To not like my own adult children?

My friend is constantly belittled and abused by her adult kids. One even ripped her off to the tune of £30k and yet like you she bent over backwards to make sure they went on all the trips, had lots of treats. She even cooked separate meals for each of them every night - and she had 7 kids! Did all the housework, turned out in the middle of the night to ferry them round. It's so unfair I could weep for her and cheerfully strangle them. I have no answer - except to put your foot down and walk away. Or at the very least stop them when they whine on and tell them to get out and stay out until they are able to be civil. And ask your dp to tell them a few home truths when they next kick off. Poor you - I hope you find happiness and manage to move on from these spoilt entitled brats

Yanbu

I have felt very similar about my ds, who at times has put us through absolute hell. He's permanently damaged my MH and is, at times absolutely horrible.

You've done the job of two parents for over twenty years, it's time to draw a line under the facilitation of these two and give them notice to move out.

The more you facilitate them the more they take. They will never learn responsibility for themselves and their behaviour and choices while you are there to prop them up.

Does their father suffer any MH/personality problems? Your kids sound as if they suffer from victim mentality. You'll never change that.

Be very thankful that you have photo journals as evidence of the real childhood they had.

OP, however hard you did try, you are also responsible for teaching them how to treat you, and how they can disrespect you.

You need to OWN this.

They sound like deeply unpleasant, entitled people, whom have treated you very poorly for a long time.

And yet you are there, continuing to support them, accept their abuse, handing over money.

Again, you really need to OWN your part in this if you want it to change.

Tell your son move out if he is abusive.
It's that simple.
He's an abusive man in your home.

Tell them both not to contact you again, until they are prepared to treat you with respect.

And mean it.

Stop apologising for their father...not your responsibility.

The alternative is you remain an emotional punching bag for them.

It is quite possible to love your children, but not like them, and be in Low Contact with them.

Its a part of life for some people.

But you have to OWN the fact that you have allowed them to treat you like shit for a decade....

Only you can now establish new boundaries in your relationship with them.

she likes to rewrite history, but she had a great childhood, she was even known as a 'rich bitch' among certain circles (not a term I like at all), but it gives you an idea of what she had.

This setiment comes up a lot, so may I just highlight here that having money and possessions does not necessarily equal a great childhood. Knowing that someone grew up rich wouldn't in any way indicate to me that they grew up happy.

All I'm saying is, they must have some kind of reason in their own minds at least

Friend of the family have this - it drug and mental health related.

They had to learn to put in firm boundaries in but do have a realtionship with their children - they do have to stop conversations and even walk away - and have always been there to pick peices up at a cost to their own health and well being - but they have to refused to be maninpuated and to be mental and at times physical punch bags.

It wasn't easy for them to do either - but they still have relationships with them.

My husband's sister is just like your DC's. She ran their poor mum ragged and according to my DH totally rewrote their childhood. His mum has passed away now but I always felt dreadfully sorry for her. Her daughter was so nasty to her and was only nice to her when she wanted something. My DH loved his mum to bits and has never forgiven his sister for making his mum's life so miserable. Poor woman gave her everything. My DH says he could not have had a kinder more loving mum - as I am sure you are.

I am so sorry that it is both your children. I don't think there is anything more for you to do other than get on with your life with your partner and leave them to it. No doubt they will reappear when they have children who need childcare. When that happens you should be prepared and not allow yourself to be used.

Good luck to you

@Roussette absolutely nailed it. Nothing to add.

I have a DD just like that OP; she likes to rewrite history, but she had a great childhood, she was even known as a 'rich bitch' among certain circles, (not a term I like at all), but it gives you an idea of what she had.
I am now raising her Daughter (no great hardship as I love her dearly) because of her addictions.
I love my DD dearly, but I am afraid that I don't like her very much

I'm coming at this from someone who had a pretty horrible childhood frankly. Won't go into details, but abusive and deprived sums it up. I have my issues. My job to fix them. I don't ask for anything from my mother, why the hell would I go to the person who caused most of them? Doesn't make sense to me.
I honestly think for all your sakes, cutting some space is a good idea. I know they're your children, but they're adults. They have to start adulting at some point, not expecting you to fix it.
As for liking your children, well, I've always known neither parent did. I still try to have some sort of relationship with my mother, but it's on my terms. I'll talk to her now and again, but that's it. You can choose your friends but not your family is a cliche for damn good reason.

I was a single mum of 2 who are now adults, and this post makes me really sad. I understand why people are saying to cut them out and I can understand why you would want to. But potentially losing your DC forever would be heart breaking for all of you. New partners are always quick to point out that DC are being "ungrateful" or "rude" etc. But you have to remember that their motivation is that they want a relationship with you, not your DC. It won't matter to your partner if you never see your DC again. So he isn't fully "unbiased". He may not be able to admit that, even to himself, but I have seen it time and time again.

I agree with minettechatouette and I think you should have an honest open talk with them. A good relationship with adult DC is worth way more than a man who may or may not stick around. I've learnt that lesson myself. I think if you give up on them, you will regret it one day. Maybe something like family counselling could help. I do understand that you feel at the end of your tether but do you want it to get to the stage where you have grandchildren you never see?

I wonder if this is a case of act like a doormat and get walked all over?

I wouldn't be lending money and if other family do that's their choice and nothing to do with you.

I'd also be thinking abount boundaries - I wouldn't hold with the woe is me talk - change subject, remind that what they had, walk away from conversation. I'd also call out disrespect and poor tone again walking away from conversations if necessary.

Moving away may well help with this - more distance emotionaly and physically.

You've done your time. Your sentence is over.

Tell your son that he has one more chance. The next disrespectful action or words towards you and he's out and his number is blocked. Same for your daughter. You owe them nothing more.

you can love someone but not like them. I wouldnt like someone who treated me in that way, relative or not. its even more hurtful actually that this attitude has come from people who are related to you.
I would stop lending them money and ignore them when they start being spiteful.
you exist outside of being their mother - you are a person with feelings and a life too.

I cringed when I read this as my mum was born in 72, my mum left our abusive dad(well my brothers dad - didn't know my own father) and my brother treats my mum similarly. doesnt treat my dad badly though (go figure) even though he was the one who wasnt there and mum did everything.
if it wasnt for the fact your dd is just as bad as ds (I adore my mum and fully appreciate everything she went through as a young single parent especially now I have a child of my own) this could of been my mum. the ages even match too (early 20s)
in my brothers case, hes actually never gotten over the fact he didnt have both parents growing up, my mum is the easiest target as dad just doesn't engage or care whereas mum gets visibly upset and tries to explain and hes got a massive chip on his shoulder and thinks the world owes him a favour.
its shit and there is no excuse for it - seems you're just an easy verbal punch bag and I think for your own wellbeing you need to distance from this before you have no self esteem yourself

I don't mean this in any accusatory way and I totally sympathise as this situation is one of my many fears as a single mother to a child who's father is much the same as you describe your DC's father to be;
However, I'd be interested to hear them try to explain why they call you such awful names...

I mean it's never ok to disrespect your mother, certainly not in such a vile way. Awful.
All I'm saying is, they must have some kind of reason in their own minds at least, (false or otherwise) for why they're calling you unhinged and mentally ill?

You poor thing. This is difficult to read.
Re. the different versions of the past, I think that this is pretty common tbh, and I think it takes a lot of compromise from both sides to arrive at a peaceful place. There are different versions of the truth that can all be completely correct. Tbh, my parent would say the same as you do about my childhood, and they'd be right in parts- but it would also be fair to say that it was, in many ways, very very difficult.

Unfortunately they are cut from the same cloth ad their father. Whether this is genetic or due to his influence or both, they are what they are.

Tome to stop looking after you. Your son is right about one thing though, his life rn is to some extent your fault. BUT: it is because you keep enabling him! You have set him up with 3 jobs he has lost? Because he is a shiftless sod. Tell him to slong his hook. I mean it. Boot his ass out. He'll soon keep a job when he no longer has his mammy to pay his bills.

You need to start taking care of you. It diesnt matter who people are to us, we shouldbt let them disrespect us.

I wouldn't bother with ultimatums. Ppl who disrespect you will continue to if you show any sign of weakness. And to them - compromise and second (or more) chances are weakness. Give him a deadline to be out by. Then change the locks if he isnt. No more babying them.

My sister, brother and I had a difficult and sometimes rocky relationship throughout our teens and twenties. We lost our dad when I was ten (I’m the eldest) and all experienced the fallout from that in different ways.

My brother is the youngest and went a bit off the rails. At my wedding four years ago he kicked off with me and mum and was generally a complete fucking dick, acting like a bratty teen rather than a 30 year old man. He was particularly vile about mum, blaming her for all his perceived wrongs. Then a few months later he and I had a massive row via email.

I told him a few home truths - that no-one owes him a relationship as an adult. We can’t choose our families as children, but we can choose who we spend time with as adults, and if he’s going to be an arsehole when we’re all together, why should we make the effort to see him? He had an attitude that he was owed a living and had been hard done by compared to my sister and especially me. It was all bollocks and I told him so - I’d managed to buy a house because I’d gone to university, worked hard and got a bloody job, all on my own steam, none of which he had done.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I didn’t hear much from him until last year, when he came to visit me, and was like a different person. He’s had therapy, got healthy and seems finally to have grown up.

All three of us are much more settled, happy and mature in our 30s, and have got over our differences and emotional baggage with respect to each other.

Point is, yours are barely out of their teens, they’ve got a lot of growing up to do. You don’t owe them a relationship as an adult. They might well come round in a few years and realise they’re being dicks and it’s not your fault.

Northernsoullover
..includes gems such as wearing holes with shoes in

Sorry but this made me laugh

OP it sounds like you have done your very best for your DC, if they can't appreciate that, time for you to now do something for you.;l

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad- but I was a single parent and am again, I have bipolar so am not always stable, I’ve tried the best I can for my ds (19 & 15), and I do know I get things wrong! There are many times I’ve apologised to both my boys for my behaviour and I can hand on heart say not once have they ever shouted at me, raised their voice, called me a name besides crazy when playing around.

Ds 15 actually said to me yesterday how lucky he was. He said I know you and dad split up, and you have bipolar and you aren’t working right now, but I have everything I could ask for. There’s always food here, you cook nice for food, we go on holidays, have days out and I go without nothing.

That’s a 15 year old speaking. If a child can have the benefit of seeing what he has, and appreciate it, then someone on their twenties really should be able too. Listen to your dp, he obviously finds himself in a difficult position, but he sounds like he cares about you. The kids are old enough to sort their own lives out, enjoy your future now.

Jesus. You sound lovely OP. So sorry you're going through this.

Tell them to bugger off and sort themselves out for a while.

This sounds awful. From what you have written you sound like a great Mum who tried really hard. What stood out for me was you saying you gave them time even though you worked FT. I have adult DCs and I think time is the most special commodity to give to children, not expensive stuff. You may well have over compensated in some way because they had no father there, but you come across as an ace Mum.

I think you are in a vicious circle with them. I doubt they'd treat their friends like they are treating you. Firstly stop giving them money, you having done that doesn't make them any nicer does it?

I think they have lost respect for you. You're just good old Mum, who can be shouted at, argued with, hit out at when they're in a bad mood, you're a puchbag for them to offload all their inadequacies on to.

I am certainly not going to criticise you, I haven't walked in your shoes, but you've sorted out three places for your son? Too much. He has not had to shoulder any responsibility on number 2 place or number 3 place, and if he abuses substances, that's his lookout. The buck stops with him. Not you. He is an adult.

No idea about your DD but I imagine it's similar. They have to make their own way in the world now.

I would wait until you feel strong enough, but you need to sit them down and tell them, you are going to speak for 15 minutes without interruption. Prepare what you are going to say in advance. Tell them how effing hard you worked to make it a happy childhood, tell them what you've told us on here. And tell them from now on, it all changes. You are not going to be shouted at, treated with disdain, sarky comments, nastiness, nothing. Ask them if they treat their friends like they treat you? Tell them that you have made a choice to be with a good man, and that they show him some respect too.

Then tell them, they are to go away and make a few plans as to what they are going to do with their lives when Covid lockdown is lifted. That you will support them all the way with research, help with practice interviews, advice but no cash handouts and the minute they are rude, any support stops. Oh and no more holidays, they can save for those from now on. Keep calm, do not go back on anything you say or you've lost the battle forever.

FWIW you sound a lovely person, and your OH sounds like a gem, hang on to him!

You're entitled to feel the way you do, OP. Reading your post was very sad.

What would be the worst that could happen if you DID move away with your DP? You'd be happy, you would have a supportive partner. Your child(ren) would have to take responsibility for their own lives and making themselves happy - and they would. They're selfish so you can be sure they'll look out for number 1.

It's time you did the same. Really, it is. Being their whipping boy is doing them no good, it's not helping them to develop personalities and responsibility for themselves. All it's doing is allowing them to treat you like rubbish and for you to think so little of yourself that you will allow them to do that.

Leaving now will give you (and them) the opportunity to develop a proper relationship that doesn't make you or them feel so hateful.

If this thread was about validating your escape plan then this is one vote in favour of it. Go! :)

But do protect your own assets...

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz has put it very well I think

I have teenage children and am a single mum so I get where you are coming from completely.
We are biologically programmed to nurture our children until they are adults. When they are adults it is up to them. They are responsible for playing the cards they have been dealt.
I think it’s absolutely fair now for you to put yourself and your partner first. You will always be there for them but only if there is courtesy and respect. If not then no go. This is the right thing for you to do now
For what it is worth it is extremely difficult to be a single mother in my view. My DS is incredibly disrespectful to me. From what I am told this is because he is troubled (he is) and is projecting onto me. I am trying hard to only react to his constant requests when he is polite to me (not easy). If he carries on like this he can go and live elsewhere when he is 18. No need for him to be like this. So go for it OP; it is time for you to look after yourself

It sounds like you’ve spoilt them OP and maybe tried to make up for being a lone parent with money/material things.
How are they ever going to stand on their own two feet when you constantly bail them out? What do you do when they hurl insults at you and pull apart your character? Next time it happens I would say something like “until you change your ways and treat me with the respect I deserve I don’t wish to see you or speak to you - I refuse to accept this behaviour any longer. I am your mother not an equal or contemporary”.

Then go NC. It’ll probably be hard (or maybe it’ll be a blessed relief!) but no, I don’t think you should feel guilty for blocking them. Maybe they will start to realise how good you actually are to them?

In your position, I'd probably say to them, if I'm such an under achiever, this is your time to take some self initiative, and create lives better than I have, part of that includes not rinsing your sad loser of a mother for money you somehow cannot scrape together.

Maybe it is time that i, the underachiever I am, to stop looking after more people than just myself, and enjoy the sad little life I've created, with the pittance I earn, as an underachiever. Surely being so much of a better person than me you should be able to support yourself, seeing as I did the Lionshare of bringing you up with no support from anyone else. If you really do require help, maybe it's time for your father to step in

As for your son. His low self esteem could well come from his dad choosing to not be in his life, so maybe he should be knocking on his door for him to pick up those pieces.

I actually did have an underprivileged childhood. I didnt have any of the luxury that you speak of having given your children, my parents didnt give a shit about me. I've got a lot of issues relating to my childhood, a huge amount of issues.

I never went to my parents and took anything from them, I removed myself from the situation and tried to heal myself never, ever would I voice my feelings about them or my childhood the way your son has. If he truly had concerns about his childhood, why would he be there with his hand out? Why would he be back under your roof? I got away from them as fast as I could. I will never, ever ask them for anything. Never.

Hes manipulating you because he knows that you'll always give him whatever he wants if he can twist it in the right way, he knows you'll give anything he asks for because you're reliable mum.

I cant get over the spite of your children.

Please, dont help them in future and give them limited access to your life until they grow up and stop acting like arseholes.