My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

2020 THREAD! OP IS LONG GONE.

Similar Issue here. My dc asked me to help them choose a new name and we spent ages on it before they chose a name I hated. I struggle to use the name because of that where as the pronouns etc is fine.

OP said the name was "unusual, but not 'out there'". I think you might be projecting.
Also, ZOMBIE THREAD.

I mean, you said it yourself. You are being incredibly self centred. This isn’t about you.

This is just the direct consequence of lumbering your child with a weird “unique” name. It’s like marmite - your child themselves might not like it and it may even cause them issues socially and professionally. Life’s too short to be stuck with a name you hate, even if your mum thinks it’s perfect

I changed my name and honestly wish I did it sooner. A massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my self esteem has improved massively. I used to hate seeing my name on emails or social media and feel anxious introducing myself to people, as my name was so bloody weird and it conjured up a reputation that didn’t suit my identity

i think there's a lot of people who don't particularly like their names.. myself included.

The only people who use it are my blood family, everyone else uses the nickname i chose for myself, which fits the persona i made for myself.

I'll never legally change it, but socially, i'm not my name, and haven't been for a few years.

I think it’s a usual teen thing with the name. They are taking ownership of their body so push at what is theirs, but they didn’t choose.

Your feelings are your feelings and could never be unreasonable! What you do about them is another thing entirely.

Your child has rejected the beautiful, particular name you chose so lovingly and that's going to hurt. I'd figuratively lay the name by, wrapped in tissue paper for when she wants to reclaim it, as I expect she will.

Adolescence is a time of turmoil and struggle, never more so than today, and especially for girls. Just keep on loving and listening, watching and waiting, and don't let your hurt get into a competition with your child's. She's out there in a storm and you are her anchor, whatever she may say.

You sound like a great parent.

It’s an old thread btw. The OP is likely long gone.

A girl that now identifies as a male. The OP is using the pronouns from birth.

YANBU to feel how you feel but you need to tread very carefully with your child.

I changed my first name at a solicitors when I was 29.
My Mother still refuses to use my 'new name' and I am now 53.
(I changed it because it reminded me of an abusive childhood & my Mother lied on my birth cert about my surname so really cant complain)

I have told both my children that if they wish to use a different name that is just fine by me. It's a very personal thing.

In your shoes OP I would use the name your child has chosen for the moment. They may change it back in time or stick with it, who knows?

Completely understand. The names we give our children are a gift from us to them and changing their name would feel like a rejection.

I think it’s normal to feel upset. I had a good friend at school who changed her name (no transitioning, just didn’t like her name), and it took me a good while to get used to it. I still feel a twinge even now 20 years later when I go to message her in my phone and have to search under her “new” name rather than her old one!

For me it’s the positive associations with the old name that I feel have now been lost, even though she’s exactly the same person.

Strange we would put so much value on a name but I guess it’s partly to do with how our brains are wired to make links between things.

But at the end of the day it’s her life and she needs to be happy with who she is. Good luck OP I’m sure your chilled approach will give the best outcome all round.

I changed my name as a teen too. Aged 12 I wouldn't speak to anyone unless they used my new one and then changed it be deed poll aged 18. (Found out later you can do at 16 which annoyed me.) I've never regretted it.
I would be upset if one of my DC changed their names, although overall I think I'd be more concerned about what they were changing it to and checking it wasn't too awful. Ultimately if you say your DC is called X people will assume you chose X so wouldn't want X to be something embarrassing :).

YANBU. I can see why you'd be hurt and your feelings are valid. I won't assume to know as I don't know your DD but it may be a peer pressure sort of thing rather than a gender identity thing as you've said the whole peer group is doing it as well. Just know that by her rejecting her name it doesn't mean she us rejecting you. It sounds like she's trying on some new things and seeing how it makes her feel. She may decide to detransition at some point, maybe not. The best thing you can do is to keep on showing her love.

As PP I changed my name at 18.

It shouldnt have even been a suprise as I went by the nickname of the name I changed it too for a decade before it was officially changed

Basically my birth name Jessica was picked just because it was the top name at the time, my 'pet name' was Jessie Cat like from postman pat and over time I ended up going by just 'Cat' for 10 years then offically changed name to Catrina because no one ever called me Jessica and I never liked it or even responded to it - cue sudden outrage from people who had called me Cat all my life lol.

People STILL got offended even though nothing changed they would still be calling me Cat except suddenly many got passive aggressive about it and started only refering to me as 'Jessica' when they never had before, its still the same 15 years later.

Honestly it just makes them look stupid and immature and I just ignore them or if others are around and they are clearly attempting to talk to me I point out 'you must be confused because my names Catrina'.

It made me think worse of a lot of people honestly, I really saw how petty they could be over something that had no baring on their life at all.

It’s not about you
It’s about him ,his life his name
You don’t own him ,he’s not your possession.
Don’t drive him away .
I speak from experience

I think it’s just fashionable to say you’re non binary or trans without genuinely feeling that way. I don’t think many people are genuinely trans, it’s just a bandwagon people are jumping on right now. When I was at school everyone wanted to be bisexual, that was cool for some reason.

Lots of people don’t like the name they were given at birth. You should be grateful that you have a child that is able to talk to you about these things. It’s not a personal attack on you.

Ah

Zombie thread ?

You should never feel guilty about your feelings OP

Your feelings are valid, also you can’t help how you feel

It’s actions where you have a choice, and as long as you support her, that’s what counts.

"Last year she came out as a trans boy (along with her entire female peer group"

Similar to what has happened at my friend's school. Her daughter 14 and several friends are now 'gender fluid' they sometimes say they are gay, then straight, then both, they identify as female then male and then neither. It is currently fashionable to change with the wind.

Someone seems to enjoy fucking up with emotional, hormonal children. If they were left to their own devices without pressure groups promoting their own agendas then they would work out what they are or are not in their own time.

And you don't know that OPs DC isn't happy with sex-based pronouns either.

I do actually because OP stated that in the thread. If you'd read it, you'd have seen that. You'd probably also have noticed that this thread is a year old.

Not going to comment on the trans thing, just the name change.
I think a lot of people get over invested when choosing their children's names, to be honest. No matter how carefully you choose it, how much you love it, how much it means to you, it is the child's name. You're choosing it on their behalf. If they don't like it when they're older, for whatever reason, then let it go and allow them to choose one they feel comfortable with.