AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Such a great update Op, thank you for posting . I’m sure it will encourage other mums in your situation.

Really powerful to hear from someone who was so despairing at one point but found a way through. Cheers to you!

Well done OP - what a brilliant update! The profession will be stronger for having kind, compassionate people like you who have grappled with these tough feelings. I am SO GLAD you stuck with it. I’m proud of you and I don’t even know you

Also remember, you are not alone. There are others out there in similar positions. Try and attend the well-being study days if your college holds any or if your trust holds any. Attend conferences/other study days (if you can. I found it very difficult) but you will meet people and you will be encouraged/get tips and ideas that could be helpful.

@Shuttersky , if medicine is really what you want to do, don't give up.
It took me 16yrs to CCT (OOPC included). Paediatrician not surgery.
It does get better. It really does. Training is like a huge elephant, my advice is :-

1. Don't give up
2. One day at a time... eat the elephant one bite at a time
3. Do not compare your journey to others
4. Be kind to yourself (flexi-training, OOPC breaks)
5. Remember, this time too will pass.

@doctormumoftwo Thank you so much for posting this update. It was me who posted, but I worried I’d opened a can of worms and asked for my message to be deleted!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this thread over the past year or so - often also at 4am when consumed by guilt and indecision! I relate so strongly to your original post. I’m a hospital doctor, though not a surgeon, married to another doctor. My children are younger than yours were even in the original post. I’m really struggling to see how we will ever make it work without one of us (me) calling it quits.

Reading your positive update has made me well up. I’m so thrilled that you and your husband have made things work. I hope we can do the same - though still feel like it will be impossible.

@doctormumoftwo , really great to read your update.
I have often thought of you. I commented on your thread but i think under a different username.
Fellow NHS doctor here. I was a trainee too when I read your message. Even though I was married, I got no support from H at the time.

DA worsened into DV, marriage ended, food bank, SS, court and police came into DC & I's lives. It was a hellish time.
I also almost gave up training - multiple times. But each time I was encouraged to not quit.

I also took time out and eventually went flexi-training.

I am now a consultant -part time- due to childcare needs.
But things are better. I am glad i did not quit especially as I am all that DC have.

Junior Doctor Training is very hard. But it is a fulfilling career. It feels good to be able to contribute to society and to be of help.

Really lovely to read your update. Good luck with the remaining years.

@doctormumoftwo
What a brilliant update. I'm so glad that you are feeling happier. It sounds like there has been a huge improvement.
The exams are so brutal, even if you aren't actively revising they are always in your mind. I can't imagine how happy you were when you passed your last one.

As a fellow dr (physician not surgeon), I am so glad to hear this. Best of luck with the final part of training.

What a great update @doctormumoftwo and well done for keeping going! You won't regret it as the children get older.

Thanks for the update @doctormumoftwo . It’s brilliant what you and your DH have achieved as a team.
It shouldn’t be that hard for so long but it is and I totally understand why others in your profession end up choosing a different path.

That's such a positive update. I'm so pleased for you!

Thanks for the update @doctormumoftwo. You are doing an excellent job. Sounds like your DH is too. He doesn't see the need to go part time because he sees you doing a stellar job of juggling. But he's wrong, he does need to go part time when he can, and your kids do need one parent to be there some of the time, even with a nanny. And it's his turn. That's what it means having kids! You deserve the 100% timetable for a while to get the thing done. Good luck with nanny, I know this is what is going to turn your life around so put all your energy into getting that just right (easier said than done I know!). On my opinion, gardens are overrated.... Get a nanny who takes them to the park every day, they prefer that anyway!!! Good luck!!

here is my perspective having been a child with a mum who's a doctor - growing up child care was outsourced to friends / sahm which we didn't mind as kids, i can't remember finding that a problem. What I DO remember is the pride I felt seeing my mums practice, all the medical tools and her being in charge. Both myself as well as sisters are in big jobs we love now and I think it is linked to my DM being this role model.

Why should the OP work around her husband's shifts? Why shouldn't he work around her to o enable her to finish her training. She is just as important, why relegate her to supporting act?

Hi, I’m an ODP so totally get what you are talking about. My husband was in training up until recently and has now got a consultant post which has allowed me to reduce my hours for childcare. We moved from a small flat in London and now have a house with a garden, husband still commutes to London. It does get easier as children get older, I promise. Just please please don’t give up on what you have already achieved, I know how hard you have already worked! Could you not do part time, keeping in your weekends/nights/on calls working around your husbands shifts?? I know that out of hours will be more beneficial for your training. Good luck and stick at it!!

If your finishing work by 6 Mon to Fri I wouldn't worry about it. You only have one life and you have to live no regrets. Your husband doesn't have to give up his career so why should you?
If you want to be a full time mum then do it but not out of guilt. You will regret it.

@TheNavigator and @Caelano, I couldn’t agree more with you both

@KatharinaRosalie interesting point... I guess one advantage of shorter ML was that although it was damn hard work returning to work with a 12 week old bf baby, at least it meant the two of us both getting stuck in to all the practicalities early on. Dh and I made sure we shared drop off and pick ups at the childminder, and tbh i didn’t feel out of the loop returning to the workplace... it was more like some extended annual leave rather than Switching to a totally different way of life for a year.

my point is that if women don’t take advantage of what’s available to them now, which are far better maternity rights Than ever before, when will we ever see a shift in attitudes?

When the rights become parental rights, with a part of it 'use it or lose it' for dads. It's so easy to become the 'default parent' when you're home for a year and have figured out all your baby's needs by trial and error. Meanwhile the new dad has progressed in his career unencumbered and simply 'can't' take time off or work flexibly, even though surprisingly, women doing the exact same job seem to be able to.