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Original poster

To ask who pays for childcare if you are separated

83 replies

ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:17

When my ex and I split, he agreed he would fully support our son and pay for any childcare costs incurred when I returned to work after maternity leave. He is a high earner, whereas I’m not as high - he earns double my wage. I also have 2 other children from a previous marriage so I get no Government support for DS (other than CHB) as he’s my 3rd child, born after 06.04.17. I have to claim UC for my 2 eldest children and also claim childcare costs for them. Their father takes nothing to do with them and does not pay any child support. I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years.

I did everything with regards to sorting out childcare for DS as EX couldn’t be bothered, and DS started his nursery just over a month ago. I also had to reduce my working hours to 30 per week as the nursery couldn’t accommodate DS full time and EX wasn’t willing to provide any childcare during the week, so I am losing around £4000 pa from my salary.

The first invoice from the nursery came in last week so I informed him that the fees are to be paid. He’s now saying he’s not paying. I tried to compromise and said I’d pay half and suggested we split DS care 50/50, meaning he would be responsible for DS 2.5 week days and 1 weekend day. I’d do the same. He’s still refusing.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 02/03/2020 14:05

Something has to change with this.

My ex has been promoted due to the fact that he doesn't have to worry about childcare - school holidays or anything, (because he expects me to do it all as RP) so his work think he is AWESOME! No other responsibilities, available for overtime, he's heading straight for the top. They even paid for him to go to Portugal for 2 weeks last year, 5 star hotel as a "thank you for all you do". At the same time, over in my world, I had the boys 24/7 in the six weeks holidays, skint, and was laying in bed crying my eyes out with pain and stress, unable to work as I can't afford the holiday clubs.

He won't tell me what he earns now but no flipping WAY is it the starting wage of 16k he was on 6 years ago. No way. He also gigs on the side and can earn up to £200 a night on special event nights.

I'm just waiting until the boys are both teenagers (12 years) so I can start to live a life somewhere close to how he does. I'll be 45.

But it isn't at all fair and legally both parents should pay for what childcare is needed if the RP is expected to work (which she very much is).

Bibidy · 02/03/2020 14:02

Go through CMS. He should be paying more than that on his wage - although I would say that 35k is not a high earner so I'm not surprised he's reluctant to pay all of the nursery fees.

If he already had DS 2 nights a week anyway he may as well do the 2.5 and one weekend day that you're suggesting!

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 14:00

@curlsnotfrizz are you sure? When he was having DS 1 night per week the calculation was only £230 a month. I’ve never had anywhere near £300 from him. I checked award letter just there and he earns £673 per week so just under 35k?

OP posts:
curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:59

he cannot legally deduct petrol money. contact CMS and take him to the cleaners

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:57

If he doesn’t pay I’m probably going to have to give up my job or take a career break as I just can’t afford £750 a month in fees.

OP posts:
Divebar · 02/03/2020 13:57

He deducts petrol costs of £30? Are you shitting me? What a cock.

teaandcake19 · 02/03/2020 13:56

If he earns £35k per year he should be paying a lot more than that. Have you put the numbers into the CMS calculator?

curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:55

the CMS calculator gives a rate of just under 300 for that salary. definitely go back to CMS to get it recalculated.

HugeAckmansWife · 02/03/2020 13:54

OK well he's clearly not someone with a sense of decency or real commitment to his child. He absolutely should be paying childcare on the two days that the child spends the night with him, they are 'his days'. Legally, you can only get CMS but £180 is low for a 'high earner' and £30 for petrol is ridiculous.. That's a good few hours driving which I'm assuming he doesn't do of he has him x2 a week.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 02/03/2020 13:53

I am so sorry OP. This is absolutely shit and wankers like him should be sterilised.

You can't make him parent. You can't make him pay what he should.
You've been lumbered with everything.

You only have one option and that's to relinquish your son which I can imagine isn't an option to you.

I wish we had more of an American based system. And I never thought I'd wish for something from America.

Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 13:51

Oh but he can not reduce CM due to petrol costs collecting your DC, he just can’t do that legally. I’d be informing CMS.

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:50

I think he earn 35k p/a. I earn 17k now after having to reduce my hours.

OP posts:
Nowayorhighway · 02/03/2020 13:50

As awful as it is, he only has to legally pay CM and it’s usually not very much money. It’s crap, I know but that’s the law in this country. He doesn’t even have to see the DC if he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have to pay for any extra costs incurred such as childcare. I know it’s crap and extremely sexist, it’s partly why so many single Mother’s of young children struggle to work.

curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:48

if it's 180 per month he cannot have a high income. Can you say how much he is earning?

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:45

Yes I know how UC works - I work for DWP. You are correct Brim

OP posts:
rbe78 · 02/03/2020 13:44

Ha, I see me and the two PPs had the same thought at the same time!

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:44

At the moment he has DS 2 nights per week. Maintenance should be £180 a month as per CSA calf but he only pays £150 as he deducts £30 for petrol costs incurred when he’s collecting DS and bringing him home.

OP posts:
BrimfulofSasha · 02/03/2020 13:44

you need to go to CMS. If he is a high earner- which I take to mean higher rate tax- he should pay a lot more than £150 pcm.

You cannot make him take 50/50 responsibility I'm afraid.
I'm not sure how UC works I'm afraid, but can you claim tax free childcare alongside UC for the youngest as youngest isn't on UC claim? I'm sure one of the others on here could advise.

rbe78 · 02/03/2020 13:43

If he's a 'high earner', surely he should be paying more than £150 a month maintenance? Does he share his salry details with you each year? Have you checked on the CMS calculator what he should be paying?

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2020 13:43

If he's a high earner, then £150 a month can't possibly be the right amount surely? If that based on him having almost 50/50 care already?

And if you do truly 50/50, no CMS is payable at all though.

Sadly that's all he legally has to pay. If he refuses to pay the nursery fees, there isn't anything you can do about it I'm afraid.

curlsnotfrizz · 02/03/2020 13:42

I think it's the parent who has the child on these days.

How many days does DS stay with your ex?

Have you put his income onto the maintainance calculator? 150 a months seems very little for a high earner.

averythinline · 02/03/2020 13:41

you need to sort CMS for your older two...

I would sort CMS for your younger one whilst you're at it.. unless he is paying significantly more informally??? how often does he have DS ?
if he's not having him at all then he will pay more.... if he has him he needs to sort chidlcare for his time- dont just give him weekends its good for you to have fund time with DS as well.....

Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:39

I have claimed CMS for both fathers. God knows where father 1 is. Father 2 pays £150 a month maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABC123whatever · 02/03/2020 13:37

I want him to have 50% access. I want us to co-parent 50/50.

I have said I will be responsible for DS 2.5 days per week and 1 weekend day. Any ccc incurred on my days I will pay for. I expect him to do the exact same. He basically wants to pay £150 per month in maintenance and nothing else. Nursery fees are £750 a month.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 02/03/2020 13:37

I know it is awkward but it sounds like you need to claim from the CMS from both the fathers, much as we would like to think they would pay reasonable costs without needing to make a formal claim but sadly that's not always the case.

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