AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

This will be hard for you as you are getting so many different replies. But I recently became a SAHM after having my third child. It was a really, really hard decision. Although I knew I very much wanted to be with my children and not have to cobble together the different bits of childcare to make sure they were looked after, and to deal with the constant juggling and mental load that created, I also felt really strongly that if I stopped work I’d be letting down everything I’d achieved, my education, being a woman in the workplace and all that kind of thing. But I just kept circling back to wanting to be with my children and not missing out on their early years, and also the later ones when I’m told they do still need you a great deal in different ways. And I say that as someone who was already working part part time in a far less stressful role than yourself. Really I knew in my heart what I wanted to do and the barriers I had to overcome were the worries I had about letting myself down and what people might think of me. But I got there in the end. Your situation is obviously slightly different, in that you are feeling that having small children and a demanding career of your choice seems impossible. But I don’t think he would be seriously considering stopping work as an option if you didn’t somehow feel comfortable with it already, you’d just be rigourously trying to find the right childcare to make your chosen career happen. The children probably will be fine either way, I know that a lot of my decision was about my feelings of wanting to be with them and my projections of how they might feel if I wasn’t there. Children are very flexible and they will be fine and super proud of you when you get where you want to be. But it’s about what you want really and what you will look back on and wish you had or hadn’t done.

It sounds like something has got to give but you don't sound like you want to give up - if you had other options, you'd keep at it.

"It did really stick out to me, OP, that your dh can't go part-time because if he did it would have a negative effect on his career, but it's seemingly entirely OK for you to give yours up entirely (the ultimate 'negative effect', perhaps)"

Yes, yes to this. I didn't sacrifice an amazing career for my DH but decisions were made that suited him better at the time because I was the one working part-time with a bigger role in the dc's day to day lives. Now I have older teens there is some resentment on my part. Your dc will leave home when you still have a decade or two of working life. How do you see yourself filling those years and will you feel resentful if your DH is a success in his medical career and you don't have one?

It's really hard and really shit to be in the position you are in but you deserve a career as much as your DH and it would seem the best way out of your current predicament is to have your DH go part time and cut you some slack.

My mum gave up medicine when I was born in the 1970s. She never went back to it. Instead she was a full time mum while my dad went on to become a pioneering and extremely successful surgeon. That was fine while it was fine: she loved being a mum, and we were very comfortable financially. BUT it didn't end up okay: when they were in their early 50s, just as all of us kids were slowly leaving the nest and becoming independent, my dad decided to leave my mum for a glamorous (much) younger woman at work (a story as old as time...). They then proceeded to wipe the floor with my mum financially during the divorce. Now she's in her 70s with no pension, no career, and a lasting sadness. Meanwhile my dad retired from surgical practice as a full clinical professor with many honours, a whopping pension, a fat bank account, and ludicrously well paid part time 'consulting' and speaking gigs. He even financed a second family with the glamorous young wife.
OP, please don't be my mum. She would never have foreseen this happening when she was your age, but here we all are. Please work with your DH to make it work. Your career is not a nice little 'also have' - it's your identity and your future.

I have a very close friend who made it to consultant surgeon level with two young kids.

In her case money was no object, and they have always had a nanny 60 hours a week and have other staff, and a backup nanny.

I admire her very much and she’s truly amazing, but I would not personally have made the sacrifices she did.

She (and her DH) have worked 80 hour weeks since leaving uni. She spent her short maternity leaves doing exam preparation full-time, with the nanny there. She has regularly gone for days without seeing the kids/babies or her DH, despite them all sleeping in the same house.

People who are saying you should keep at it, maybe are not quite understanding the hours that need to be put in and the inflexibility regarding hours and location.

And if your DH is close to consultant I can see why as a family you’d want to prioritise him getting there sooner purely for the money step-up.

It is such a shame you can’t use your amazing skills and knowledge, but just fewer hours a week, it’s so frustrating that it seems to be all or nothing.

As an outsider it does seem surgery is left in the dark ages regarding work-life balance. Even in law or finance there is always the option to do your minimum hours and take an easier route without having to completely give up.

My friend would probably now say it was worth it. I’m not sure what to suggest.

Not a surgeon but a scrub nurse, there’s a reason so few women are in surgery, most of the female consultants I know have partners who are stay at home parents or part time. Is becoming a staff grade an option? And I can see why you wouldn’t want gp, any other specialties that might be feasible for you? Anaesthetics , or radiology and go interventional. Perhaps a PhD or research fellowship for a year or so then back to clinical when your children are a bit older.

It is a really, really hard decision op. If I were you, I would try to find the half way house before giving it all up.

Switch your specialism to one which is better suited to part time working, move house to somewhere which has excellent links to London and find a really good nanny who can send you pics of dc going about their day while you work.

If after all that you still want to leave, then go for it.

I have 3dc but my middle child is disabled and I managed to work part time until he was 10 when it all went tits up and the decision was made for me. I now work for myself and have the chance to cook dinners, clean the house (theoretically although I don't really ) and read with the kids etc.

I love it but I left behind years of study and experience and the money of course! I have the occasional wobble but because I worked as long as I could, I have no regrets.

Move into a different specialty? GP?

Haven't rtft but how about quitting and be self employed doing filler and Botox? You could choose to do a few hours a week at a Samson somewhere and imagine you'd make enough for a holiday etc

the...WHAT?

@Teateaandmoretea I’ve known her several years, she as much as it’s hard for some to believe wants to be a stay at home mum, I was sceptical at first but she is genuinely happy.

My point was she chose the expected path. I have no idea what she wanted I don’t know her.

“They’re only little once and it’s over so fast”. Yes that is true. But why base ALL your choices for the rest of your life for what is just a few years? Our kids will grow up and leave us. It is what they are supposed to do. Making tremendously sacrifices and throwing away a career is daft considering they will / must go. My mum didn’t work for 15 years and massively underplayed her potential all her life. We left home (as we should) and she’s stuck behind with an inadequate pension, no money, bored to tears and a sense of burning frustration that will never go. It must be very hard - but quitting now would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Personally I don't think you can recover a child's early years or the time with them. Their childhood happens once, and if you feel too pressured and tired to actually enjoy any time with them, and you can afford stop, then stop.

Going even further still I would move out of the city and into the country, where the quality of life for younger children is much higher, you may get a job as doctor with better hours or a different arrangement there.

You are likely to have many regrets if you continue as you are.

be a mom now and in 5 years from now, you comeback as doctor.

That's really not how it works.

In many more demanding careers, 5 year breaks means starting from scratch. With young people who have tons of energy and no obligations, for low pay. Whereas, if you had continued, you would already be in a lot more comfortable and established position offering you family friendly flexibility and enough money to buy in all kinds of help. It's not 'oh just take a little break'.

Also most definitely seek out women in same career. There are some posting here but also irl.

I agree with pp it’s not any old job to throw away.

It’s very well done to get this far. You shouldn’t be beholden but don’t underestimate the value of what it brings.

(I’m so sorry I misread your initial post @doctormumoftwo - just seen that you’re LTFT already - point one still stands though re. other specialties being much more family friendly!)

Develesko Agree totally! We seem to be on a hamster wheel of money /possessions here in UK .Many many people manage on a lot less than we all have in all parts of our world!Coffee and Beans I take your point and of course we are all F/T Mums whether at work or not ,however the SAHMs dont have to think about anything else other than DC /Home life/Hobbies .Whereas Working Mums have a lot more mental energy going into their work.Not saying this is good or bad but a valid point.

Haven't rtft but how about quitting and be self employed doing filler and Botox? You could choose to do a few hours a week at a Samson somewhere and imagine you'd make enough for a holiday etc

Have you considered doing GP training? I know others who have done that and found the ability to manage their hours much easier as a GP.

I’m a doctor, and I took time out a while ago expecting to be back in 2ish years continuing training... Well here I am 4.5 years later and still no return in sight due to our family circumstances. I haven’t read whole thread so I apologise if I’m repeating anyone.

2 thoughts - firstly, I completely disagree that changing specialties would inevitably result in a similar intensity of workload and expectation to surgical training. This quite simply isn’t true. There are many, many specialties which are infinitely more family friendly than FT surgical training, especially when done LTFT. Most, as I’m sure you’ll know, do 60/80% which immediately reduces your childcare bill but will not necessarily double the length of training. Also, if you have (from memory) 5/6 years to go time, surely even if it was another 6 years before you were fully qualified as a GP, your work/life balance in that time will have been infinitely better and you will have seen much more of your children, so it may well be worth it regardless.

Secondly, don’t underestimate the impact that quitting work completely will have on your own self-esteem, identity, drive and motivation, mental health, autonomy, sense self-worth and ability to have your own headspace from time to time, as well as your ability to return later to the same level (obviously specialty and stage dependent). For me, it’s been a LONG slog, and I’ve made huge personal sacrifices to be at home with my kids, as we don’t have much other choice (my view may be tainted by the fact that I parent alone most of the time week to week). Yes, it’s been a privilege, I wouldn’t have had it any other way on reflection, and I’m sure that I’ll look back at this time fondly in the future, but my God what I would give for a bit of myself back - the confident, successful, intelligent woman who breezed through her medical degree and had the time of her life, who was generally considered to be a pretty bloody good doctor and colleague, and who had the ability to eat lunch or drink a coffee or have a conversation with another adult without being kicked in the face/screamed at/drowned under yet another load of washing/called ‘Daisy’s mum’ by someone who has no idea what my name actually is (name changed for obvious reasons!!)...

My point is, I guess, in your position I would investigate the middle ground a little further before jacking it all in completely.

If you would like, PM me and I can point you in the direction of a couple of resources for docs on career breaks.

Good luck!

Quite right @Coffeeandbeans. Comments like ‘full time mum’ or ‘giving up work to be a mum’ are so misleading! When we have children, we all become mums or dads. We don’t clock on or off being parents. I’m a full time mum who also went to work some of the time. I’ve never heard a SAHM say they stop being a mum When their kids are at school, or when they go to granny’s overnight or off for a play date. We’re always mums or dads whether we go to work or not

And if you can try and set aside some time every day to sit with them and read/play, even if just half an hour/an hour some days, you'll feel better

Can you stick at it for another year or so until your DH is qualified then he goes part time until you qualify?

I'm assuming you went into this field as it's something your passionate about and are driven by rather than for the money? I couldn't throw that away. I would take the 3 months off, look for a new home and a new school, plus a nanny. Try and get that sorted then return, when your husband is fully qualified see if he can go PT while you qualify so there is less pressure.
OP you've worked so so hard for something that does so much good, your children will be so proud of you when they grow up that mum saves lives.
Good luck and take care