AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

He may not even need to go part time, but he could pick up most of the parenting and housework for the time you need to finish.

Op I'd look at all options. There must be some way to make it work without throwing away your career completely. Your in a guaranteed job for life, few can honestly say that.

Its nuts to give up your career, absolutely nuts, you have no clue what the future holds for you individually or as a family, illness, divorce, death it happens.

Find a way, maybe both of you doing 80% hours, maybe a change of path, but keep your income and future.

I don't think you'd have chosen a surgical specialty if you didn't love it. It's not a default choice, afaik.
And it seems like you don't want to leave it, but you also need to find a family balance.
So, find support. Nanny, child minder who can take extra hours, and certainly demand from your OH the same input you've put in while he's advanced his career. It's your time now, and it should be a team effort all considered.

Would he be willing to give up his career if he was in your position? Doubt it.

How did you come to the decision to have children? What was the plan?

Don't give up OP, get your DH to do something to assist you. Do not let your career be sacrificed on the alter of his. Try and throw more money at the nanny situation and see it as an investment.

Don't give up your career totally, you will regret in the end. Is there a possibility to change to GP ? I heard GP's working time and work load is more child friendly. I used to have a friend who is a GP, she works part time and manage quite well.

Also, you may ask information about return to training scheme. I know there are these kind of scheme to get doctors back to work. If you can take one-two years break, then going back to training when childcare is sorted, maybe it will work for you.

I feel for you, I really do. You sound wrung out.

I would also quit in your shoes. It will make you financially vulnerable no doubt but you can make plans/agreements to minimise this.

For example: isa/savings in your name only, your name on mortgage/deeds, paying into a good private pension, maybe start a small investment portfolio.

Pp are right in that your children will not be small forever but ime children still really need their parents as tweens/teens - just on a different way. (Or maybe that's only my kids!)

However, you don't get these early years back. If your dh is supportive I'd seriously consider it.

Does he have similar guilt regarding the situation?

OP - I've been very impressed with the 5 year training plan and plans for the future from the various surgery training bodies in the UK.

Is there no flexibility within those that would suit your circumstances?

“That said I have every respect for the women who choose to give up their work and be full time mums. “

I work full time - I’m still a full time mum!!!! When the kids are sick the school still calls me - I don’t have the option to say I’m only a part time mum can you look after them please. The sooner we stop this part time mum rubbish the better it will be for all woman.

Apologies I have not read the full thread but my suggestion would be to consider switching specialty to one where you can keep your career on 'hold' so to speak for the next few years so your foot stays in the door. That is what I have done and whilst it is frustrating seeing people progress and overtake me, the part time works well for family life and I will go back into training and try progress in a few years when kids are older and need me less.

It is definitely not flawless but for now, my job is a job and DH has the career so I can spend time with children. We came to this decision together and are happy with it

Why can't your partner go PT and you go back FT?

I gave up a really good career, didn't think twice when dc came along.
It's each to their own, but I hated leaving mine, sos didn't.
I have no regrets, but we are the type who enjoy living frugally and aren't materialistic in the slightest.
A bag for a tenner out of Primark does me, and I have one.
Not saying that that's the only reason people work, but after our bills were paid it would just be extra money, where as we value time more.

Have pm'd you.

Not sure I can add much. Clearly you do, as a family, need to make changes to improve your quality of life. I dont see why you binning everything is the only option though. That's a hell of a risky strategy for you, quite frankly.

Hi OP
You are in a hole at the moment and I think the trigger is your nanny quitting. Don't quit your job without doing some serious scenario planning.
Get advice from your deanery/the sources suggested upthread on your career options.
Seriously work out how long the crazy working hours will last for and what help you need to buy in to get through that.
Seriously challenge your DP could he really not drop down to 0.8FTE?
Your kids will be absolutely fine if you have good quality childcare. a full time nanny if needed until the youngest is school age at least, longer if you can afford it. A full time nanny role may be more attractive to applicants and easier to fill than part time. You will always be their mum even if you do have a few years of full time work. (Believe me they will really need you when they are teens!)
Really, really look at the finances and what you can afford in terms of childcare, housing etc have you actually run the numbers in detail looking at house prices, mortgage costs etc? The preschool years are very expensive for childcare but it can get a lot cheaper after that. If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel things will seem much better.

I am a mom of 3 who has always worked in a job i have loved,i have had to work , but after everything its just a job which you are doing to earn money to live .
I know its a cliche buts it is true, they are grown before you know it , we choose to be a mom so surely we should do the best we can for our kids.
You are very lucky to be able to live on one wage so why not take a break and be at home , everyones life will become simpler , you will have options again in the future, there must be so many options in the medical field which your skills / qualifications can do .
I hope things work out for you .

Only you can answer your questions. But i do understand where you are coming from. I'm a barrister and left the independent Bar after 7 years to start a family; there was no way i could continue how I was prior; 70 hour weeks, working weekends and late nights. It just wasn't compatible. I've taken a step down and work part time, still as a barrister, but in a desk-based role rather than being in court all over the country on a daily basis. Im glad I did, I couldn't have a family and continue to perform the role I was.

Give up for you. If this is not what you want to do. Then you will be happy in the future and is the right decision.

Giving up for the children does not seem such a good idea. It is very unlikely the children will ever appreciate this sacrifice, and you may actually resent them as they become ungrateful pree-teenagers.

This is probably very controversial, but there are plenty of nurseries, child minders, etc that can be wonderful support. I grew up with full time working parents, and complained bitterly when I was younger that I was neglected. Nowadays I completely understand and valued the chnace to grow independently and being taught that a woman's place was not necessarily at home.You are the rough model, so what are you telling your dc about carreers, gender roles, etc?

I went very part time when my dds were little. My career has now hit a real barrier. I really regret not putting my career higher up as an important factor. I didn’t love those years basically at home with the little ones- it was tough and boring and I wasn’t very good at it. I should have worked more to be more fulfilled and happier now- that impacts them as teens as I am not as fun to be arojnd now as I would be if I had been more content in my work. My advice is to somehow make it work- even if your dh has to sacrifice something aboht his career. Why should it be yours that is abandoned totally just in case he might not be quite as successful?

Do you not hear that a higher rate of teenagers are suffering form mental illness? Also considering exams, relationships, new found independence. I believe that teens, may not need you physically, but they require a LOT of emotional support.

Oh, dear god.

OP, your children are still far from the teenage years and most teenagers I know don't require sahp or have mental health issues.

See how your children develop.

They will grow up and leave home and you may well end up regretting not living up to your potencial.

Also, another pp saying you can go back after 5 years is largely talking bollocks (as well as possibly spaming).

If you love your job and you want a career, stick with it.

You might wish to post this on a doctors forum such as doctors.net (you need to register with your GMC number). You will get advice from people who are doctors and have been through similar in their training. There are lots of options, out of program experience, pausing your training and being a specialty doctor for a while, less than full time training, switching specialties (I’m a psychiatrist and our training is much more flexible and family orientated, I have friends who switched from anaesthetics to GP and are much happier). I’d start by speaking to your educational supervisor and the postgraduate dean for your specialty.

Have I missed something? Its not your dilemma, it is you AND your DH dilemma. He needs to realise that they are his kids too (are they his kids?)

Yes this is the big point. OP isn't giving up her career to look after her DC but to protect his career trajectory. That is a huge risk for anyone to take.

Have I missed something? Its not your dilemma, it is you AND your DH dilemma. He needs to realise that they are his kids too (are they his kids?)

Consider what you'd do if you split with your DH in a few years time and have to support yourself and your DC on your own, in a divorce you'd most likely get a larger share of assets and you'd get maintenance BUT you lose access to your DHs salary and his ability to get a mortgage.

None of us get married expecting to get divorced but it happens. My dd will always be advised to ensure she can support herself and her dc herself.

I'm sure life is a lot easier if one parent does everything at home and the other parent can concentrate on their career. It's certainly easier for the working parent. It is a massive risk to take though for the parent throwing their career away. Not just in case the working parent is no longer present, but will you also be fully happy and with no regrets once children don't need you that much, or when they have left home? When your former colleagues are busy with their exciting and fulfilling careers?

I wouldn't quit
I don't have DC, but my parents both worked long hours full time and I had a nanny. Honestly I don't remember anything until about age 10. I have memories of holidays, stuff like swimming in a river, being in a motor home eating chips, fun stuff
I don't remember who made my tea or picked me up from school or anything like that. So you could be giving it up for what benefit? Ok you might feel guilty but will your children actually remember? I don't