AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

As others have said, get staffed up. Use your full time salary to make raising children as felicitous as possible. Pay for nanny, a driver, a cleaner - whatever saves you time that you can then spend with the children.

Also, consider getting the children on a late or alternative schedule. For years I worked from 7am - 4pm. The children didn't get up until 8am and then stayed up until 9 or 10pm at night. That meant I was able to spend 5 or 6 hours a day with them in the evenings! I fit in my own personal stuff on weekends. British people are hung up on early bedtimes but early didn't work for us.

One more thing: up until they turned 4, they continued to have a long 2 hour nap every day while I was at work so I could spend time with them when I got home.

Take the time for some blue sky thinking and to work out a system that works for you. It may be very different from what other people are doing.

Do NOT sacrifice your career for your husbands. He can go part time so you can qualify. So what if his career is slightly behind where it could be, better than you having no career. A similar scenario happened to a friend who gave up her career so her husband could concentrate on his. Now her husband is a consultant earning mega money. Out of the blue he left her. She now works in an office just about scraping by money wise. Angry and regretful that she gave her career up for him.

Also it’s not a choice between having a ‘big’ job and being a mum. That’s pretty insulting. Plenty of us do both and I’m not sure any men have to make this decision.

The world is littered with broken women who sacrificed their careers to be the homemaker only to see their marriage fail later in life. Think long and hard before you give up everything you've worked for and the independence it assures you if needed. Even if your marriage stays the course, your children will need you less and less until they eventually leave home altogether to build their own independent lives. What prospects will you have then? There are other options aside from giving up everything you've work so hard for to date.

I gave up my very successful, very well paid career. Absolutely no regrets. I also loved my job. I think where I’m unusual is I felt absolutely no guilt or sense of failure in doing so. There’s way too much pressure to be everything to everyone. I’ve been able to 100% focus on my kids and to not be exhausted, stressed etc etc. Women take on too much. I’m very much a feminist but choosing to be a SAHM is an equally valid and important role in my opinion. Better than trying to juggle all the balls.

When the kids leave home I will probably pick up a career again.

I guessed you would be a junior doctor from the thread title. I think you need to talk to female consultant surgeons with kids and see what they say; and talk to your educational supervisor about your perception that you're falling behind with surgical skills.

Above all, I would say don't make the decision quickly. Whatever you decide, sit with it for at least six months.

Why are you making all the compromises? Where is your DH in this process? Why is his career more important than his role as a parent?

You are not the supporting actor to his starring role.
Ask your DH how he is going to help make it work.

And of course your husband can go LTFT. Tell him to man up, FFS.

Firstly I wanted to say that you must be superwoman already to be managing as you do. The medical world is very elitist and sexist and I can’t imagine how many hours of slog you will have put in to get where you are now.
My kids are grown up. I worked full time on shifts when they were growing up in a very sexist man world of a profession. It was extremely difficult missing the school functions, missing birthdays and Christmas days at home when they were little. Compounded by my husband working the same job. I really feel for you and totally understand how you feel pulled in every direction.
I would be reluctant to completely give up and you will then be totally reliant on your husband. This doesn’t sit that well with me. Is there any way you could employ a nanny or childcare nurse to help you through qualifying. You could then reconsider without having thrown all your hard work away.
Now my daughter is grown up she says she is glad that she was able to see through me that women have a very valid place in professional environments and it’s shown her that with hard work she can be successful, so I take comfort that I have contributed something important.
That said I have every respect for the women who choose to give up their work and be full time mums. That’s such an important job too and much harder work than regular employment. Good luck with your choice. Just don’t make any rash decisions that leave you financially vulnerable 💐💐💐💐💐

From an outside perspective it really seems that it is you making all the sacrifices and your husband making none.

If you quit you lose your career altogether. If he goes part-time he will maybe slow his career down - which is what you have been doing all the time you've been part time.

You need to think as two equal parents with equal responsibilities for your children's well-being.

He doesn't get to offload all the parenting responsibilities on to you.

And as for medicine is sexist and wouldn't like him doing part time, well a huge reason for these attitudes is because men don't go part time - there are no role models and few men doing it.

Hey OP. Feel free to DM me. I’m a hospital consultant of 10 years, and I’m having the same thought, and have been having it since dc were born....now 9&7. I got my CCT before having kids.......there is no way on this earth I could have passed those exams with DC. I’ve worked PT since the DC were born and more recently have started locuming as my sole job. I feel completely deskilled and constantly on the back foot. The only way I can catch up again is by going full time and never seeing my children. My DH isn’t a dr, and also earns enough that I don’t have to work.....but it feels such a waste to throw years of training and studying away. The thing is, once youve reached the holy grail of consultancy it doesn’t actually seem to get any better. I spend hours and hours and hours doing admin that I’m not paid to do. Then there is teaching, and when I was in a substantive post it almost felt like a competition to see who could take on the most extra activities. I’ve also looked at GP, and just die at the thought of another 3 years training (they won’t reduce it, I’ve asked,....so a year of ward work after 10 as a consultant, then 2 years on GP practice if I did FT, and more exams). Are you on Physician mums group PMGUK on Facebook? They are a helpful bunch. I can nominate you if you DM me. I don’t have the answers, but I do know that if I hadn’t had DC before CCTing I wouldn’t have CCT’d. You could leave your surgical post and locum in A&E, most EDs are desperate for locums and it gives you flexibility, thinking time and some money. But you’d need to be sure you don’t want to do surgical training. Sending huge hugs from the same dark hole xx

Try googling 'alternative careers for doctors'. If you did give up your surgical training (and I can see why you would want to and think I would do that in your position) it doesn't mean you'd have to give up a career in medicine. You might be able to get a part time job in medical research, or with a pharmaceutical or insurance company, say, and then later development that into a well-paying careerr path. Have you read Amanda Brown's book Prison Doctor? She is an inspiration - someone who gave up a career in medicine that she loved and accidentally entering a career path she loved even more. There are other opportunities out there for you while your children are little. I feel for you and wish you all the best in making your decision.

Could you move? My doctor sibling lives in Yorkshire although often comes to London for work so surely even if the husband cannot get moved from say London to Leeds within the NHS the family could move to somewhere with huge cheap houses, mother finds much cheaper childcare there and continues a career full time and husband does a lot of commuting but uses airbnb etc when down in London or during the week?

I haven't rtft, but I can't see why you won't both go LTFT. You have options, plenty of doctor parents manage just fine. Even doctor single parents.

I'd ditch the surgery if I were you and pick another specialty. Or get your DH to step up.

Realistically you're looking at another decade of awful hours as a surgeon - if you switched, you'd still do plenty of hours but going part time wouldn't be so detrimental.

your dh can't go part-time because if he did it would have a negative effect on his career, but it's seemingly entirely OK for you to give yours up entirely

This. You're not thinking about giving it all for your DC, but so your DH is not invonvenienced and his career is not impacted.

Don't throw it away, you're so far and life will be a lot easier soon. People saying children are only small for a short time do not understand that you can't just pick up all careers after a long break. And yes many people regret they didn't fulfil their potential. Not to mention the financial side - children are expensive, a consultant can clearly offer a much more comfortable life to her children than a SAHM picking up a part time little job after 10 year break.

There is also the RCS support and advice line and the Wins (women in surgery) network who would be great resource for help

I gave up my job (I wasn't a doctor but it was a job I had trained for years for) and I've never looked back. I've worked from home since because my husbands wage would never have been enough, but I now earn significantly more than him. I did it because I couldn't bear the thought of not being there for my kids at that age, not being able to meet their needs, and have them being brought up by a nanny. I was brought up by a SAHM and a self employed work at home dad so I really felt it was important to be around for my kids as much as possible at that age. Parenting and working from home is tough in its own way, but nowhere near as stressful as what you're doing. I have no regrets and I KNOW I would have if I hadn't been there for my kids. Having said that though, I get a lot of fulfilment from my work - maybe you could find something that could be done part time from home? While I'd always put my kids first, you absolutely need to have something for yourself too.

Please don't stop working... For all the reasons already given.
But have you thought about an OOPE?
A year in research or academia..?
Or an OOPC
You are not limited to three months as you said... Have you spoken to your post grad Dean, education supervisor or the Royal college?
They will have heard this before and should help you.

Sorry spreader send too soon

Is what is the career path to becoming an associate specialist or staff grade in surgery? Might be quicker and easier but final salary much lower.

Umm OP I feel for you I do but I think you and your DH need to work out what is most important for you all as a family.

I know a lot of Drs. Some make it work by having a nanny / then private school with lots of wrap-around care. Others have both been able to go part-time. Partly I believe it is the field they work in that gives them flexibility.

What strikes me most is that you are considering giving up your career for your children's wellbeing. Your DH isn't offering anything because it might hurt his career. I'm sorry I think there is a compromise position where you both sacrifice something for the good of your family. His career does not trump yours.

My DH went part time during lockdown so that he could help with young DC and allow me to keep my job. I think it is time your DH supported you

You may regret it bitterly when they need you less and they don't even remember their toddlerhood for which you sacrificed years of hard work and a career. Don't do it.

Do not quit. Get the qualifications.
My friend did the same then her DH left her and the kids and now he has a fabulous life with his new wife ( also a hospital consultant) amd my friend is struggling in a 2 bed flat. She does tutoring now and is is full of resentment.

You need to work with your DH as a team.

My only other thought is c

Fwiw, OP, my SIL not only powered through her training with 2 children, but now she's on a better salary and better hours than my surgeon brother.

Keep in mind that when you balance your career with your OH.

Do what suits your family but please investigate all of your husbands options first. So many women at your stage make the decision to step back and it makes a lot of sense with small kids but they grow, and you are then out of the workforce while his career flourishes because he doesn’t have to worry about any child care. It’s tough on individual women and I’m not expecting you to solve the patriarchy ! but that’s how men continue to thrive unfortunately. Is there any way you can keep your foot in the door? Or get him to take a chunk of time off? I feel for you I really do but stepping back for a minute, it’s not fair that you have to stop altogether

Don’t quit, change everything else. You and your husband need to look at all options. It’s his time to work less hours, spend money on help at home - whatever you need. Housekeeper, nanny, au pair plus.

Think of moving to somewhere with a shorter commute.

You WOULDNT be giving up your career for your kids. You would be giving it up so your husband isn’t inconvenienced by having to parent his children.

Please don’t do this thinking he will be grateful. He won’t. There’s a 35- 50% chance you will split up later and he will say that he DIDNT want you to do that and he was stressed having to earn all the money while you sat at home doing nothing.

Please think of these odds. Don’t risk it.

What kind of lesson are you teaching your kids - men’s jobs are more important than women’s ? There’s no point in women getting and education or a career ?