My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

No advice but I’d feel upset too.
What a weird old time our kids are living in.

I wonder if her insistence that she is not going back to her old name is a way of saving face if she decides that she isn't trans after all - a kind of "see, I was right all along, I do have issues with my identity".

Knowing how stubborn teens I really worry about this aspect of the apparent contagious nature of transition - it will be so hard for so many of them to change direction and some will end up being swept along and get deeper and deeper into transition despite their misgivings.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable to feel sadness and grief. Your feelings are valid and it’s totally ok to feel how you feel - no one can or should police your emotions.

What matters is what you do with those feelings, and it sounds like you are remaining a lovely supportive mum despite experiencing grief. Which is perfectly possible - those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

My childhood best friend changed her name when she was old enough. She isn’t trans, she just always hated the name she had been given. Her mum was really hurt at first but they’re all used to it now and it’s fine.

I know your situation is more complicated but I expect that the main thing that will help is time to get used to the change.

Hi there OP
We are going through the same thing DD came out as non-binary yesterday and declared their new name. Immediately expecting us to drop the old one change their name on the school register. They had been using their new name in school for 6 months. We are totally accepting of their gender identity and sexual orientation, however the name change is causing us grief and upset. As parents a name is the first gift you give to your child. The middle name is taken from their grandmother. We absolutely respect their rights to change their name. However, it is impossible to ignore the feelings raised by the expectation if an immediate change without any conversation or discussion. It feels like a rejection of that first gift, a rejection of us. It feels, probably unfairly, like a selfish expectation for us to immediately drop the name by which we have loved and nurtured her for 15 years.

What I'm getting from this is the OP's daughter is currently in a place where she's struggling with her identity and trying to figure out who she is. Which is totally normal in teenagers - I bet most of the posters here making scornful noises about how self indulgent it all is did something to assert their own identity at that age, whether it was adopting a new name, or getting a tattoo, or whatever. One of my friends changed her name to 'Ever', which was short for 'ever anticipating all death' or something very OTT and mad and goth (she doesn't use 'Ever' anymore).

In the case of this generation there is a load of experimentation with gender. In the vast majority of cases, it is just experimentation and she'll not want hormones or surgery and I really think the best thing to do in that case is treat it like you would any other teenage experimenting.

Having said that, if what she comes out of this with is feeling like she doesn't want to be a 'girlie girl', and maybe wants a more gender neutral name, then that's also OK, and I think OP should focus on supporting her daughter finding a positive sense of self and not trying to make her feel bad for not being the child the OP imagined.

I changed my name when I was 15
Hated my name
My mum was so sad.
Which i (now) get.
But i didnt wanna be called that dreadful name anymore as it wasnt ME. It was something she and my dad picked out when i was a mere bundle of cells.

20 years later and she still calls me by my birthname. it makes me wanna scream.

You are not U for feeling sad
But you should respect her wishes. She might come around again perhaps. Or she might not. But she is still your kid. Nothing about that will change. I feel it is more important for you DD to feel loved and happy. Then for you to not feel sad about a name..

"Just as an aside, it was quite funny to see DC's last progress report from school. Different teachers using a mix of she, he and they (sometimes swapping mid-sentence). I understand that it's a lot to keep up with, especially when many students are changing names and genders all at once.

To add to it, DC continues to present as very feminine. No one is not confused, least of all DC. "

Hi OP, I'm a teacher and it's a nightmare to keep up with, especially if you are gender-critical as I am. Sadly the pupils who are most serious about being trans, and who get the most angry and aggressive if they are mid-gendered, and the autistic ones, often with a traumatic history. (Not saying this is the case with your DC at all btw).

I hope she accepts her essential female-ness soon, even if she does keep her name change. People change their names for many reasons; it's not a rejection of you.

@Prettybluepigeons at which point in my comment was I disrespectful to the OP? I understand how she feels and sympathize with her. In her own posts she stated that her child uses male pronouns and that she fully supports and respects him. So I'm not sure how I am being self-centered by having some empathy for both the OP and her child.

You're not being unreasonable.

Giving a name is very personal and very special.
I'd be upset too.

it wont be a great leveller-

the poor in third world countries will be affected the most, - and women and children will be disproportionately expected.
the good news is that nowadays those women will be able to identify out of their oppression.

There's always something bigger to worry about. Doesn't mean people can't still be upset about the 'little' things - they are big to the people whose lives are affected.

I agree with @TomPinch. We have a pandemic, Brexit and the biggest one of all: climate change.

Soon it won't matter if you are a boy, girl or cat. It will be a great leveller when the planet has enough of the human infestation.

It's not trivial, it's things that mean so much people haven't been OK to say it until the world is burning all around them.

A name is such a personal thing. But I can't agree it's really upsetting to the parent because it's personal to them, so a child rejecting the name is rejecting what you've bestowed on them. I had a very small family, and between my parents and my twin sister only one of us used their first name (my dad). I was born in 1960, and for some weird reason my parents christened us with a first name they never used, so we've always used the second name. However, for official things, eg banks, passport, driving licence, etc, I use my first plus second name, because that was the name on my birth certificate. My mum hated anybody finding out her real first name, so why did her twins have first names that they never used? [Her's was unusual, ours were boring.]

When our son was born we had a list of about five names for him/her (didn't know, until he arrived, the sex). He ended up being in the ICU unit for several days. I had a very difficult birth - once I was able to vist him and saw ?[surname] on his cot, I immediately decided on the name, because that was who he was. Since then he's shifted the name, but it's his name; his choice. It was a very normal name, we'd not decided on anything unusual; but he decided to officially have the short version. I did try and guilt-trip him but, as usual, he won the argument.

& tbh, there are more important issues, poverty & climate change for example.

Society is fiddling with the politics of small differences while the world starts to burn.

DD seems happy, and there's no sign that she thinks she's a boy, but I'm keeping an increasingly close eye on it all.

riv

💐

Riv, hullabaloo and other parents going through this.

@Riv you seem like a very loving Mum. Please be kind to yourself.

And and 🤗 for you as well @hullabaloo68

Elephants, you sound like a lovely, kind, supportive and understanding mum. All the best to you and your family.

@ElephantsAlltheWayDown and @SummerSummerSummertime Thank you. I don’t want to derail the thread but I am grateful for your hugs. I’ve never told anyone IRL and actually expected a flaming (as I believe I deserve it).

I really feel for you OP I'm in a very similar situation your feelings are as valid as your child's. It is a sort of grieving process which I've found does get easier with time.