To ask what you did with your explosive child?

"The Nurtured Heart Approach' gives parents and teachers an absolutely clear understanding of how a challenging child really responds to normal ways of parenting and why traditional methods actually make the situation worse. It also provides a powerful set of strategies designed specifically to turn the challenging child around to a new pattern of success. Using this approach, it is easy to shift the difficult child to being a cooperative child who uses his or her intensity in entirely positive and creative ways. With the right tools, you get to experience the joy of having a therapeutic effect and the joy of watching your child succeed. You get to enjoy the compliments instead of the complaints that so often accompany a difficult child in every area of life"

Nurtured Heart Method by Howard Glasser. Developed for intense children with extreme behavioural needs but also works on all children.

I would really ask for at least an assessment via your GP, because if there is something to diagnose then starting down that rd sooner rather than later is key. And Anxiety can in itself be a diagnosis.
Don't beat yourself up.
And try to ration yourself. So you don't use all your energy and "Mum input" early in the day when bedtime is a trigger point.
Two of my DC are very competitive, and hard on themselves. But by trying to give the right messages I hope I make a little difference. And do praise them for specific things.
Maybe you could make him a praise jar: take a jar, and put it little notes (he can add them too) when ever he does something great or you praise him eg. "You were so gentle with the kitten" or "It is great you care about plastic in the ocean" or whatever. And encourage him to read them or look at them when he feels bad.
And doing some art or other craft in private, where its not competitive like at school.

Oh and A lot of Autistic people are extremely empathetic - that can be part of the problem.

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Hi Just wanted to say it is possible to be very high achieving academically and also SEN. A lot of ASD is related to social interaction, lack of empathy and not being able to read others. This is the case for my family.

@Heygirlheyboy You sound a lot like how I feel. Absolutely worn out.

I definitely think this is a hard age. Is your DC is YR2/3 at school. This is the age that issues tend to come to the fore because school is becoming increasingly harder, requires more concentration and is more rigid in terms of routine. This is when they start to struggle and find it hard to keep up. This is definitely what I've found with my eldest.

DS isn't diagnosed yet. But even just going down the road has been a huge weight off my shoulders. For a long time I thought I was a terrible parent, I was doing something wrong and carried around a lot of guilt. It's nice just to have someone outside reassure you it's not you're fault and you're doing your best.

I do find life very hard with my DC. They are draining. I end up dreading the tantrums with them. I'm on my own with them on Saturdays and dread those days. I posted about it here once and helpfully got told I shouldn't have had kids. I'm also someone who needs time alone, doesn't cope well with stress and change (very like my DS) and having to be normal at work all day and then come home and deal with their tantrums is difficult for me. I constantly feel exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm actually crying writing all of this out because I feel like I've been struggling for such a long time and I can't keep it in anymore.

Ds2 just had the occasional outbursts, minor in comparison to most kids, but explosive for him. He’s now 15. So I don’t know if this is of any use. But I would sit down with him and say when x happened, what was my/dads/your teachers reaction? And he would say I was told off/missed play/had to come off my play station etc. Then I would ask so what did you want to happen? It would normally be something along the lines of not to be shouted at/to stay on my PlayStation. Then go into so if you wanted X to happen, but you know that by doing Y, you aren’t going to get it, then why do it? He would normally say something like but I couldn’t help it/I did it before thinking etc. So we worked on well the next time you are annoyed/unhappy/frustrated that something has happened, take a deep breath and think about how you will be told off, and is it worth it?

Now obviously this didn’t happen over night! (I bloody wish!). It took a good 6 months or so. But he went from these out bursts at 6/7, and they became less frequent by 9/10. Now he’s 15, and we have zero behaviour, he is an angel teen both in and out of school, but he’s now very good at thinking about his thoughts and feelings, and talking about them. He’ll say for example, in school today x done something, it made me feel like this, and I wanted to do that, but instead I done this, and looking back I can see that maybe they done it because of Xyz. Now that could just be how he is, it may have nothing to do with how we responded to his outbursts. But we’ll never know.

What I will say is, it feels like it’s relentless at that age, but it is only a small time in their lives. If you can deal with it, and face it head on, without ‘just ignoring’ it (I can look at the kids I know now, who’s parents followed the ignore it, it will stop, rule, and they aren’t the kids I want my ds hanging around with, and I know that sounds bad, but I’m being honest), you will over come it.

I think you have to think differently.

Forget about what works with other children (even siblings). Forget thinking they should be able to cope with...putting on a pair of socks or cope with a party/fire drill or whatever.
Behaviour is communication.
If he is holding it in at school it will come out at home - this is why getting a diagnosis can help. As you can use it to get school to make accommodations that they don't necessarily see the benefit of, or may only rarely see.
Praise for effort never for achievement. Stop talking about clever.

Keeping some kind of journal could help.
You really want to start to spot: what activities/things help your child de-stress? Even if this is something like screen time, this can be very useful information. Try different types of music, or real silence. What textures? What foods? What activities?

Also rather than most board games, try to find co-operative ones. Try to find co-operative activities.

And give yourself a break! None of us are perfect. And we all need some "me time".

@Fatted.
Very experienced former childminder here.
Please do not feel like a terrible parent for writing it down.
You are not.
Explosive children can be very difficult to manage.
You are seeking help and the support that people can sometimes find on these threads can be fantastic.
Ladies, Please don't feel that this is your fault. It isn't. Please ask for support when you need it.
You are honestly all doing a great job in what can sometimes feel like impossible circumstances.
💐 For you all as probably a bit early for wine.

This is so very helpful thank you all - my ds very similar.

While absolutely wonderful in many ways as he approaches 10 and the meltdowns get louder and I get more tired it's very inspiring to read thank you

My explosive child is now 23 - I definitely found seeing his behaviour as a development delay in the areas of dealing with frustration & change (IIR correctly) helped me stay calmer. At 7, he used to be ready to explode by the time school was over, after the stresses of holding it in all day. He was well behaved at school. I sometimes had his backpack chucked at me when he came out the doors. Imagine the faces of the judgemental parents...sigh. I'd catch, cover up the behaviour, and give him a snack.

1. We set a timer for computer use as anything over 20 minutes was a nightmare for him to move to another activity.
2. We had him make a list of have to do & want to do items so he had something to look at when he couldn't think of anything but the activity we'd just made him stop.

1. We taught him to recognize what he felt like before he completely lost it, and to use STOP (stop now and plan) - deep breaths, count to ten, think. We practised this when he wasn't stressed so it would be easier to find when he needed it.
2. I made sure he ate regularly
3. We avoided playing family board games
4. We had time out on the stairs with a thinking book (all the kids - got this from Supernanny). They'd sit and write in the book about what had happened and how it could have been better handled. I found the books recently and they've been enjoying reading them .
5. Interestingly, he was (and still is) highly competitive. Would stress about class groups being rewarded, player rewards at sports camps etc. It was great academically as he was totally self motivated to do well. He chose to do a solo competitive sport for 17 years and made great achievements, dealing well with competition stresses. No meltdowns when he was in control. He did do fairly well with sticker rewards - eg a sticker for each swim lesson, and a reward for every 20 stickers. He can swim without sinking and even does it voluntarily.

• I had a absolutely epic parental failure when we decided to surprise the kids AT THE AIRPORT with a trip to Disneyland when he was about 7. Massive flat out tantrum because he was going to miss PE, then took off running at top speed through the crowds. I tackled him at the entrance doors. I'm sure people are still talking about it. We caught the initial parts on video as we were filming to get the (delighted) reactions. Took about half an hour to calm down and I wasn't sure they'd let us on the plane. A few years later he told me he thought he would now be able to handle a similar surprise. I told him no, not now or ever again

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child? There's some crossover between the two theories and some helpful management ideas.

Don't listen to anyone say it's parenting, though you can make it easier for both of you by learning some management strategies. My other 2 were not like him - they've had other issues. It's part of his personality, and in a way, all the early work we did together has helped him have a strong set of tools for dealing with various issues.

Sorry this is so long but wanted to let you know you're not alone.

One of my children is a bit like this. Generally a good pleasant child but very very emotional, in particular he feels other people’s emotions very keenly and seems to struggle to distinguish between this and his own emotions. We found that giving him the language skills to vocalise and rationalise what is going on has really helped. We lead by example by telling him how he is making us feel and encouraging him to do the same. Once he’s calmed down enough we have a conversation about how our own feelings aren’t important enough to justify ruining our relationships with other people by behaving that way and pointing out how much better he is getting at managing his emotions, pointing out all the things he did well, telling him that if he keeps at it he’ll be in control the vast majority of the time etc. He’s gone from daily emotional explosions at age 3 to about once a month now six. We’re still working on teaching him to remove himself from the situation (he does that annoying thing where he follows you from room to room whining/yelling and it’s impossible to get away from him once it’s started).

I was exactly the same as a child and while I am still bothered a lot by other people’s emotions, and I still have a hell of a temper, I am generally very very good at hiding all of this. I slip up maybe four times a year (and when it does it’s momentary and doesn’t tend to go beyond intense blushing and maybe a snarky comment if I really loose it). Unfortunately some people are just very over emotional, we just have to learn to control it.

We watched a lot of family.films and tv, and I think ds also found that quite regulating to watch with us rather than by himself, and chat with us about.story etc. Two siblings.

If you can find something stimulating yet regulating other than tech you will be forever grateful as tech can be quite addictive and cause rows when you try and limit it. We were lucky because ipads and mobile phones didnt really exist. Ds drug of choice was formula 1 racing, cars, lego and listening to music on cd like matilda, high school musical, tchaikowsky swanlake and nutcracker or muse. Dancing and singing or making car noises. Swimming also good. Dressing up and pretending. Listening to endless stories read aloud (horrendous haddock, adapted classics).read vehicle/train books to himself I.think found this soothing. Hated being interrupted or hurried and unable to do what was asked (ie get ready orget dressed) which we prempted by simplifying instructions so no please put tour shoes on we are going to be late it became
Sit on step. Here are your shoes. Lots of basic routine prompts and few random requests or explanations. Lots of jokes to smooth or frame more boring activities. And expectations of untidy unhelpful responses...I think the school day is like an exhausting day at work for them and they have no.energy left to be polite

Are you certain there is no SEN? I have two explosive DS. Eldest is 7 and begining diagnosis process. He reads at high school level. This isn't always in indicator of SEN. Youngest has a stutter and is selectively mute. It was only when youngest started school and flourished compared to his brother, we kind of realised our eldest needed support.

Choose your battles first of all I would say. Sometimes it's not worth the hastle.
Tiredness, hunger and over stimulation are definite triggers and you should take steps to actively avoid them reaching the 'Gremlin' stage with all of them.
After school and when they get home from the childminder is the danger time for us. Eldest needs to go and be on his own for half an hour on his own. Just to decompress. It's really best to just let them relax and unwind after school. It is a lot for them to reign it in all day.
Do things like homework etc first thing in the morning on weekends. Everyone (me included) has more energy and is more relaxed then for that.

I'd also recommend looking at your DC behaviour to look for patterns in their meltdowns. With my eldest, he doesn't adapt well to change, so we have to manage changes to routine etc. My youngest's behaviour is a way of trying to control situations he can't. It's usually meltdowns about getting ready for school or going somewhere he doesn't want to with him. Just going to the supermarket with him is a bloody effort.

I feel like a terrible parent writing this out. But my kids are exhausting. I also work full-time and probably have some undiagnosed issues myself (have a lot of similar traits to DS1). It's hard. But they are worth it and I love them to bits.

My middle child (11) has meltdowns, frustration, anger etc. But, not at school. He's very repetitive if something's on his mind, good or bad. Best thing, stay calm and keep things simple. Quiet downtime looking at match attacks or whatever, until the steam has settled. The book you mention is good, certainly altered my way of thinking and my approach. Good luck, take it day by day.