Ok I’m ready for a lot of criticism here and perhaps I deserve it, but am I being unreasonable to say I don’t actually like my kids very much, in fact barely at all now?
Without a doubt I loved them completely when they were born and vowed to bring them up the best I could. I became a single mother when they were very young (DD & DS). Their father had very little input either emotionally or financially despite my best efforts and I was always painted as the villain by his family for trying to get him to see them and get maintenance from him. Me, my DS & DD were a happy little band of three up until they became teenagers, when they began to disrespect me.
I have endured around a decade now of insults, abuse, nasty criticisms, disdain, disrespect etc. from both of them, they are now in their early 20’s. Son is at home again after losing third place I set him up in due to a number of issues. I am in considerable debt after helping them for so long and so often. DS blames me for his low self-esteem and total lack of motivation and substance abuse which I have focused all my energies on helping him with for many years, without success.
I feel desperately sad as I write this because it wasn’t supposed to be like this and I feel like crying, but it has reached the stage where I almost actively hate them for what they have done to me and the way they have turned out. No matter how friends and family reassure me, I still feel to blame. I was never perfect but I wasn’t that bloody bad! I feel sad then ashamed then guilty.
They talk about a ‘deprived childhood’ yet I have plenty of memories (and evidence!) of holidays abroad, cosy times together making dens, cooking together, trips away, often in an effort to detract from their useless father, I felt I was always trying to make up for his absence. I was definitely a full-on parent who went above and beyond despite working full-time. We always had home cooked meals, their favourite food, treats and above all, my time. Sometimes I think I must be going crazy and imagined their childhoods, if it wasn’t for the literally thousands of photographs and diaries I have recording all these events (they make very poignant reading now).
Finally after being single for all of their childhoods I tried OLD a couple of years ago and met a wonderful supportive partner. They hated this having got used to having me all to themselves for so long. It was my DP that eventually pointed out how totally disrespectful they were and how upset he got at the way they treated me but did not dare interfere. In the early days with him they would openly mock me in front of him only for them to say they were ‘joking’ if I challenged this. It was embarrassing and humiliating for me.
The type of words they will use to describe and send to me in messages have included ‘insane’ ‘mentally ill’ ‘weird’ unhinged’ ‘a poor achiever’ (ironic because I've done well in my job) I only seem to hear from them when they need something. My DP is getting increasingly frustrated I guess because he can see from an unbiased point of view. He often says what an amazing mum I’ve been and anyone would be lucky to have me, and how he fumes over the way they treat me. This in turn makes me feel totally inadequate and weak like I’ve let them down and now I'm letting him down. He has made efforts with them both but they have been quite disrespectful to him too.
It has reached the stage now where I feel like moving away with my DP if we could to escape the relentless depression they bring me. I am blamed for everything going wrong in their lives. They are both incredibly manipulative and often fall out with each other then make up and ostracise me. They will happily borrow large amounts of money because they ‘deserve’ a holiday then get cross about having to pay it back (either to me or other relatives).
I’ve put this on AIBU though would love some tips on how to cope from anyone who has been in the same situation, how to get stronger, I guess I’m asking AIBU in not liking them?