To be annoyed at IVF comments

What a needlessly cruel comment... on a thread that hasn't moved in 5 years, did you really need to say anything, especially something designed to be deliberately hurtful to a person who has poured their heart out about the grief of their infertility.

Have a little empathy.

ivegottostaypositive, I am so, so sorry for what you went through. You are certainly a braver person than I, of that I'm sure. You're right that no one could ever say you hadn't tried everything. What is heartening is that you embraced life afterwards and I hope it's been good for you.

ivfgottostaypositive

I hope it all works out for you.

I do think there comes a point where you have to say “enough” for your own mental health, to allow you chance to grieve etc.

@lynda07

Thankyou although it took a while to reach that point though and only after nearly dying for the second time with a second ruptured ectopic. At the end of this I will have given it everything - emotionally physically hormonally and financially as well as nearly my life. My stomach looks like a battleground with all the ectopic surgery scars and it's a daily reminder of how much we fought. No one can say we didn't try and with that has come peace and a certain acceptance.

You sound far more sensible than most.

What are “most” people like then?

Op, there are always insensitive and thoughtless people around.
There isn't anything anyone can say to ease your pain.
Take care of yourself.

ivfgottostaypositive Tue 21-Apr-20 21:51:57
@peperethecat

We decided to do IVF so that we wouldn't wake up in 5 years time with regrets that there was something we could have tried and didn't or wondering "what if" for evermore. Yes we ll be paying these IVF loans off for years to come but if it doesn't work we will be at peace with that and will be able to move on without regrets x
.....
You sound far more sensible than most.

Of course I feel sorry for the op. My experience of infertility is my parents (I was adopted), who tried everything that was available at that time, before iVF, but were married 18.5 years before I was on the scene. During that time my mum did nothing - she didn't go to work and hardly mixed with anyone outside her immediate family except during WW2 when everyone had to do something and she 'hated' that; that was before my time but after having me she still mixed with virtually nobody apart from close rellies. What a waste, eh?

So many childless people manage to live useful lives and have fun too. I would like to think I would have been the same but of course we'll never know. One thing is certain, I would have carried on going to work and had promotions which I did when I was a mum, but more so.

@ivfgottostaypositive that's the reason why I couldn't have let go of the dream of having a baby myself through IVF before leaving that dream and moving on to the adoption process. I needed to know that I'd tried, otherwise I would have always wondered 'what if?'

You don't need a child to survive or be able to have a good quality of life.

This may be true for some but it’s very subjective and you can’t force people to feel this way.

@peperethecat
I'm sorry for your losses too

We decided to do IVF so that we wouldn't wake up in 5 years time with regrets that there was something we could have tried and didn't or wondering "what if" for evermore. Yes we ll be paying these IVF loans off for years to come but if it doesn't work we will be at peace with that and will be able to move on without regrets x

How close the polls are here, basically 55/45 in favour of NHS IVF funding, and this on a parents forum, has really depressed me.

And I expect 95% here had an NHS birth and pre/post natal care.

Once again, feeling isolated and alone.

You don't need a child to survive or be able to have a good quality of life.

Just because you don't doesn't mean other people don't.

*chronic pain

It certainly is the worst disease out there, imo. The most natural human function is to reproduce. That's what all living things are designed to do. Not to fulfill that primary function is the ultimate disease.

Total bollocks - I think having childhood cancer is pretty bad, or being deaflblind. There are diseases that leave people in chronic paid, immobile and unable to have ANY sort of joyful normal life. Infertile people can still see, have friends, be independent, get a job, do everything normally. You don't need a child to survive or be able to have a good quality of life.

Also, your comment implies that people who simply don't want children, are somehow defunct and faulty.

Yes you are right to be angry. I haven't read the comments on here but I can bet there's one or two mumsnet trolls on here. Please ignore them if there are.

My heart goes out to you. Although I didn't have IVF I have a condition which means a miscarriage is highly likely. I always knew about it because it's an inherited disorder. The mere fear of not having a baby terrified me.

I will happily contribute to a system that helps people like you. Keep your chin up. There will be a rainbow around the corner for you I can feel it x

80% of women in all age groups will conceive within 2 years naturally if they don’t have a health issue.

^*I met DH at 28. Was married and ttc by 29. And DH and I have never used contraception in our 30 year marriage. So I’m certainly not one of that 80%.

All this talk of age related infertility feels like victim blaming.*^

I feel the same. My DH and I never used contraception. We got married when I was 33 and we TTC right from the start but without any success. We did IUI twice and IVF once. It was me with the issues whereas there were no problems with my DH's sperm.

In the end we applied to adopt; DD1 came to us at age 1 when my DH and I were aged 44 and 40. We have 2 DDs now aged 11 and 8, who are birth siblings, so it worked out for us but it was a long and very painful journey.

Sorry for your losses.

I'm currently dealing with my fourth loss and trying to weigh up whether IVF is worth a shot or not.

I've got no dog in this fight since I'm not entitled to NHS treatment at all.

sorry meant to put "taking clomid" after "waiting for a laparoscopy"

@peperethecat

That is true In my case....started trying age 31 after getting married - had one miscarriage at 12 weeks then did go on to have DD, thought we'd broken the curse of pregnancy loss but then have gone on to have 7 losses and no permanently infertile

I don't think the statistics reflect that I would think "most" people paying privately for IVF are actually going through secondary infertility (hence why no NHS support) - that also means we tend to be a bit older than those undergoing primary infertility

@peperethecat yes - I started ttc at 29, waited 18 months before seeking medical advice, it took us another couple of years of going back and forth to gynae outpatients, waiting for appointments, waiting for a laparoscopy etc before we got anywhere near a fertility clinic. I was nearly 34 before we got to a (private, NHS not doing what we needed at that time) clinic.

@Wolfgirrl If 42% of patients are under 35, they probably didn't leave it too late to start trying. If you're under 35 you have to have been trying for a year with no luck before you can even get blood tests, let alone IVF. Factor in those kind of waiting times and I think you'll find that quite a few of that 58% started trying long before they turned 35.

@flashesofrage

The first image says increasing maternal age is partly to blame for an increase in the number of patients requiring fertility treatment.

By your stats, 42% of women needing IVF treatment are under 35. That means nearly two thirds, 58%, are over 35.

I'm not judging anybody, or attaching any meaning to those numbers. They are what they are. I certainly didnt say age is the sole reason people need fertility treatment but there is clearly a link.

@FlashesOfRage

The only problem is that I would say most women I know age 37+ are going abroad for treatment so aren't counted in those statistics - I would think if they are then the statistics may look quite a bit different

@Wolfgirrl and many others talking about age. Some as if it’s the sole reason for IVF to be needed.

FYI

www.hfea.gov.uk/media/2894/fertility-treatment-2017-trends-and-figures-may-2019.pdf

• 65% of women having treatment (whether private or NHS) in the UK are under 37.

• ~60% of all IVF treatment in the UK is private, self-funded.

All the data is freely available online.