to help me understand friend with chronic fatigue

Sometimes relationship dynamics work like this if one person is trying to explain their experience and instead of just listening and saying that sounds really hard the other person tries to make suggestions as to how to make it better or how to look on the bright side or how it could be worse. This kind of reaction makes the first person feel they haven't been heard or understood so they feel they need to say the same thing again but amp it up a bit more. Thus they can't move on to another subject - even though both parties would actually prefer to...

I would say to choose to spend time with people who generally make you feel good and not with people who don't.

CFS is a serious and debilitating condition to live with and there is very little understanding, support or awareness from the medical profession or the DWP let alone the general public. So I imagine life is genuinely very tough for your friend. Your life doesn't sound easy either. It doesn't sound as though the time you are spending together is very beneficial for either of you though. I would prioritise looking after your own mental health in this situation and reduce contact significantly or even completely.

I think as a PP put it most succinctly, there is probably about the same percentage of pains in the arses in the CF population as there are in the general population and sadly, your friend seems to be one of them.

It's great that posters have been able to educate lots of us about the condition, which sounds horrific, but in the case of your friend, she doesn't half sound a pain. I fear you may have to back away for your own sanity.

Your own life sounds hard and I hope you can find some other friends.

I have CFS. It ebbs and flows. When it is bad I can barely get out of bed. I shuffle up the stairs on my bum, I can’t walk the dog or make a meal or look after my DD properly. It is all consuming. I also can’t socialise when it’s bad.

When things are good I look normal and just go to bed earlier than “normal” people.

Your friend may be struggling but that’s no excuse for being a bore and not caring about your life. If she can socialise then her fatigue is no longer that bad.

OP you haven’t posted to understand the condition at all. You want others to judge her and say she’s been a terrible friend. Many posters have given some very useful information about the reality of living with CFS but you don’t seem interested.
You have, ironically, responded with how difficult your own life is and how she doesn’t consider your needs. Hope you don’t get accused of ‘harping on’.

TBh I'd scale back the friendship. You need friends who care about you, who energise you, who support you - as well as the other way round.

You don't owe anyone friendship.

I think I’ve been your friend many years ago though not through illness but bereavement. I think a lot of it is personality type and for some people it can be very easy to slip into blinkered vision and unable to think past your own circumstances. It also can become an easy excuse it you feel threatened or jealous of someone else’s life or the thing that defines you. Sympathy and support are addictive and if you find a way to achieve this easily through your circumstance it can be difficult to even want to look for other ways to fulfil yourself.

I don’t really know what to suggest because I eventually started boring myself (!) and stopped.

If you can manage a frank conversation with her about how you’re finding it hard to carry her mental load as well as your own with no respite to just be friends or even possibly some support flowing your way it might be beneficial for not only your friendship but your friend overall. It’s risky though because not a lot of people are able to digest hearing their perceived shortcomings without becoming defensive or offended. If you go that route you have to be prepared for the potential it could end your friendship.

Otherwise I think you just need to step back and engage less. Although it’s great to support your friends sometimes it’s to big an ask and you have to protect yourself first.

MNHQ mantra of never offering more than you can afford to give applies here.

I’d end the friendship tbh.

I have three friends with MS. One literally never mentions if unless it is directly affecting her at that moment. One I know struggles and talks about it sometimes. The third talks about nothing else, and posts about it constantly on social media. Everything she has gone through is worse than anyone else. I spent years running errands, doing tasks, listening, asking and helping any way I could including dealing with her care team and attending hospital appointments. I took the brunt of her moods and anger, even when it was nothing to do with me. I defended her to everyone who found her difficult, because I knew her life was hard. The last time I saw her she ranted about how all of her friends make her feel like shit and nobody has ever done anything for her.

I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia after years of pain, mental health issues and everything associated. She has never once asked me how I am. I try not to talk about it because I don't want to drain anyone else with my problems, so unless it's relevant to something that's happening I keep it to myself, even on the days I can't pick my kids up from school and brushing my hair makes my arms ache. I also don't try to one up anyone. A friend of mine has had a hard time recently and not once have I told her she doesn't have it as bad as me, because that would be selfish, petty and ridiculous.

If you can't raise it with her and you feel drained by her then I'd suggest you distance yourself, though be prepared to be the bad guy!

I have chronic illnesses.... I rarely discuss with friends... I find it boring...

If anyone presses me I say... Had a few bad days and looking forward to better days! So what are we doing today? What's the latest with the brexit rubbish?? /whatever.

Pointless moaning NEVER helps... It just reinforces how crap you feel....

But if its problem solving talk... This is good. As in... I've found that by going swimming regularly brings me pain score down... Etc etc

She's not being fair to you. That's what it boils down to. Friendship should give you both support and if it's one sided then it isn't friendship.

I know what you mean OP.

I have ME, have had for almost 40 years. I am sure I have hobby horses that drive other people mad. ME doesn't make me a saint, or even just a nice person.

Your friend sounds as though she would be a misery even without the CFS. One of those "Well my head fell off twice" people. She is, as others have said, one of those emotional vampires, her state of health has no bearing on that!

I'd like to add that ME / CFS doesn't strike everyone the same and doesn't even stay the same in one person's lifetime. Going backwards I currently run my own business, have worked as a teacher, went through uni, worked as a fitness instructor and lay in bed for 2 years. I have a diagnosis, have had since I was 19, confirmed when testing /dx procedures changed a decade or two ago. I expect at some point I will have to slow down again, but have a puppy, so am hoping it won't be any time soon

Some people just love talking about themselves the whole time, like they don't come up for air. Generally , they look mega annoyed , even angry to not to be the voice throughout (love the sound of their own voice).
I cared for someone with CFS, severely and mildly. Either she was too exhausted to discuss it or at other times, just couldn't be arsed. .

But if she has the energy to moan about it this extensively it feels off.

Oh, what a thing to be judged on. You can’t really be ill if you’ve got the energy to moan about it. FFS.

I have problems with elderly parents needing care. So do my oldest friends. But we handle it differently.

When I go out to socialise with them, I want to escape my stressors. When they meet me they see it as an opportunity to share their stress. So I was coming away from our lunches etc, feeling drained and miserable, instead of having a nice couple of hours away from it all.

Anyway, at the end of one of these depressing sessions (where I'd tried and failed to change the subject many times) I said that next time we met , we weren't going to talk about any of this. That we should have a few hours break from the subject. And when we did next meet, I reminded them. It was quite a bit better, though they still occasionally lapsed.

Maybe you could try to say something similar? But if she still doesn't get it, I'm afraid I'd just stop seeing her. It sounds as though you have more than enough on your plate without a friend who's emotionally draining.

I think the basic issue is that she has reduced "spoons" due to CFS - BUT you also have reduced "spoons" due to being a single parent with a disabled child. At present it seems that she is using up some of your "spoons" everytime you see her with her moaning - and lack of empathy.

Lots of parents with disabled children end up with health issues themselves due to the pressures. Have you had help applying for and appealing for benefits?

Oh, and YANBU about not wanting every conversation dominated by disability/caring/hardship either. My friend and I get our moans out of the way up front then move on to telly, general chat, people we know, news, family, where did you get that top, work, future plans, gossip - all sorts really. If it ever gets one-sided the other pulls themselves up and apologises!

@NBSW CFS is not just being tired

Well it's clear you don't like her frankly, so end the friendship.

I’m going to be blunt.

You don’t need to understand CFS any more than you already do. The problem here isn’t that you don’t under her condition, or don’t make allowances for it. You do. The problem here is that she’s being a shitty, selfish friend.

I also have children with additional needs. My life is hard. I have a friend with health conditions. Her life is hard. We each moan. We each understand when one needs more space than the other to do so. We each understand when one might go a bit quiet for a while. We never, ever turn each problem the other has round round to ourselves and do competitive “yeah, but my life’s shitter” like your friend is doing. We each respect the fact that we each have our own struggles and respect that they are equally difficult in their own way.

Your problem is going to come in tackling this because she is being a shitty friend about a sensitive subject, and if you choose to try to tackle her about it you’ll need to be very careful to avoid coming off looking like the bad guy.