To have smacked my child

Gosh. That bite looks awful. Don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t have a biter. We talked about kind hands. I never used the word naughty because the opposite is good and non-descript. I used mean instead being the opposite of kind.

Dd hated the step as punishment but it did calm her down eventually. If your ds is jealous, maybe he needs a way to get out his frustration. Some cushions to punch / kick instead of his dsis? The article suggestion of role play is good.

Does your say sorry? My dd was rubbish at apologies for years. I didn’t force her as it’s counterproductive.

I agree with talking through emotions and think this is a better way to reach empathy. At the end of the days your ds is trying to communicate something or get his frustrations out and the best way is for him to redirect this.

As for the alone time, I think it’s a good idea. He’s not going to associate the walk with the biting. This is also why taking his stuff or screen time away isn’t effective at this age. Removing a prized possession (Never a comfort item) for 24 hours age 3 is a bit young imo and was more something I did wind dd when she reached school age. This was also immediate. Removing screen time or any kind of delayed gratification only works on far older kids (late primary plus) but research shows these children tend to spend a lot more time in front of the screen.

Honestly, I doubt he’ll remember. My mother allegedly hit me once when I was a child. I have no recollection of it at all. Everyone snaps at their children. Obviously slapping them as a result is bad but it’s not as bad as the kind of people that called their child stupid/useless etc. The take away here is that you need to get your anxiety under control to prevent something similar occurring.

It is not the end of the world, and no, you are not the scum of the earth at all.
Bringing up children isn't easy and it won't always be as you have imagined the "ideal". It was the spur of the moment and you lost it, your child won't remember.

Yes, ideally us parents wouldn't use physical violence but there is a whole world away from planned, regular beatings and a spur of the moment "don't do that". Your child knows the difference even at a very young age.

Stop the guilt and forgive yourself, you are fine. Try to think through what was the tipping point that made you snap and what you might have done differently, with hindsight. This will help you next time. All will be well.....

Tomorrow is another day. You sound like a great Mum.

We all know hitting someone smaller than you is wrong, that's a given. That said, there was no mark, so you didn't hit him hard and you didn't cause any damage. I'm guessing he cried because he got a fright more than the pain.

That bite looks awful, I'd be at the end of my rope as well.

You need to forgive yourself and move on.

And there is one for younger children here.
FWIW I don’t think smacking is a terrible thing but neither is it an effective discipline so I don’t recommend it but nor do I think it’s deplorable. Smacking in anger isn’t the same as reactionary smacking either and smacking certainly isn’t as harmful to many children as the emotional harm some other forms of “discipline” can cause creating long term shame and guilt.
Working on positive parenting and connecting with the older child will help him learn to use his emotional words and express himself while connecting with his sibling better too.

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/dos-and-donts-to-end-hitting-and-biting-for-good-part-1

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/dos-and-donts-to-end-hitting-and-biting-for-good-part-2?_gl=1398ffl_ga*YW1wLXlfanZPdGRfQmdJNlM0X2E4QnVBd0VoNEhWc2xObTJ1VnZXWmZ1ckZCR05IMW4tVkJIX2hCa0g1a2dQUERyWXM.

Smacking shouldn't be reactionary and that's why you are feeling guilty about it.

That said I have smacked my kids before. They can be really defiant.... So my DD1 looooved climbing!!! At about 1y few months. She used to climb out glass table and start dancing... tiled floor, stone kitchen counter next to table. If she fell she could very easily die. OP, I tried everything!!!! Several times!!!! I can guarantee you I will smack my kids (lightly in the hand, no red marks!!) before I will put them in a life/death situation. After smacking her maybe twice, she stopped doing it for good.

Never smack becayse YOU lost control. That is bad prenting. But I probably wouldn't have appreciated my children seriously biting each other.

When I was about 4, my younger brother of 2 bit me so hard on the back I still have the scar on my back (I'm 51).

My mother promptly hit him. He never bit anyone again...and has zero memory of it.

I then take him away from the situation and explain that biting is naughty and he mustn't do that.

I would try and concentrate on the emotional side rather than his behavior. Talk about how it affects the one year old insimple ways he can understand, talk about how it makes you feel when he does it and talk about how he feels, he's expressing some kind of frustration by biting the baby and he needs to learn the vocab to be able to express his emotions in a non-physically way.

My mum was a nursery teacher and also worked in a residential school for children with behavioural problems, and incredibly amazing at her job.

She did everything with us before it was even a thing. 1,2,3 magic, timeout spots for thinking (like a naughty spot but without the negative connotations). Trained in child protection, understood child psychology and all that.

But I can still remember a few times in childhood when she "lost it". And it was always to do with me and my brother fighting and it going too far.

It's hard. I'm not in any way damaged by it. Nor do I blame her (we were being utter shits).

We're all human and the fact you feel guilty (as I'm sure my mum did) means you're not the scum of the earth, or a disgrace etc.

And to the poster who said "you wouldn't hit someone if they were bigger than you"... IDK. I once watched my brother getting beat up by a guy when we were young teens. He was undoubtedly bigger than me. I've never been violent in my life but I turned violent surprisingly quickly when my loved one was being hurt.

Sometimes it's like instinct takes over, and I can understand that. I've never felt the need to hit my partner, but if I saw him hurting my children then yes, yes I would hit him if it would quickly make him stop. And then obviously call the police!

With a bite like that I'm not surprised you lost it

It's fine, op.

Tomorrow is another day

Do you hit your husband "in the heat of the moment"?

Would you be ok with him hitting you "in the heat of the moment"?

Yes if he attacked my child, and yes if I was attacking my child. OP was instinctively reacting to the baby getting hurt (having been repeatedly hurt).

OP I don't believe in smacking, I was smacked for 'bad' behavior as a child and it was damaging, but you apologised and explained straight away, and you are not using physical violence as a discipline routine. We are human we make mistakes but we can also learn from them and make reparation to the people we have wronged. Don't mentally beat yourself up and don't let others do it to you either.

Awful behaviour by the child

My mum bit me back when I bit her as a toddler. She said it was effective. I don't agree with her methodology.

Have you tried time out? Pp asked about the naughty step which is same thing. That is a punishment which works by removing the one thing kids love which is ATTENTION.

It's the only way at 3. Otherwise you are rewarding him for biting, by all the extra attention he's getting. Kids don't distinguish between positive and negative attention. That's why some kids end up playing up constantly for attention.

IABU to use the word kids, I know.

But seriously, it's more important to protect your 1yo than to flagellate yourself for 1 smack.

I've been there OP. With some kids no matter how much positive parenting and explaining and calmly getting down to their level and reiterating you do, it just doesn't seem to be working. There have been very occasional times I have reacted in the moment when they have been going through a long phase of dangerous or violent behaviour and I've reached the end of my tether or been fearful for their life. One was biting, one was smacking me/siblings across the face, and one was running into roads. My smacks felt instinctive, they weren't pre-meditated and I don't think I am, or other parents that have reacted to extreme behaviour once or very rarely are abusive. An instinctive smack is far from ideal but it is not the same as a beating and you don't need anyone to tell you how vile and abusive you are, which is how these posts usually go.

Honestly that bite mark is raw OP!

I know i'm turning things on its head, and it no way identical to your situation, but I was routinely assaulted by a sibling, and whilst I wasn't as young as your DD, I was still a child. My parents tried everything, the no's, taking away of toys etc. Nothing worked, eventually we all grew up, but I still remember thinking why my parents were allowing me to be abused in my own home. You were doing it to protect your other child.

You need to show your one-year-old you love him/her by stopping the violent attacks they’ve being subjected to across “many incidents.” You’re planning on coddling your child out of guilt when you should be addressing his intolerable behaviour.

Do you not realise that he will draw a link in his mind between the bite, the slap, and a nice walk in the park alone with mummy along with whatever treats you give him in order to ease your conscience? I don’t want to be harsh, I know you love your little boy and you feel bad, but you are practically training him to bite if you do this.

I disagree strongly with the advice that you needn’t worry about nursery as they will have seen it before. If my child came home from nursery with lumps gone out of him I would go absolutely fucking wild on the parents of the child involved. There is nothing tolerable about this. It’s bad enough that it’s happening in your own home but you’d have no right whatsoever to take a blasé attitude towards this happening to another child.

I think we are all capable of making this mistake. I would spend time working on strategies for not letting yourself get to that point again.

In our house, even adults go to time out. It’s not a punishment here. It’s when you need to go calm down so you walk away from the situation. I know you can’t just walk away from a 1 and 3 yo in the midst of a physical interaction, but you can scoop
Them up and plop them in whatever safe place you have in your home. Then go to your room, breathe, meditate, play room blast. Whatever it is you need to do.

He knows you love him, try to move on. You have apologised, child is fine. Stopping your younger child being bitten is the bigger issue.

I'm glad you've had some very fair and balanced reposnses here tonight OP.

Look after yourselves.

I did the same thing to my son, only once, when he bit me hard. You are not disgusting. It was reactionary. I felt awful for a long time. Right now, formulate a safe plan on what to do if this or similar happens again, forgive yourself and move on.

That bite mark is awful though. So you will need to stop him.

You can't ever do that again it damages children.

Its good you realise your reaction was wrong.

Children will push limits and boundaries. So there will be times when you will be annoyed with them.

Its good you realise and feel guilty.

Move on and think about how you will deal with situations like this in future.

Its parents who carry on making mistakes that are awful. Your not one of them.