My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

'My two oldest DCs have noticed an alarming trend among their friends to suddenly announce they're bi, when they're clearly not. They're afraid of being seen as homophobic and hostile to peers who aren't straight if they don't claim to be bi for some reason. Madness.'

Which has got to do with the OPs original question how exactly?

And also, I call bullcrap on that, no-one is claiming to be bi to avoid seeming homophobic. They just aren't. To not be homophobic you just have to, well, not be a homophobe. Just as you can not be racist by no saying or doing anything racist.

Oh @Riv! unmumsnetty hugs to you x

I'd be wondering why the entire female peer group came out as trans tbh OP!

My friends kid insists on being called Catboy. She has a beautiful name but insists she's Catboy. she may grow out of that may not. It sounds like your being a good supportive mum. Feel free to feel your feelings while encouraging the child you love them regardless ❤️

People bandy about words like 'vitriol' far too easily and seemingly without any understanding of what it means.

There is a huge connection between teenagers with ASD who search out transition

ASD isn't a mental health issue, but I absolutely agree that many neurodivergent people do develop mental health issues around identity through struggling to conform to neurotypical societal expectations, especially if they don't fully appreciate all the facets of their divergence (which is something that young people develop gradually over time as they mature and gain life experience, if they're lucky).

These expectations are inextricably linked with societal gender expectations, so it's natural that a young person feeling somehow at odds with the world and seeking answers to "what's wrong with me" might mistakenly interpret gender oppression as something everyone else appears to be absolutely fine with while they find it intolerable, leading them to conclude the problem must be with them and their gender identity.

@canyoucallbacklater If your stats are correct it would appear many have MH issues.
There is a huge connection between teenagers with ASD who search out transition.

realise the consequences of the vitriol that you spew.

my god, the hyperbole - i know cult members struggle with reality but really?

somewhere on the LGBTQA+ spectrum.

It's possible to understand why people should find companionship with fellow 'outsiders', while also questioning why increasing numbers of teenage girls have come to the conclusion that their problems could be solved if they changed their bodies.

Jesus Christ, some of the anti-trans comments on here are staggering.

Please do report any such posts to MNHQ and they will delete them.

Perhaps so many have suicidal thoughts because of the mental illness which causes them to think they are in fact the opposite sex. The truly kind option would be psychiatric treatment to address those issues rather than telling them that , tes they are in the wrong body and should have surgery to remove body parts.

That is tough OP. I think it's isn't only the name change but the whole identity especially if you feel they're unsure of what they truly want.
My DD is nearly 12 she is non binary while reading more and more on transsexual she's also on the spectrum with some MH issues.
I believe she's a lost soul so to speak she's highly aware she is different to her peers so searching out the reason and seems to have found it in non binary teenagers on youtube.
It is very complex I find it difficult to refer to DD as they.
Your not one I'll be shot here for saying I believe it is a MH issue.
I don't share this DD I listen to all her stories ACT supportive

Regardless, 45% of transgender adults will attempt suicide. 90% will consider it.

Why those statistics are not very reliable:

fullfact.org/health/young-trans-people/

Samaritans on responsible reporting of suicide:

media.samaritans.org/documents/Samaritans_Media_Guidelines_UK_Apr17_Final_web.pdf

canyoucallbacklater please think before you define any group according to their likelihood of committing suicide.

She’s transitioning because her friends are? She sounds completely lost on what it is she actually wants. If she doesn’t know what she wants then that’s fine, but don’t just do what others are doing because of it!!

I’d be gutted about the name change too, hopefully it won’t actually come to it, sounds like she is doing/saying things for a shock factor only.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I am in the same position and it hurts like hell.
I get that it's their life, their choice and the rational part of me completely agrees with this view.
All of my principals say I have no right to object, no right to feel bad, that I should be totally supportive. I hope I am IRL and that they have no idea how I really feel.
I feel I have let them down, I also feel betrayed and unbelievably depressed about it. I should be over it, it happened 5 years ago, but I still hurt more than I thought possible. It unreasonable of me, it's irrational... but I still feel ...

Yabu. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if me DC changed their names. It’s just a name.

OP, both your feelings and DC's feelings are valid. It's good you support her/his choices but also honestly process your feelings. I believe you are not just grieving the name but the daughter you had. Go through that process then celebrate the son you earn.
It's not fair I think to make you feel you should feel no loss. It reminds me of women whose husband's come out as gay and everyone celebrates that but the wife's feelings if they feel loss of a husband and a relationship they assumed is supposed to be non existent. I don't think the two processes are necessarily exclusive

Then I started Sociology A-Level at the local college and for some reason, ended up spilling this all out to my tutor. He directed me towards feminist literature and bingo! It all made sense - I was simply rejecting societal expectations.

@canyoucallbacklater this is not about trans. It’s about a whole group of teens deciding they are boys. Which is ridiculous. And also ridiculous that parents and schools are supposed to indulge this nonsense.

OP, I think you're doing an amazing job and I wish I'd had a mum like you!

I can’t help but thing that a parent telling the child a couple of years ago (when they were younger - as a PP said, the older they get, the more independent they are) that changing gender/name/what have you was a bloody stupid idea and not possible might have avoided the older child being in a situation where they don’t know whether they are coming or going but have publically put themselves in a position (asking people to change names/pronouns) that’s very difficult to climb down from, and also involves going considerably against the social grain of their circle. Easier to have that conversation with a 12 year old than a 15 year old.

But what's the point in saying "changing your name is bloody stupid and not possible"? It is possible and it's not stupid to a person who is uncomfortable with their name.

Most 12 year olds can google 'how do I change my name?' so finding out their parent is lying isn't great for the parent/child relationship, IMO.

YANBU to be upset. You're entitled to have emotions.

Mine may not be the response you're looking for or one which will go down well with others but if your daughter were my child I'd continue to use the name she was given at birth.

This is how it is with my own children, despite that their friends all refer to them by shortened versions. (If I'd wanted my children to be referred to by shortened names I'd have named them the shortened goddamn version!).

Irrespective of the name game, I feel, as a pp has said, that the bigger by far worry is the claim to be trans.

Jesus Christ, some of the anti-trans comments on here are staggering.

'About 54 percent of participants experienced a low amount of family rejection, about 31 percent experienced a moderate amount of rejection and about 14 percent experienced a high amount of rejection.

About 42 percent of participants reported attempting suicide at some point in their lives, and about 26 percent reported abusing drugs or alcohol.

People who faced a moderate amount of family rejection were about twice as likely to report attempting suicide than those with a low amount of family rejection. Those who experienced a high amount of family rejection were over three times as likely to report a suicide attempt.'

That is a direct quote taken from an independent study of the relationship between LGBT suicide rates and family rejection.

Regardless, 45% of transgender adults will attempt suicide. 90% will consider it.

Half of a minority will try and kill themselves because they hate themselves that much.

Half of them.

You may not agree with it, you may not respect it, but realise the consequences of the vitriol that you spew.

I changed my name as an older teen and have never regretted it. I am now 39. I fully support anyone changing their name, and am happy for my own children to do so. My dad said he wouldn't use my new name so I just ignored him. He soon started using it! lf your child doesn't feel that their name suits them, it is brave of them to change it. I am proud of myself for doing so, as I did get some criticism at the time. You don't really have any choice but to accept it. It doesn't really matter does it? It is still the same person.