AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

What a ridiculous comment 'Do you want strangers raising your children?'. A well loved nanny, childminder etc is not a 'stranger'. No one says 'Do you want strangers teaching your children at school?'.

I was a SAHM for many years - but if you compare my DS (now 19) with his friends - you can't tell who had a SAHM or a mum who worked outside the home - he and all his mates are confident, articulate young men making their way in life whether that be University, first job or an apprenticeship. I am sure he doesn't even remember or care that I sat through so many utterly tedious years of school performances and Nativity plays. .

OP - I am glad you have some plans in place to continue your career.

Do you want strangers raising your children? If they are away from you10+ hours per day, you have already chosen this. It would be better to take some time off until both children are older. If you don't have family to help, this is not sustainable.

I would give up the job, as I did it, it is so tough to decide what's best for your family.

I looked at it that I would always regret not being there for them more than being there. But ultimately it all depends on you and your priorities, no one can tell you what will be best for you but my experience is being at home makes me truly happy and is best for our family.

I was not maternal but it was by far the best decision I ever made, we have a great time and I just adore spending all that time with him. We are hardly ever in the house through the day as we go for days out, I'm still close to my friends so see them when I want and do any research or studies of an evening.

Op really glad you have spoken up about your concerns. I hope you are able to find a path forward.

Good luck, and if it's any comfort little kids don't really have great memories but they still know who's mum!

I just asked my kids (now secondary age) if they wished I didn't work and was at home with them more when they were smaller.

DD said 'nah not really. What would we have done for money then?' Mercenary teen

DS said 'obviously I wish you were around all day to hug (charmer that he is) but actually I liked after school club a lot of the time'

To be fair they sometimes did complain at the time about going to clubs and me not always being there for assemblies etc but they don't appear to remember it now. I always compensated with really good birthday parties (which made them popular with peers), days out and holidays which they do remember. Swings and roundabouts I reckon

@Bravefarts gprecruitment.hee.nhs.uk/choose-gp/retrain/Dr-Chris-Lutterodt

Here is an ST3 in core surgery, his experience counted towards GP training. Only cuts training from 3 to 2.5, but it’s still something.

I agree it is about being overwhelmed.

I also wish I had put it in perspective.

I worked huge hours but I was compensated.

The cleaner where I worked were on minimum wage and working ridiculously long hours to make it work.

I wouldn't quit, I'd find a better nanny, I think you'll regret it long term.

Also a fellow big job mum and I now have teen DS, I used childcare and suffered the mum guilt but you know what I'm now in a position of earning so well, being able to step back as I have employees and spend time with them as teens, I obviously loved them to bits from birth but my career choice has allowed us as a family to really enjoy time now they are older, they are totally ok with me and that I worked so hard, we travel together and really enjoy the family time.

It's just the stage of being overwhelmed and I understand that.

The post from hazelbite really resonates.

I went full time parent and have been for four years.

One of my children really needs me.

My dc is super super super challenging and takes me completely for granted so it is completely unrewarding.

My husband works the most ridiculous hours 7 days a week.

My husband has not had a pay rise in 4 years.

All my savings are gone.

Although I know I am doing the right thing by my child has all sorts of undiagnosed behaviour issues and we can't afford any private help and we don't have wider family and he isn't bad enough for anything on the nhs.

I also end up with all the housework - and all the maintenance and I don't get much sleep just like when I was working long hours. It is quite a big thing where everything is down to you in terms of a house and your children. Everything apart from the wage your Dh brings in and all his unpaid overtime is ridiculous.

If I were you I would hang in there and I am glad you are.

It is a very small world being a sahm and especially small during covid.

I also get to look after other children for free all the time because I am a nice person and I am around. No one tend to reciprocate the favour. I have given up now any school volunteering ( the pfa truly suck anyhow).

As soon as I can get my dc in a better place I will be going back to work and I also realise it will not be at the level and amount of money I was earning previously.

Also think about all the activities or schooling you can afford if you are both working. Things always get more expensive.

Best of luck.

SO happy to read the OP’s update.

OP you have worked most of your life for this and you love your job. Your patients are lucky to have you. As so many pps have said the childcare issues are joint ones and it’s great you now see this. It’s entirely fair that your DH should step up while you need him to. You can both then go full steam ahead when the DCs are older.

I’m in a similar-ish position (another lawyer, not dr) with a DH in a different but demanding career. DS is only 2 and I’m about to go on mat leave with our second and fully prepared for the tough years ahead. But having taken mat leave I know that being a SAHM is not for me, and it’s so much better for my children if I’m happy, fulfilled, can devote the time I have to be fully present with them (rather than regretting it and doing housework) and have the money to give us all a comfortable life (though also in London and by no means luxury!).

Plus, can your husband really not ltft in his current role? I'm struggling to think of any role where it's impossible? I bet a woman has or could ltft it.

OP, I've read your update. Sorry, I responded to the posts that appear to be under the misconception you can just change from surgery to GP with little retraining, and that GP is "family friendly" (common thinking. Not particularly true, especially for GP partners)

Reading your update, I'm glad you're realising your equal status. He made those kids. He's a medic dad, it's time he acted like one, applied for LTFT, and yes, took on the home for four years while you crack on a bit. What did he think having kids would be like? It involves lots of parenting. Your career matters as much as his. If he wants to pay a nanny to do his bit, he can, but make sure he takes on the mental load of that, etc.

Your kids will be proud of what you do. Your husband should be proud to support your career.

There are surgeon mums. They're good mums. Connect with them. There's more to life than picking up dirty socks.

@Theld

I am at least as good a Dr as any of the men I know and actually better than most of them ( some of them even admit it smile There is no reason why my patients and I should miss out on me using my skills because society says I have to be the main parent. I refuse to agree to that.

Yes! So much this. When you read articles about gender issues in design (crash worthiness for example) and other issues, one which often crops up is diagnosis of women. We desperately need more women in roles that address these issues, for all our sakes.

Sounds like yet another case of the man’s career being prioritised. What happens if you break up and have given up your career. It will get easier just stick with it and get your husband to properly research flex potential in his role

@doctormumoftwo great update, well done for taking everything on board and good luck with everything. Am sure you’ll nail it!

I gave up work and I'm glad I did. I commend mums who manage, but I couldn't. I was stressed and knackered. Not good for family life and I hated feeling like that so I got off the treadmill. Once DCs had been at secondary school for a couple of years, I raised back into work. I'm glad I took time out with them, childhood flies by.

*TheId

Tongue in cheek suggestion but how about this for a radical plan OP

You have another baby
You thereby get some time out
But you make DH do shared parental leave
That way you get to experience being the full time worker and him the full time parent for at least a few months
This results in reset expectations and then you both work 80%*

I know you said you're being tongue in cheek but OP this is pretty much what made my OH and I reassess things. He took some shared leave and returned at 80% as ST6 in a surgical job. I'm so glad to read your updates and that you're starting to put a plan together. I think the 2 of you getting on the same page about what you want from the future will be so important too.

Oh, OP. I feel so for you.

It is so, so hard and there’s no right answer.

I wouldn’t give up work while you don’t like your housing situation - you’ll just get so depressed.

Could you move? Somewhere bigger with a large garden and better local school? That might help overall.

Is there an area of medicine you could move sideways in to, then return to surgery and exams etc when both DC are in school?

You’ll never get these years back with them, but equally if you give up your career you’ll regret it later.

If there’s an option to just keep your medical licence and do some bank shifts (if that’s a thing for doctors), I’d do that for a couple of years. But for the love of God don’t quit completely- you’d regret it when they’re older.

GP training is needed to learn to be a GP. Surgery training teaches you to be a surgeon. Of course she'd need to do GP training.

GPs often work 12 hour days, this can be difficult around a family.

Another poster mentioned psychiatry, that can be family friendly, but, again, compete retrain, really.

Path can be good for surgeons who wish to have nicer hours.

But really, OP needs to get out of this idea that hubby's career is more important. Is it bollocks. He can apply to be LTFT.

@doctormumoftwo does the training that you have done already not count towards GP training ?

I’m a mature student - hopefully starting F1 next year and I plan to pursue family medicine because I feel like most other specialities are not conducive to a decent work life balance and you have more choice in terms of location. TBH when talking frankly to senior colleagues they agree if that’s what you want( work life balance), it’s the best choice.

Hope you find a solution and for what it’s worth I don’t think you should give up! I’m sure your children will be thankful to have such an brilliant role model.

Hi OP, I’m really pleased you’ve decided to carry on and that you’ve had such supportive advice on here. I read your OP and was going to post that I think you should carry on but see what support might be available. I’m not in medicine but in law which I think has some parallels and it is just so hard.

This isn’t useful advice but I just wanted you to know that I had a friend at primary school whose mum was an obstetrician. Whilst my friend was definitely aware that her mum wasn’t around as much as our mums were (this was the early 90s), she was just so incredibly proud of her mummy. Not in an obnoxious way - in a really sweet way. Her mum also gave a talk to our class once about her job and we were all in absolute awe of her.

I know that’s not useful advice but you shouldn’t see it as your career vs your children. Try and see it more as your career for your children.

Right my love.
I don't know how to PM but if you do maybe you could PM me if you feel I could help you.

Without being too outing I have been there and am now out the other side.
And I now do a session for the deanery to help trainees exactly like you.

1. what resources does your local deanery have for LTFT trainees - check the website and see as there's been alot of money in this recently.
2. also check the deanery for general support such as resilience training, coaching and mentoring, trainee support groups and networks etc.
3. surgery is a whole different ballgame - especially for women and I know there are support networks set up by other female trainees and recently qualified consultants to try to tackle some of the issues they struggled with. See if you can access this (Facebook/ other trainees / other trainees in different deaneries)
4. if there is absolutely no provision in your deanery for LTFT trainee support ask if you can access the RTW support because there's alot of cross over. There should be a LTFT champion an if not then a RTW champion.
5. I am happy to do distance mentoring with you if this helps.

Not to put pressure on you but to help you find the support to make the right decision for you now and you in the future.
Xx

And well done, OP. Delighted you are going to persevere. Very best wishes for the rest of your training.

I am so glad to read that you are not going to give up OP. It would such a waste. Raising children should be a shared responsibility not simply left to women to juggle both career and children's needs.

I'm so pleased to read your update OP. There is so much support and as someone currently in a new, demanding full time job, it really is encouraging to see how others have come out the other side (and also tips for making it easier)