AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Are you planning to go back eventually or be SAHM for the rest of your working life? If the former how easy will it be to keep your skills and knowledge up to date?

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Wow. Don't you love yourself? Do you value yourself? It seems you have low aspirations.

I'm late to the party but giving up your career is utter madness. It sets a great example to children to have both parents working and why should you give up everything you have worked for while your husbands career remains fully intact?

This is why I'm never having children, it's almost always the woman who has to make the sacrifices.

a little part time job

Ooh, ooh I know what we can do! Stop educating our girls and train them to be submissive housebots. Save a load of time and money. Sorted.

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. I too am a jd. I am in a medical specialty with 2 kids (4 and 1) and I know surgical training is a whole other kettle of fish but what about an oope? Something like a PhD or md until the kids are in school? Might give you a bit of breathing space and you wouldn't be quitting completely.

Best of luck whatever you decide. It's hard being a working mama. Also are you on the Facebook group for ltft trainees? You can get a lot of helpful information and advice on there x

Hope you do get to fulfill your potential OP. I accidentally gave up my career to look after my own children, and although I don't regret spending time with them, I regularly wake up in the small hours wondering what the hell I've done now that they're almost in secondary school and I'm facing down 50. I suffered from PND and commuting to do freelance work seemed impossible at the time - looking back, I think I could have found a way if I'd prioritised my own needs more.

A couple of years ago I met an old aquantance at a wedding. She asked what I'd been doing with my "planet sized brain" and when I said "the laundry" she thought I was joking. I wasn't. 4 years on and I'm still doing the bloody laundry. I'm ready to go back to work now, but the job market has shifted dramatically and my skills are out of date. Leaving work to look after children is a trap. Don't fall into it unless you're sure you're happy not to get back out again!

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Go part-time by all means but never rely on one single income. Divorce, illness and death happen. I know of least 4 women who've been widowed with school aged (or younger) children.
Widowed parents benefit used to be a thing until the children hit 18, now you only get it for 18 months from the point of death.

Op please don't give up your career and chance to earn decent money.

One thing that always baffles me about similar threads is that so many people seem to have totally cost-free children and households. People don't mention money as a consideration at all, maybe in a dismissive 'we are not materialistic' way.

Is money really unnecessary? Because my children certainly seem to need some spent on them. Thanks to my income, they can have a nice home and garden in a nice safe area. All the hobbies, courses and tutors they want or need. When we decided local school was not a good fit, we could choose to move to a better catchment or go private. They can go to whichever uni they want, they can have help with their first homes, etc etc. Is that..a bad thing?

Your poor mum, TraderJoe!

I agree with @Trader. Another issue is the resentment many mothers feel when they feel forced to give up a life they loved for the kids. This has happened to me in the last 6 months and I am already acting like a martyr to the cause and my kids are already rolling their eyes. When you give too much everyone becomes resentful. I'm going to give a little less now

All those commenting on deathbed regrets PLEASE go and read my post from yesterday. My mum is not on her deathbed, but boy does she have regrets!

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

Can you imagine a man EVER being given this piece of advice. Maybe it should be the other way around and as his wife is also a Doctor HE can be the one to “have a little part time job in a shop or something”. I am not sure whether I am more sad or more angry that people still think like this.

You’ll end up feeling resentful at your husband unless he goes part time too. However, If he doesn’t go part time And you leave the profession then you will have to live with your decision and can you do that? I know I couldn’t. I’m currently completing my return to practice as an AHP as I couldn’t bear to think of the waste of my education and I suspect that once your kids are older you’ll start to feel the same plus you’ll resent your husband. I suggest both going part time, going OOP for a year or moving speciality (I’d suggest ophthalmology as a good one as they seem to be crying out) I work in PGME right now so know about it.

Good to see you have decided to stay on OP. Some great advice here from fellow medics, noticeable that the people who know most about it are supporting you to carry on your career...

As far as the deathbed thing is concerned, I think it’s pretty normal for people to regret the road not taken, whatever that was.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother in the last weeks of her life. She returned again and again to memories of her service during the war, how well she’d done in her exams and the fact that her superior officer had told her she’d be a “damned fool” to waste her excellent brain by quitting work to marry and have babies. My grandmother would always laugh sadly and say “she was probably right”.

When she died, her son hadn’t visited her in two years because he was too focused on his own career and hobbies, whilst her relationship with her other child (my mother) was difficult. Faults on both sides, definitely. But it always broke my heart that my mother would belittle my grandmother’s intelligence behind her back, making out that she was a “bimbo” who couldn’t keep up with my brilliant grandfather who wrote books.

Despite the fact that my grandmother was the parent who was there for the kids while my grandfather worked away for a month at a time, my mother admits that she only remembers the 1 per cent of the time that her dad was there when she was sick, because he was more “special”.

For balance, I should say that I willingly took a massive step down in my professional life when DD was born. That was the right choice for me because I was in career burn-out, had realised that I was never going to make it to the top of my profession and needed time to re-think my options. So I’m not saying there’s only one right answer.

But yes, it’s definitely possible to end your life with bitter regrets over wasted potential.

I gave up a serious career when my marriage broke down, so I could fulfil my role as parent properly (we 50:50 4 days on 4 days off).

Didn't give up working, just my ambitions and career trajectory. Did something that was interesting and fitted in with my main job of being a parent.

Zero regrets

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

OP is a doctor too. Her DH should maybe have the little part time job for pin money?

Even as teens mine appreciate me being around

It is possible to have a career and still be around. Us working mothers are allowed to visit our homes occasionally.

Not particularly helpful, but a close relative and her DH are both consultants. They have three children, born fairly close together. They have been completely dedicated to their careers. The children are very close to their parents, polite and well balanced. They are proud of their parents. Please keep going. It's so worth it in the end. My only suggestion would be to get larger accommodation. A small flat sounds horrific. More space will make for a more pleasant job for a nanny.

I'm so glad to see that you've decided to stay on!!

Also, may I recommend a book I read when I was struggling with the same questions. It's an American author but the advice translates well:

www.amazon.com/Feminine-Mistake-Are-Giving-Much/dp/1401309380/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+feminine+mistake+are+we+giving+up+too+much+by+leslie+bennetts&sprefix=the+feminine+mista&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1599613933&sr=8-1

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

Christ, @MadeFrom100percentPears that's got to be the most profoundly depressing thing I've read on here for a while. "A little part time job in a shop", so you can support your Very Important Husband? Good grief, get yourself back to 1952.

OP, I am do heartened to see so many people advising you to stay at work. This is the toughest time, building your career when the kids are so young. I had my first when I was in law school (in the US) and it was brutal. But I'm so glad I stuck it out. Already my kids (three of them) are growing up and becoming more independent. I can't imagine what I'd do to occupy myself if I'd thrown in the towel.

Get terrific (yes, expensive) care - even if you think it'll break you. It will be worth it!

If it's any consolation I can't actually remember anything before the age of about four and I have only a few scattered hazy, possibly fake memories of anything before the age of 7. The good memories I have are not necessarily the "making memories" domestic SAHM bliss kind you'd expect your child to remember either, they are much more random than that.

Nothing further to add except
GO GO GO, OP!!
All the sympathy and best of luck whatever you do, especially with those exams.
Even if you aren't with them 24/7 now, your children will still come to visit you when you are doting in the lovely garden of your posh care home at the age of about 102 and the care workers will say to the new staff, "She was a consultant surgeon you know".

OP thrilled for you. Every time you falter go back to this thread and see the chorus of people who supported you. I was one earlier on. I used to work in medical education on the non-clinical side and really the consultants had a much more relaxed and flexible time, so it's possible once you get there.

I also ended up as a SAHM for many years because we had an imbalance in earning power. It also meant we had an imbalance of relationship. It's a real problem and is pretty widespread. It only improved when I retrained for a different job. The man doesn't have to be an absolute shit to behave differently when he has the 'important' job. Even if you became a GP you might find that you're expected to do all the compromising: working part time, swapping last minute shifts, missing out on extra training etc.

If you can grit your teeth and get through the next few years it will be so much easier. And you'll have taught your husband that you expect and deserve an equal relationship. It's really not that much of a sacrifice for him to spend a bit of time working part time. I had to go and see a consultant recently and she explained how her husband (a consultant surgeon) was looking after the children at home while she worked in PP. I thought that was brilliant.

I’m glad I read the thread and saw you are realizing that your DH can handle the same
Career hit you have taken. It’s really important that both parents make career sacrifices instead of letting everything fall to one.