AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Are you able to take a break and return part time once your youngest is in reception? Even a year or two might be good?

Don’t give up! You’ve got to do something just for you.

Perhaps hire in housekeeping at the weekend too OP. Just read your latest posts, well done, keep going!

And can husband reduce slightly over this period? As others have said fairs fair

I would hire in a lot of help OP. Possibly two nannies and go fulltime to get it done. You can then go part-time, but hopefully things will be easier then. It's an investment

What would you do if your partner divorced you?
What would you do if he died?

If you can answer these questions and have a plan for both situations then it is fine to give up work.

That s the basic questions. You could then ask yourself how you would feel 10, 20 or30 years down the line if you had given up work,and if you hadn't. It s much more abstract and you may not be able to tell though.

I'm also so relieved you're not going to quit. Can we help you to relocate to a more suitable place in London? There are still cheaper, centralish areas.

OP it sounds like you've come up with a great plan, finding a balance is so hard, particularly when you love your job (a problem I have luckily never had .

@coffeeandbeans your assessment of some of the people posting on this thread feels a bit harsh. I'll encourage my DD's to try their best and follow their dreams, whatever they may be. I'd be delighted if they study hard and get their dream job, I'll be similarly delighted if they don't have a high flying career, as long as they're happy. I don't feel that is hypocritical. People can only do what's right for them. It's absolutely not wrong to want a career, but it's not wrong not to either, it's an entirely personal decision that will be different for different people.

Imagine telling a man on his way to becoming a surgeon that he should quit and get himself a nice little shop job - it simply would NEVER be suggested in a million years!

Yup. Or that he will be missing all the precious moments and they are only small for such a short time.

a couple of suggestions for a few years time

If you can separate yourselves from the advanced- medicine lure of London , you open yourselves up to living in a far cheaper part of the UK where two PT consultants could afford a house big enough for live-in nanny with her own appartment .

Investigate the attractions of making a career at regional hospitals covering a diverse patient catchment .

Good luck OP! Sounds like you really love your job and would like to do it in the long term. Is it a run-through programme starting at ST1? At ST3, if you stopped for a couple of years, would you have to repeat SHO core surgical or do you have to start from ST1 again? Could you switch to staff grade and do part-time or locum SHO jobs for a couple of years? It might take the pressure off to just keep skills up rather than the continual need to get new things signed off and ‘progress’.

It sounds like your DH would be fairly hands-off in terms of reading, homework etc. Will you be happy with that? The kids might get different things which are equally or more valuable when your DH looks after them, but it is worth thinking about, trying and discussing so you are on the same page.

I'm so relieved you're not going to give up your career OP! I was horrified reading your initial posts and the replies. You worked just as hard as your husband to get where you are and you have just as much potential as him - why on earth should you be the one to take all the sacrifice? With such a level playing field career-wise he definitely has equal responsibilty for your DC and their well-being. As mentioned upthread sexism is never going to go away until men step up and request the flexibility at work instead of sitting back happy for their partners to sacrifice themselves.

Imagine telling a man on his way to becoming a surgeon that he should quit and get himself a nice little shop job - it simply would NEVER be suggested in a million years! I've been a SAHM and if you have been any way ambitious/academic it can be mental torture - in fact it can be mental torture for anyone, I think there's very, very few women who are suited to it.

Wishing you all the best in your future. You're a great role model for girls aspiring to be surgeons and especially for your children

So to all those PPs saying give up your job, it doesn’t matter, get a little local job, you will feel guilty, you will be a proper full time mum etc etc I hope you are advising your daughters not to bother aiming for those A grades or applying to medical school and studying for 7 years. Hypocrites and sexist.

I'm SO glad you've decided to keep your job, and that you're realising your husband needs to do more. Treating women as the default childcarers and treating their jobs as less important hurts us all.

Don't be afraid to push for the support you need, both at work and from your partner (that's what he should be - an equal partner).

It would be a shame to give up medicine now, and I think you'd regret it later. For the immediate future, find new nanny quick and give yourself time to think.

Perhaps you should consider side-stepping to a less demanding specialty, where potentially the hours and demands are easier to fit around family life. Endocrinology or Dermatology. Genetics, Pathology, Geriatrics.

I feel for you, it's really tough. You're at a really difficult place in your family/career but it's not the best time to make the decision to duck out. Lots of lovely advice here but I'm not sure everyone here realises that you can't just 'park' medical training and pick it up again when you feel ready again. If you leave, you'll be unlikely to get so far up the greasy pole again.
Part time in a medical career just means less than the full timers are doing which is still an awful lot. I'd urge you to get the nanny, sort the school, put a bit more on the DH (in my own experience being part time meant that I had to do everything at home because he was 'working' - as if I wasn't!) maybe even go full-time again because it's overall quicker to train and you get the recognition of working and - whispers quietly - the kids still love you and don't really mind what you do.
Your future is as important as anyone's and your future as a surgeon (or any other doctor) is going to be a doddle after this!

My DCs will always give me more joy than anything else in this world.

But I didn’t want to take the risk of other things not working out in life (relationship breakdown, illness, death) and not being able to provide for the DCs.

I had to keep reminding my DP that our DCs were our joint responsibility.

Paying for extra help to get through the tough years helped us so much. We actually lived in a wreck of a house and lived frugally so we could pay for the help we had. But we never had to the guilt re our DCs. Having our free time as family time (with all chores/housework done etc each weekend) was also such a luxury and very good for or family dynamic and relationship.

Our nanny was phenomenal - never stressed and so emotionally available. She stayed for four years and was like a big sister to them. Better cook and housekeeper than me. I’ll never forget the joy of opening their drawers and seeing their little clothes folded and ironed beautifully and a box of nappies I thought had run out, topped up. She was the single reason we got through those years intact.

I don’t feel we/DCs missed out at all. If anything, I had permission to really live in the moment when I was with my young DCs (without worrying what was for supper or how we were going to timetable haircuts, swimming lessons, new shoe shopping etc).

I have very close relationship with DCs still, I am home a lot earlier now and they are well adjusted and happy....but as early teens /tweens they love their independence and prefer the company of their friends. They also don’t remember those days when it was so hard for their parents :)

Sorry to add to the chorus of 'what is your dh doing about this'... but did you both agree to have children? Did he want kids? Does he want kids that are well cared for? If so...he needs to up his game and help you come up with solutions that work for all of you... Solutions could range from him going part time, to both of you spending more on nannies/cleaners 'help' to considering moving areas/trusts. Why is it only you that feels guilty/worries about reading/needs to 'be there for the kids'?
Both dh and I have had to accommodate each other in the need for balancing two full on careers and being the parents we wanted to be. Kids are older now (last one will leave primary this year) and it does get easier. But...dh has taken on board school picks ups, school admin, endless Biff and Chip and maths guidance... drops to clubs etc etc... We both have ... Meaning both of us have been equally present and available for the kids....but not both equally at the same time- I was more absent when studying for my professional qualifications, he was more absent when jetting off to dodgy areas of the globe working with infectious diseases. The kids can equally talk/turn to either of us. Do you want some a house where old style gender roles are replicated where 'daddy' is the work all hours consultant who doesn't know who their friends are and 'mummy' is the one doing the domestic drudge. Also... do you not worry that this would lead to some resentment down the line? What if he becomes some super star surgeon, presenting at international conferences and you take a job as a GP's receptionist because it fits around the kids and then you get talked over at dinner parties by his oh so smart medic friends because you are just a house wife. I am not saying it is correct or ok, but sahm parents are not treated all that well in certain social circles. Can your relationship survive the massive disparity when you a have clearly been bright enough and driven enough to strive for your own personal success (as you say a life's work) then had to give it up for what should be both your lifes work? I have seen lots and lots of women step back 'just when the kids are little' then find it very hard to get back some semblance of self and the long term repercussions of that are enormous and don't often end well (affairs/divorce/depression). Think through what it will look like in ttwo eyars, five years and ten years (both options)....

I am genuinely astounded at the number of posters who seem to be ignoring the fact that OP does not want to walk away from her job because she loves doing it.

Maybe read the title and assess what the OP is asking, then you might not be so astounded, lol.
The intelligence on here, sometimes.

Really pleased to read your update, OP. I think you will make it work!
Best of luck with your family and your career.

I remember speaking to my adult children about their childhoods. They mainly talk about the good times, the times when we had fun together or something silly happened and not the times I was studying or tired.I think the main point is to be a present parent when you are spending quality time with them. Listening, playing or reading to them whatever you are doing with them. When mine became teens I almost had to beg them to spend time with me!!

It isn't easy when they are young but take it from me you never stop worrying about them. I am now retired and my adult children are in their 40s but I still worry about them. The only difference is that now I don't get involved unless they ask me. Which is a different story altogether.

In terms of work, in the short term- I will find a good nanny and carry on part time for 12 months, I can take this penultimate exam and go 100% after that for ST4-7. I will try to insist that he takes a part time consultant post (in 18 months) and holds the fort for those 4 years

Excellent update OP. Just remember, every time he says 'I can't do X because career' just remind him that you have a career too. Why shouldn't you both be brilliant PT consultants, instead of him being a consultant, while you waste your potential and run round picking up everything else?

Because that's the real road to equality. Making men equally responsible for domestic stuff whether it be childcare, housework, elderly care or whatever.

Then we're less likely to be in the situation where the people in charge (usually men) have the whole 'stuff that needs doing at home' completely off their radar, because it all happens by magic without any involvement from them at all.

Just posting to say good for you for realising your partner needs to step up. He chose to have kids with an aspiring surgeon (not a SAHM) and he needs to do his share. And as PP has said - I bet he's not up at 4am asking for online advice about how he's gonna cope looking after his kids!