My child has changed first name and I'm grieving

A rose is a rose by any other name?

I understand that is Shakespeare. Meaning doesn't matter what she calls herself, she is still lovely and still your daughter.

As for the rest, I would wait and see. Would never say this to their face but much of this I believe is due to teenage branching out and dare I say it attempts at rebellion against you, society, the Tories...

Wait and see.

gg

When my young adult child transitioned MtoF and changed her first name, it did sting. "Choosing her name was MY job" I cried (to my DH, not to her I hasten to add). Her name doesn't match her siblings any more. Although some of the letters are the same which makes it easier for those in the family who find the whole name change hard. But that was three years ago. And now ... its ok. Its not a name I would have chosen but her old name seems like a whole other person now, not the daughter that I have. And I would much rather have the daughter that I do, who feels happier in herself, with the name that she has chosen, than someone with the name I chose that found life unbearable.
So I understand the grieving. I've been there. And I think its good to recognise it. But I hope in time you will come to embrace whoever your child becomes and the name they have chosen. It does feel like a little rejection of you (it did for me) but its more about exploring who they are. And the fact they have shared this with you suggests they feel like you are a safe person who will love them no matter what. Which is something not all young people in turmoil have

But the OP doesn't mention anything about her daughter's preferred pronouns. She does however refer to her daughter as 'she'. So on what basis are you assuming you know the daughter's preferences?

you have been there for her through all this, you can continue to be strong op

It sounds like your DC is confused. You say transitioned as a group and is now not sure that was right for them?

Sometimes it's experimenting with finding who they are.

So the idea if your dc transitions back for them could be that they know going back to who they were also isn't someone they are comfortable with. That's no reflection of you that's how your dc feels.

So they'll be the gender or even non gender they find comfort in with a new name. It'll be who they are comfortable being.

I don't ever use my full name when introducing myself. It just reminds me of when I was a kid and it was constantly screamed at me for just breathing at time's.

Teenagers need to find their own path and identity.

Which, ironically, in this case, means going along with what most of her female peer group are also doing.

No real advice beyond keep loving them but massive hugs. This must be so hard.

Your feelings are valid and i can understand the hurt.

To be honest, I think I’d be so pleased they were stopping wanting to be the opposite sex I’d let them be called whatever they wanted!

My two oldest DCs have noticed an alarming trend among their friends to suddenly announce they're bi, when they're clearly not. They're afraid of being seen as homophobic and hostile to peers who aren't straight if they don't claim to be bi for some reason. Madness.

I've hated my name ever since I was a kid and started using a nickname when I was around 14. I've been using it for more than 20 years now, longer than I used the other one, and my family still doesn't take it seriously. I can see my mother's face sour every time she hears my "nickname". I understand why mother's take it personally but it affects your DD so much more than it affects you. So please respect her wishes and try to accept it.

Teenagers need to find their own path and identity. Which does mean rejecting their family. It's natural. Prior generations didn't have so many options so they focused on dress and music.

Then why would she specify that she was using the birth pronouns?

Precisely because of presumptuous posters like @SionnachRua who insist on assuming what the “correct” pronouns are.

I changed my name at 21. I'd never liked my birth name. Try to be understanding, a name is so important and you've got to like it.

In the kindest possible way, while I understand your hurt, our children have to inhabit their names, and if their names grate against them, they are allowed to take them off and don a name that's more comfortable.

It does sound to me as though you are still very invested in the ideas you had of your child from before you even met her/him/them. It is your dream, not theirs. Don't turn into Eleanor Rigby's parents. See your child as a person. Their person.

Isn’t it considered rude to assume someone’s pronouns these days? The OP said what her child’s birth pronouns were but didn’t say whether they’ve changed.

Then why would she specify that she was using the birth pronouns?

I would be much more concerned about the trans issue than the name change here.

If it reassures you at all, when I was a teenager I felt my name wasn’t “me” enough and looked into changing it by deed poll. No trans issues or anything remotely like that but by the time I was through all the teenage angst and taking things out on my parents, I realised I actually really liked my name and had no intention of changing it. A lot of my friends went through similar. So she may well go back to that name you love so much eventually...just give it time.

You've just reminded me of a girl at my secondary who did the same thing! It must be somewhat common. Was a bit confusing for a week or so but I remember she seemed much happier in herself when the name change was made.

Nope, I meant what I said. I always use the pronouns a person wishes me to use about them.

Do you know the OP’s DC, then?

Her name, her life etc, I think you meant. What with her being female and all.

Pretty sure you know exactly what the PP meant and you’re just trying to make a point.

Yabu but gentle yabu. His name, his life, his wishes, his dreams.

Isn’t it considered rude to assume someone’s pronouns these days? The OP said what her child’s birth pronouns were but didn’t say whether they’ve changed.

I can imagine this is really upsetting, a name is such a huge part of your identity...I think I'd be devastated if my dc changed their first names

I dont think yabu, your feelings are valid too. It's hard when our children make choices and take paths we never expected them too. In your shoes, I would try and support as much as possible and take my feelings out of it (easier said than done!) Who knows if this is a phase or a new way of life, but either way you will adjust.