My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

You're undoubtedly grieving OP.

For the loss of your daughter more than anything most likely, which is a completely understandable and natural reaction.

Whether they de-transition or not to have the name you lovingly chose out rejected must have been hard to hear. But all you can do is support/encourage and quietly grieve alone.

However hard this is on you it must be even harder on your child. As a family, you'll all pull through together. Could you choose a new name together so that way you feel you have had an input?

I felt like this about my name and tried on a couple of others for size until I was about mid-twenties and my dad married someone with my original name (although, she'd actually changed HER name to it). Suddenly I felt possessive with it.
She's just figuring herself out like all teens, don't make it an issue to avoid her digging her feet in.

Why not suggest she uses her current name as a middle name so she has some connection with it still and possibility to use it again. And hard as it is, support her name change and love her/him whatever she decides, although changing it just now while she's unsure isn't the best time. If she's wavering but totally determined to change it she could change it to a unisex name, with her middle name?

When I was 15/16 I felt I didn't fit in. I didn't want to dress in a sexually provocative way, as my peers did, I only wanted to be friends with boys who felt 'safe' (either gay or very nerdy), I would go to pubs because that was what you did back then and feel that the whole experience was a horrible meat market. It made me wonder if I was a lesbian. I feel quite sure that had transgender been a thing then, I would have decided to be a boy too, if only to be able to wear comfortable, non-revealing clothes and not be subjected to both male and female scrutiny for somehow not being what I thought it had to mean to be a girl. When I got to university and met more clever, interesting, diverse young women, and started reading more widely, I realised that what I was wasn't a lesbian, but a feminist. I wonder if these (often very thoughtful) young girls who are identifying in their droves as boys are quite correctly rejecting the prevailing culture which turns young girls into sexual objects, but misidentifying why they reject it? If I were OP I would do nothing, say nothing, be supportive, use preferred name and pronoun etc, extract a promise of no surgery before at least 21 and wait for DD to blossom and hopefully work out for herself that she doesn't really want to be a boy.

There’s also a salutary lesson in here for those who haunt the baby name boards!

OP, a friend of mine was in this exact situation, down to the mass "transition" of a peer group. It was misery. My friend has sought a geographical solution and it has worked a charm. Happy family has returned. The sacrifice has absolutely been worth it. If I ever find myself in this position, I will most definitely do the same.

“Like someone has died?!”
Oh my goodness- someone swapping gender isn’t anything like losing a child.
They are still essentially them.

I can tell you, from actual experience, that they’re not measurable on the same scale.

Really, not even remotely comparable.

It's obvious why it's much clearer to use sex-based pronouns in this sort of discussion and there is nothing to suggest OP is anything but supportive and respectful to her DD IRL, but you have decided to be rude to an OP who is clearly struggling and came here for support?

#bekind

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

It's not clear from the posts which are the correct pronouns to use, and its an anonymous thread.

Nobody on this thread has the power to affirm or deny anyones innate identity, regardless of which pronouns they use.

Properly?

I think it’s quite disgusting that you can’t use his pronouns properly.

It was when they said they'd never go back to their birth name even if they detransitioned that I started to feel the loss.

I can absolutely understand your hurt, because it seems like a rejection of her old self - and you love all of her, including her old self.

However, even if she chooses a different name (and many people become known by a nick name when they leave home), as she matures its likely that she will become less attached to labels and more able to accept every part of herself, because this is a natural part of growing up.

I changed my name 20 years ago and my mother still goes on about it, refuses to use my name and tells me how betrayed she feels about me abandoning the name she chose for me so specially. I understand you put a lot of love into the name you chose for your child but ultimately it's up to them whether they like it and use it.
With regards to all their friends coming out it might be that they've gravitated towards each other as kindred spirits rather than some sort of 'fashion statement' ( so much transphobia on this thread). I have a sibling who's trans and nearly all of their secondary school friends fall somewhere on the LGBTQA+ spectrum. They naturally found each other and stuck together because they knew they would get support and understanding. It may be that in future years your son decides he isn't trans but if that does happen you have to accept the name that they choose.

*Wait, she and all her friends have come out as trans boys?
Are you sure she's not doing this because all her friends are?

It's statistically proven that this is what happens.*

Yes, I've learned that today. I didn't know when I posted this.

I completely understand why this is hard for you.
I also wouldn’t be overly surprised if this isn’t for life - your child might decide they are non-binary, or they might fully transition, or they might realise they identify as female.
You will be told a lot of very strong things by lots of people on here, because for some reason that seems to be the done thing at the moment with regards to this topic. I think the danger is with allowing young people to undertake medical transitioning, especially if they do not have dysphoria.

Ultimately, YANBU for being upset about your child changing their name and identity - I can’t imagine that’s easy for anyone.

I think all you can do is just quietly support them whilst also not committing to anything medical - if lots of friends are doing it too then honestly it is unlikely they will all commit to it for life.
I have quite a few friends who are trans, some I thought it was a phase and now they’re fully medically transitioning with surgery after years of living as their preferred gender. Likewise I have another friend who has changed their pronouns several times over the years. I also have friends who use they/them pronouns and haven’t transitioned medically but prefer to present in a more gender fluid way. Questioning your gender identity doesn’t mean that that is a solid transition for life.

I don’t think there’s any easy way through this for you, but you sound like you’re really trying your best which is all anyone can ask.

Ah Elephants I thought of posting that too. Sweet Honey in the Rock sing it as a song, which always makes me cry because it is so true, and so painful to realise!

Can't you just say "that's nice" and leave them to it?

No one is under any obligation to like their name. My middle name is revolting.

May it'll be changed, maybe it won't, but you can't do anything about it so just be nice, be supportive, focus on the good things in life. You can't control everything. You can only control two things - your thoughts and your actions. Let everything else go.

So what you’re saying is that parents should just assuage to whatever their teenage children say

No, I'm saying that telling them you're not going to drive them into town if they don't stop moaning about the things that are important to them but you deem silly might help the parent in that moment but isn't going to help the child in the long run.

We're talking about a teenager's name here - obviously they won't be able to change it without parental consent until they're an adult, so it's within the parent's right to refuse consent. But to dismiss their feelings about their own name as silly nonsense and remind them that you're in control seems inappropriate when it's obviously such an important issue to the child.

“ I do think our job as parents is to sometimes say, in the nicest possible way, “that’s fucking batshit, don’t be so bloody silly and get on with your maths homework or I won’t run you into town later”

The problem is that as countless examples show, this approach often just forces children into secrecy.

As your children become older you have less and less control over what they do. You don't have to agree with them, but you can't tell a 15 year old what to believe or how to feel.

Yes, I do secretly feel it was "my job" to bestow names on my children!

Idk if this helps but I have changed my names. No gender complications; I just didn't like it. What I have done is retained one of my names but discarded the remainder. So, I still have at least one of the names my parents chose.

If your child's first name is gender-neutral or can be flexed into a masculine version would they be amenable to retaining it as a middle name eg Taylor or Erik/Erica? Or, if it's a family or heritage name, would they be amenable to including a name from that heritage? I think you'd have to give your child a stronger reason than, "I just liked it," though! Maybe more... you were named for beloved great-aunt Roberta or I gave you a Latina name because I'm proud of my heritage. Otherwise, they have zero reasons to feel overly attached to a name they didn't choose.

But, really, while YANBU to feel upset that your name choice has been discarded, YABU if you feel you control your child's identity for the rest of their lifetime. It's just a name. They're still the same person. x