AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I promise I won't be lying on my death bed wishing I had spent more time changing nappies and arguing why one should eat their broccoli. Small children are hard work.

You won't be lying on your death bed wishing you had worked more.

But she and many of us could end up on our deathbed, or, worse, alone at home, wishing we hadn't given up work.

I'd certainly lose part of my identity as a person if I wasn't in my chosen career. Or if I didn't have a life independent of my child (who is now perfectly happy leading his own with minimal input from me considering his age).
I'd be smothering him.

You won't be lying on your death bed wishing you had worked more.

The people who say this are invariably people who are simply not work-focused, or don't do work they find meaningful or enjoyable.

Has your husband already completed his training? If so could he reduce his hours and take on more childcare so you can progress your career?

Most of the millions who feel guilty are female and most of the millions who don't are male and this is no coincidence

This is not a free choice arena. It's so heavily loaded with gendered expectations that you have to actively look and question them to see if especially if you, as the man, are the one benefitting from them

Tongue in cheek suggestion but how about this for a radical plan OP

You have another baby
You thereby get some time out
But you make DH do shared parental leave
That way you get to experience being the full time worker and him the full time parent for at least a few months
This results in reset expectations and then you both work 80%.

@Decentsalnotime but she doesn't want to give up her job. So why should she have to give hers up completely if he's not willing to compromise so that they can both work and do what they love? Isn't that what being a partnership is about?

I love my kids and get a lot of fulfilment spending time with them

But you know what I love my job too. I get a big high from making a tough diagnosis, getting a good treatment plan in place and making people better. I come home bouncing when I have a good day doing all that.

I am at least as good a Dr as any of the men I know and actually better than most of them ( some of them even admit it :) There is no reason why my patients and I should miss out on me using my skills because society says I have to be the main parent. I refuse to agree to that.

And All this 'you'll miss out, you can never get it back' I just don't really understand. My best times with my kids are just ongoing every day. Today DD and I went to get our hair cut and go shopping together as we both had a day off. I enjoyed that time with her just as much as anything we did when she was littler.
We talk about stuff that is actually interesting to us both now.

Friends who are SAHMs don't appear to have any closer relationship to their kids than I do with mine. I think we have plenty of quality time and some money to outsource the drudgery.

Any downside that I have ie guilty feelings, judgement from others is mostly a product of crap outdated stereotypes and expectations I reckon and I hope future generations won't have to put up with it and men and women can both be genuinely free to share work and parenting any way that suits them without gender coming into it.

I agree that he shouldn't be forced to work part-time, but he's been used to the OP doing just that.
I wonder how it works out if the OP goes full time too. Will he still feel that the children are getting enough from their parents?
They need to find a compromise that makes them both happy enough. And this may include him reducing his hours too.

It would not have been a good idea if why mother would have 'given it all up for children'. She has a vocation, a fulfilling and interesting career. She would have been a bored, unfulfilled and frustrated housewife.

@Decentsalnotime but OP loves her job, but is finding the prospect of going full time in order to complete this part of her career challenging. DH might well do his share at home (which of course he should), but is seemingly happier for OP to quit completely rather than discuss how an increase in hours for her and a potential decrease in hours for him would be more manageable for the family unit as a whole; because he doesn't wish his career trajectory to be affected. Do you not see how that's not exactly fair?

I posted upthread
Saying I had no regrets about giving up

Something has occurred to me. All the comments about the DH Going part time.

I find this unfair. He is willing to commute a long way. The OP says he is very actively involved in family life .

If he thinks the children are ok but is prepared to be flexible and make compromises to support the OP if she thinks otherwise - why should he be forced to go part time because the OP feels guilty?

As long as he’s prepared to support the OP in her decision, then fine, which he is.

But the OP feels guilty. He doesn’t. Millions do like the OP. Millions don’t like him. No right or wrong

I'm not a doctor but my son was in nursery full time from 3 months old. He also stayed at after school club from day one in reception. Don't beat yourself up about it. He's a very confident 14 year old now.

I'm late to this thread, and glad to see that you have a plan that will allow you to continue in your job. I just wanted to tell you it will get easier. My DH is military, so any consistency for the children has to come from me as he goes away. That has made progression in my own career really hard. I have sacrificed seniority somewhat, mainly because I can't travel at the drop of a hat. I have worked for the same company for 10 years now in a managerial role, and by sticking with them (even when I used to cry on the way to work because I was so tired when DH was away and I was coping with 2 little kids on my own). Now the kids are both in school, I have negotiated a very flexible working arrangement and all the tears and exhaustion were worth it.

It's so so tough for women. I feel for you being so conflicted.

I also gave up a big career (thou not medicine) when my eldest was a year old.

While they were young, I never ever regretted it. I still don't regret that part.

However, they are now teenagers, and as others have said, they do need you far less. I'll never get back to my old career, I do work now but am massively over qualified for what I do.

So although I am glad that I was around for my children when they were young, I do have pangs that my old career is lost.

Shit for us isn't it?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Medicine is a vocation for most people. The OP has probably been working for this since before she selected her GCSE options. Shocked that there are people suggesting she give that up!

Honestly I would give it up.

You won't be lying on your death bed wishing you had worked more.

the early years are so precious.

Is it not as precious when they're older?

Give it all up for the children. Being a mum is a great and rewarding job. A friend poured all her time into her business for the kids. She is now divorced and the kids scattered between parents and grandparents. You can never get the time back and the early years are so precious.

The alternative is to outsource all the work and reading so that you just get to do the nice bits in the evening and weekend