to help me understand friend with chronic fatigue

Has the friend never listened to your many worries OP? Marriage break up/child with difficulties etc. Does she simply NOT listen to you and never has?

In that case, it is not a friendship.

But do consider if she has done this in the past and has been there for you and you were similarly self absorbed.

My Dsis does this and it is maddening and a very unattractive quality. 'Excuse me, I have listened to you for 2 years about XYZ, now I have a problem, as is life' is what I feel like saying when she cuts me off, abruptly ends a call. Making me feel more like shit when I need to talk about something.

YANBU. I suffer with something similar and have horrible fatigue but it is SO draining having to hear others suffering moaning day in, day out. What does she do if you change the subject?

YANBU. I have chronic fatigue as a result of my health conditions. Harping on about my illness is boring. I do talk about it with select people but I make sure I don’t one up people. My friend has a very stressful job and works 12/13 hour days. I listen to her vent and don’t interrupt when she’s having a hard day just because my life is rubbish due to my poor health.

Your friend sounds very self absorbed and I’m sorry you’re also having a tough time. Hope you have other people to be there for you.

I have chronic fatigue, have seen loads of consultants but the only diagnosis I've been given is 'Chronic pain disorder', which doesn't really have much information to go with it.

I honestly get fed up of talking about it myself, but despite planning activities, there's often nothing else going on in my life to talk about. One friend became very distant with me, and I honestly think it's because I'm just no fun any more. Even getting on a train and going to see her - which I used to do without any thought - is a big deal, because I walk so slowly and I'm so tired by the time I get there, because even sitting in a train makes me ache.

I can't think of any way to improve things, unless you can find other things to talk about, even if it's reading the same book or watching the same film or series?

I can't vote on a laptop for some reason, but I think YABU

Also, and I'm not judging, would you feel the same way if it were another illness? ME/CFS is a serious, debilitating illness but even when people say they understand they often think of it like a minor illness. It really isn't.

Ah so your DC cost you 'most of your friends' and marriage but, at the time, she stuck by you? Is that correct?

I am sorry for both of you and maybe you should support each other together?

Hi, I haven't read every post so apologies if I've missed something important.

I have a child with ME and I found that I spoke most about it to the people I felt least understood it. My child was very young when he was first diagnosed and previously supportive family really backed off when it became clear that it was a long term condition (they're not very good at long term support tbh).
I found myself talking about it every single time I spoke to my mother - who was clearly very bored with the whole thing after a while - until I realised that I was trying to get her to understand and offer support. Is there a chance that your frustration is obvious to your friend?
Chronic illness is very isolating so she may also see you as an outlet.

It would be harsh to cut her off completely but perhaps, for your own sake, you could cut back on the number of times you're in contact each week?

YANBU

A friendship can't be one sided and all about one person. That is not much of a friendship. She could take the time to listen to you and ask about your life - that shouldn't be too taxing for her should it?

Maybe she doesn't realise that she does it, maybe she does realise but doesn't care about you. Who knows.

I think the next time she won't listen to you and redirects it back to herself and her illness maybe point it out to her. You can say it in a sensitive way.

TBH, she doesn't sound like much of a friend. I don't think I would bother for much longer if she doesn't acknowledge that friendship is a two way thing.

I get it OP.

I have this myself and have attended various groups etc and I leave feeling utterly drained by them. Everyone always seems woe is me. I'm not saying I don't/haven't suffered and I've lost many friends, but being around people who constantly moan is very draining even when you suffer with it and understand how they are feeling!

At least you try to understand it. Very few people in my life ever have. Maybe change the subject each time?

It might become more equitable if you can both have a moan.

Agree with this. I have friends who have been through some pretty rough times (as have I), but we always tried to ensure that everyone got equal "moaning time". Regardless of relative 'severity'. Although, occasionally some situation could trump this, allowing one person to take all the moaning time on that particular occasion.

When I ask how you are by all means tell me you’re feeling shit, tired whatever. Then move on. It’s draining.

Moving on is hard when you don’t have anything to move on to. When you’re in the middle of an illness like that, it’s often consumes your life. This is why you end up losing friends who don’t get that.

I can’t stand people who harp on about their illnesses. When I ask how you are by all means tell me you’re feeling shit, tired whatever. Then move on. It’s draining.
With a disabled child to look after Op I can understand why this would stick in your craw. She sounds selfish and negative, sorry.

(I’m in no way dissing CFS sufferers - just people who go on and on and on about it!)

I can understand why you are a bit frustrated OP. It's not that she is ill, it's that she is a bit competitive with it and that your friendship isn't equal because all she wants to do is talk about her own problems and doesn't validate yours.

I think this probably comes from two places.

1: people are not very understanding as a rule about CFS and she's probably had to fight with the medical establishment to get her condition recognised - as well as being dismissed by people she cares about. So she is operating with that in the back of her mind all the time, and constantly trying to self-validate how she is feeling and why.

1. Most people who develop a chronic illness experience losses of friendships, family and relationships with people who don't have the time/interest to deal with someone once they are ill. Not only is this very painful, it also means that she probably doesn't have many people to talk to. I suspect that once you lend her a listening ear, it's like a high pressure hosepipe going off. She struggles to stop herself from talking about it all the time, because talking to you about her condition is one of her only outlets.

That doesn't make it OK though. I think she needs to find a balance between talking about her condition but not allowing it to dominate the conversation to the exclusion of everything else.

If the friendship is strong enough, it might be worth just be honest with her about how you feel. I'm sure you aren't asking her to never mention her condition, but you do want the discussion to be a bit more 50/50.

She seems like one of "those" chronically ill people who are consumed by their condition. The internet has created a lot of support for illness communities which is great, but it can sometimes be a rabbit hole which people disappear into. There are tons of blogs, forums, accounts that generate "illness content" that are cathartic to many people but they can easily tip over into obsession.

I think she might not even be aware that she's talking about it so much as it's normal within the chronically ill online community for everything to revolve around your health, treatment, spoons, misunderstanding by society etc. Visit the website The Mighty or have a look at blogs like these (nopostergirl.com) and you'll get an impression of what the community is like.

If this isn't your cup of tea then you might need to put some distance between you.

Chronic Fatigue or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? They are two different things.

she is going out, going to parties, dinners, lunches, holidays abroad. She is out a few times a month (she tells me and posts on Facebook as well).

Ahh, this isn't a help me understand post it is a join me in judging post.

I’m really saddened by the poll results here. Harping on?

I have ME alongside other conditions that cause severe pain. I also have disabled twins who need a lot of care.

The views expressed here are why I try to never talk about it with friends, which really sucks and is so isolating. If she’s recently had to give up work she is probably feeling extremely low.

Going out a couple of times a month isn’t a full social life especially when you also can’t work. I am sure that those outings cost her a lot in terms of recuperation time.

Hmmm.
Originally you said
she went to Thailand and Spain last year on holiday, is going out/partying regularly... she has a pretty full on social life with meeting friends, going for lunches, shopping

Now your update says
She is out a few times a month (she tells me and posts on Facebook as well). It may not be a full social life

That would be more consistent with CFS. Because say she had a full on social life’s was the surprising part of your initial post and did not fit with CFS. Perhaps you have assumed what she tells you is the tip of an iceberg when really it’s the entire ice cube. She only does those few things each month and the rest of her days are spent recovering and sleeping.

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I've missed something important. After first reading you message I thought, yes you are being unreasonable. After all, isn't that what friendship is for? Being able to share our worries and struggles with people around us? It's not harping on, it's talking through problems and struggles. Just because you choose not to share doesn't mean that no one should. However, reading on I see that you get shot down when you do share and it somehow goes back to being all about her. That's not ok and you aren't unreasonable to feel annoyed. Friendship is a two way street. Supporting each other and sharing with each other is all part of a great friendship. This is obviously not happening. Maybe she isn't aware? Are you in a position to have a talk with her about it and how you are not feeling valued within the friendship? If it's pointed out to her, she might get very defensive, but also might actually reflect that you are right? Sorry this is happening to you x

I don’t harp on, I don’t even tell most people I have it. I might complain on occasion to dh, but if I’m very tired, I don’t have the energy to harp on. If I have the energy to go out and meet a friend I’d rather talk about other things anyway.

It takes very little energy to ask a friend how they are coping with life and then simply listen.

If she never does that then that gives a picture of a very one sided friendship.