AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

And whereabouts in London? We were n10 and lived in a couple of flats with big shared gardens which were fabulous. Plus there were several woods and lots of big parks.

Very pleased with your update. Going forward please keep in mind that your husband is an equal parent and an equal partner in the marriage. He has equal responsibilities towards his children and should support you in your career as you have supported him. Please don't take all the mental load and delegate as much work as possible. You may be out of pocket but it's only for a short while.
I am rooting for you! You will be a spectacular surgeon! All the best!

Oh ok, sounds like you’re not doing too badly! Ask him about his memories of growing up. Were none of them at home just doing stuff? Ask the dc what they loved best about a day. Mine are at home with a nanny temporarily due to covid and I must say they are loving being home more and just playing.

Totally agree, he needs to pick up the mental load too. He needs to think about childcare, he needs to speak to the agencies to communicate needs, to interview candidates, to offer, to think about payment, to organise a cleaner, to do the online shopping etc etc. I bet he's not on a forum asking how on earth he can juggle it all. He'll just assume someone/you will sort it all out.

Very pleased to hear your update. I know four female doctors with young children (between one and three) and all have had really hard times but on the whole their families are great and their children certainly haven't suffered.

For a woman who loves her career to give it all up for the children and to be supporting her male partner to succeed in exactly that same career to me just sounds like a recipe for resentment.

Yes it would have impacted his career but the sexism will continue until men start to make these requests

^THIS

I have a male colleague who is taking 6 weeks paternity leave and its all falling on me. I have no complaints. I am paying it forward for all the male colleagues who covered for me when it was my turn. If we want a TRULY equal society then that's how it has to be.

The problem is he doesn't see there being a problem with us both being full time. He doesn't particularly want to be part time and doesn't think the kids need it. I think they do.
Do you carry him op? tell him to find a nanny. If you are both full time that kind of thing will fall to you equally. While you’re at it make sure he is cooking several times a week (or planning, freezing and reheating) tidying toys and doing the washing. Are there vaccinations due? His job. He won’t get it unless he does it, and the admin as well.
I plan to pick a year and have dh organise all holiday camps, not my problem. I will take a reasonably negotiated amount of leave just as he does now. We are doing bits and pieces around the house and I realise I’ve carried him so far so I’m stepping back from that. Some of its time sensitive but I think he will get that. You do need to let them fail a bit.

Cross-post.
Very pleased with your update.
I hope all turns out well, and I'm sure it will.

As others have pointed out, but for the opposite argument, childhood is only a few years. Then what?

I've worked full time and still managed to be an important part of DS's life.
We have a good relationship in his teens, although he's not the most talkative ever.
Being a SAHM doesn't guarantee you will have a good or better relationship with your children.
And it won't guarantee any academic or professional success either. Independence is better, IMO, than by having helicopter parents that end up having very little in their lives beyond their children's lives.

You can have your career and have quality time with your children.
You just need to ensure more support.

Not saying that that's the only reason people work

@Devlesko yes you are. You have made your attitude towards working mothers perfectly clear in the past.

Honestly? I’d probably look to hiring the help I needed and going full time to get my training done in a shorter period. Which I know seems counter productive but it opens your options up a lot quicker without you compromising your career.

I’m not a doctor but another HCP and like a PP considered doing my medical training but knocked the idea on the head once I fully appreciated the hours you guys put in. Don’t give it up though, your children won’t be little forever and if you’re at home taking all the strain there that lets your husband take the time and space to fly high in his career. And I don’t know about you but that would breed resentment for me big time.

@anielaoliviabeau what’s your area of law. If you prefer DM me.

Hello OP.

I have just read your thread and it takes me back to the time I was a widowed single parent in my 30s. I was studying so that I could get a profession with a decent salary to support my children who were similar ages to yours. When I finished my first degree and secured a job I had to study a Masters degree as well as work full time to achieve professional status in my career. This was a condition of my employment. It was hard and I felt like you many, many times. I had no support and childminding was always fraught and I felt guilty and anxious all of the time towards my children, I was always tired and often wondered whether it was all worth it. But looking back I think it was.

Recently my now grown up daughter told me that I was a role model, that she was proud of what I had achieved. Not just the academic achievements but also the fact that I had shown her that as a woman it was important to be independent and able to support myself and my children. That I was not reliant upon a man to support us. No one knows what the future holds. Please do not give up. I did this alone but you have a husband who is equally responsible for the upbringing of your children. Why not talk it through with him to see how you can both find solutions to childcare and child rearing. Giving up on your career would be such a shame. Your children need good role models too.

Good luck.

What about your patients; is it fair to them to have such a distracted and conflicted surgeon?

That said I believe your concern for the kids is misplaced. Two hard working parents is good modeling and the children don't need to be coddled center of the universe to thrive. Also please don't quit and then complain that the workplace discriminates against mums and all that. The workplace discriminates against those who voluntarily opt not to work.

In the long run I think quitting and becoming dependent would cause many regrets; what if something happens to your spouse or marriage for example?

Can you still be a doctor but just give up the surgical speciality for now? Sorry i dont know much about the different levels are you still a junior doctor or a registrar? I think its really hard in any career to progress if you are part time, there is not enough hours to do so that dont wind up spilling over into non working hours. I think you need to think carefully if its the right decision for you personally as there is potential for a whole load of resentment issues if you are the one to make ALL the career sacrifices whilst your husband carries on doing what he wants to do. Have you got access to any specialist mentor support or coaching expert that may help you in decision making

In the short term would seek a new nanny.

Your H is a problem IMO as he is prioritising his career over yours. With a DH like that I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM, so wouldn’t quit my job without something else decent to go to, if not medicine then a role doing something else using your skills and qualifications, for reasonable pay.

Hi OP,

Recently qualified GP here.

First I have to say I am immensely impressed that you have got this far in your training with two small children and a partner also in medicine. For those who don't work in the field it's hard to appreciate the personal study time required, I imagine that in spite of working LTFT at the moment if you factor that in you're probably already working far and above most peoples full time hours.

It's such a heart breaking situation for you, every surgeon I've met before has had to have so much passion and energy to get through their training, it's very much a calling. But getting help with your children- be that husband reducing hours, nanny or any other option- would help with your workload but wouldn't give you more time with them yourself, which I imagine is what you want.

I know it isn't your calling but I would encourage you to consider switching speciality. GP training for example is three years but only half of that is hospital postings and you may be able to reduce that further given your experience. Some of the "hospital posts" are very relaxed eg I did 6 months of psychiatry. Try to get the hospital jobs out of the way as quickly as possible with as high a proportion of hours as you can tolerate then drop your hours for the GP postings.

Being a good GP is (contrary to popular opinion) actually very difficult but the beauty of the job is its flexibility and the options to develop a special interest. I have worked with some excellent ex surgical trainees who now use their skills for things like minor surgery in their practice.

I wish you well whatever path you choose to take. Please do DM me if you want to talk more.

I work in medicine and there are some who are also married to medics

Some have relationships where they both work part time

Some both work full time but have a lot of support, but are very stressed

Some have primary care type roles for this reason, my in laws did this, one a GP the other part time family planning doctor which worked ok

Are you both surgeons? What about your on- calls - what do they look like and what will they look like when you're out of where you are now? My brother is an anaesthetist, when he became a consultant about 12 years ago his on call work happened at home which may be more suited, how long til you quality to this level?

If you think you need a nanny (possibly plural) to cover all hours then somethjng has to give somewhere - no nanny would be keen to cover anything to suit your working patterns I'm sure as it's crazy (if it's anything like our hospital?!)

As for city life - just get out - that sounds awfully small dwellings - there are jobs out there if you/your husband are willing to compromise- it does sound like perhaps your DH needs some compromise though

I am genuinely astounded at the number of posters who seem to be ignoring the fact that OP does not want to walk away from her job because she loves doing it.

This isn't some random shit grunt job that she hates doing that's causing child care problems. It's a job that she loves and that she has invested years of hard work into. I'm really taken aback by the number of people who are recommending she walks away from it, instead of asking her H to work part-time as well to parent his own kids, so that she can continue her career.

I wouldn't quit, I'd find a good nanny and maybe at least switch to a different speciality (GP?) if that meant I didn't quit. I'd get some advice from women in the same field as you. Get a cleaner and anything else that makes your life easier to enable you to go back.

I'm a SAHM and it is lovely, but I worry about the future, my career is falling behind and I'm not financially independent. I was working p/t and was made redundant due to Covid. I love spending time with my children, but there is that other side to it. I'm making sure that I'm always thinking about the future and I'm aiming not to take too long out. I think my marriage is solid, but you never, ever know. No one ever does, otherwise why would we do it in the first place?!

You've worked so hard, for so long. I'd think carefully before giving it up. Could you take the 3 month break to recalibrate and give you time to find a good nanny?

OP this is an incredibly difficult decision to make. I gave up my career (not a surgeon but well paid upper management in a well known financial organisation). I don't regret is as such, but it has left me in a situation now that I would much rather not be in. I think, given the time again, I would make a different decision.

A friend took on a research job in a pharmaceutical company, another for a research based charity. Could you find another job that uses your skills but isn't so intense?

My advice is to ask yourself, given neither choice is what I want, which choice will I find it easier to live with?