My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

I'd be so upset if my DD did this so I don't think YABU at all. My sister changed her name from a really lovely, classic name to a really unusual "trendy" one. Family all still call her by her birth name and she's said she doesn't have a problem with that. It's a bit strange though.

Oh OP, I really get how you must feel.

You're not being unreasonable to feel that way, you are probably going through a bit of a grieving process. It's hard because when we have children, when we name them, it's so deeply associated with our hopes for them and our entire idea of what it means to have a child. But then they are their own person, and we have to accept that that might be different from our hopes for them.

Thought you might like this poem.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
 For they have their own thoughts.
 You may house their bodies but not their souls,
 For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
 You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
 For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
 You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
 The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
 Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
 For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

No feeling is unreasonable. If you feel grief stricken, go with it. Feel the grief and then you can start to move through it.

Agree @BountyIsUnderrated

THIS THREAD IS NEARLY A YEAR OLD

@Malthus123 you might want to start your own thread or at least tag the OP in if you are asking her to update or whatever @ElephantsAlltheWayDown

I really worry when people on the baby name forum put so much weight on finding the One True And Perfect Name for their child. Because you are always naming another autonomous person, who can choose to do whatever they want with their name later. Many people, without going through legal name change, prefer to be known by something that isn't on their birth certificate - a shortened form, a nickname, a middle name or whatever. I think it's important for parents to sit loosely to their name choices - they aren't naming a pet or a doll, but an actual human being, who you are raising to be an independent adult.

So I understand why this feels very emotional in this particular situation, but I do think you need to let go of the feelings around the name, and focus on your ongoing relationship with your child.

Why do you have to go along with this? In my culture it’s perfectly common for example for parents to have a name for their child which is totally different to what the kids are known as by everyone else. Pet name vs proper name, mums family name vs dads family name etc.

Assuming male pronouns is pretty transphobic, really.

And you don't know that OPs DC isn't happy with sex-based pronouns either.

This trend is becoming more and more like a cult as time goes on.
If someone doesn't identify with their peers then they will be an outcast so of course they would join in.
Obviously teens are confused so they are going to be more suspectable.
I really find it hard to believe that a whole group of friends is suddenly trans..

but it affects your DD so much more than it affects you

Its not a competition.

I completely understand how OP feels. A name is not just noun, its not just a neutral descriptor. Its part of who the person is and that works for those who refer to others by the name, as well as those who have that name. I would be gutted if one of my children changed their name. The new name just would not feel like them.

The name being bound up with their identity is just as powerful for the mother as the child. The mother needs understanding at this time too.

There are a lot of issues here. Try to deal with the trans issue low key. The more attention you give it the more it will become an big issue. I read once that motherhood is a succession of griefs, everything changes all the time. Then there's the griefs for the things you hoped for from them and you will never have, like grandchildren. Try to find the grace within yourself to accept change. Your, and your children's lives, will be easier. But take a firm line with sex. She always will be a female. Any more drastic changes should wait till she's adult, into her 20s. Your job is to hold the line. Easier in this country than elsewhere.

I changed my name spelling at that age... oddly enough I later learned that my eldest sibling had done the same.

Pronouns are so tricky. My cousins child is a transgender man. He didn't change until he was in his 20s so for his entire childhood he was a girl. When we talk about him I normally remember him/he but when we reminisce about all the cousins when they were little, it seems odd to say him/he because he was still a girl back then. I also once referred to her raising 3 girls only to be corrected and told she raised 2 girls and a boy. It's all very tricky

This is standard teen girl nonsense. I also renamed myself when I was 15 to something I felt suited me better (obviously without all the trans/pronoun crap as that didn't exist when I was young). I never changed anything officially and after a year or two I just sort of forgot about it. I have used my official birth name ever since. Hang in there!

My DS has told me he might be trans and a girl's name he likes but that is as far as it has gone. His friendship group are all girls. 2 are trans boys and the other identifies as lesbian or bi (I'm not sure which). While I have told him I will support him and love him whatever and there is no embarrassment in his feelings I have also gently talked about how being feminine/masculine has nothing to do with being a boy or girl. I do find it surprising how there are 2 trans, I possible trans and a gay DC in his group of 4. How much of this is peer pressure or teen rebellion?

I have a friend who rejected her birth name - partly because of her relationship with her parents and partly because she'd been through a traumatic time and wanted to dissociate herself from that part of her life.

Several years later, she reverted back - mostly because she'd had a child by then and it changed her own understanding of her relationship with her parents and she was at peace with the trauma of that other part of her life.

She's changed her mind about two big things twice already already. That's not throwing shade, that's just acknowledging that she is in a state of flux and struggling to find her identity. It's hard for young people nowadays with so much choice but conversely so much pressure to conform.

I would stay quiet about this. It's hurtful but she is as likely to change back on this as she is on anything else. If she doesn't then you will know it's really important to her and will be glad you didn't make a fuss.

Be proud that you have such a good relationship with her that she is able to discuss these difficult topics with you. She clearly loves you and trusts you. That's much more important than a name.

Sirvix has said it all much better than I could. She may yet revert to her birth name. It has to come from her though .Perhaps after the years of teenage omniscience have passed.

Well, you can't control how you feel. But I don't think you can expect your children to keep their original names just because you gave these to them. Many non-trans people choose to use a first name other than that which they were given: often a middle name or nickname, but sometimes a completely new name.

@Malthus123 if you want advice on your own situation it would be better to start a new thread as people are only going to answer the OP here.

zombie thread!

yabu, but as has been said, gentle yabu. Would you expect your child to like a food/hobby/book/hairstyle because you do? Its their life, their self image not yours. You haven't lost anything real, just the dream you had...so be a bit sorry but celebrate the wonderful child you have and move on