional job and caring for my two children. I thought about giving up many times - it would have done were it not for the many hours of work I'd put into qualifying. My husband left me out of the blue when the kids were 14 and 11. I was so very grateful I had a well paid job to fall back on. The children are young adults now - and are fabulous - I'm glad I never gave up.

Oh you poor thing - I am Medical too - GP not surgical speciality.
You sound exhausted and I can completely understand!
Things to think about

• are you exhausted/ burnt out and could you have a break? Even just 3 months
• Could both you and hubby work part time so the children don’t miss out and you feel less guilty
• May be worth seeing your GP - some basic bloods to make sure no anaemia and thyroid ok and to rule out depression
• when we are busy our own self care disappears - too tired to eat properly and exercise and those are the time self care matters most

• I am in NZ but MPS provides 6 sessions psychological support - I use it. Good to see someone outside your own situation - gives perspective that colleagues and family can’t.
• All Medicine is hard. It’s a wonderful thing but it’s hard. 2 doctor families have a load. You or your husband may need to change tack but don’t make that decision from a place of exhaustion and being overwhelmed.

@doctormumoftwo You ask AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up? But that’s not what you are really asking!
You sound really stressed and miserable. Ask yourself - do I still want to be a doctor? Or is the training and the time commitment too much? It’s ok if it is - it doesn’t make you a bad person to change your mind about your career.

If you don’t want to carry on, then don’t- you can afford it. But maybe look at other work options- your choices aren’t limited to being a doctor or SAHM only ... there are loads of jobs with regular hours, no nights, no ongoing examinations, that would value your training and life experience to date.

If you do want to carry on being a doctor, I’m afraid you must find a way to make your husband step up and support you. If he has to go part time too, so be it. If he refuses, maybe remind him that with 50/50 custody he’d be forced to work it out - and you’d have free time to study, work and rest. I’m not saying ltb just remind him you are a team and he has to do his part too.

I think you need to be very careful not to make an irreversible decision that you will regret later. I think I am right in understanding that you currently have a training number. If you leave you will never get back in. I would try to keep going on as part-time a basis as they let you get away with - 40% if need be. Don't feel under pressure to take these exams. Wait until your kids are both in school and you can use some of your time away from work to revise.

Also, I think that your living arrangements might be the cause of some of your stress. It must have been hard work having such young children in a flat during lockdown. Perhaps you can both look to moving to another part of the UK. Medicine is transferable. Living somewhere that enables you to afford a family house could make the world of difference.

Just a different perspective, can you use all your wonderful medical training, qualifications and knowledge for a different career? I have no experience of the world of a medic (apart from being a patient!) but could you, for example, become a specialist writer? Or researcher? I don't know of other roles open to you but it'd mean you don't waste all the years you've invested so far, still have a career, etc. but also have more balance in your life. It would close one big door for sure, but others would open instead.

Tara 66 are you saying you think all Surgeons should be middle aged men then? Pilots,Doctors ,Solicitors all have massive life changing decisions to make at work! This is 2020 not 1960 !

You have to ask yourself at this time what would be the biggest sacrifice, your job or having more time seeing your children grow up ?
At primary my DD had a friend whose parents were both consultants and had a day nanny. I would have the friend over for play dates and she would often mention she never saw her parents, they often missed plays, assemblies etc. She seemed quite affected by the lack of time she had with them tbh