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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
Skysblue · 06/02/2020 13:18

This issue comes up fairly regularly. Parents who want to help their child after swimming have to use the changing room belonging to their own gender (says our swim school). She should be taking her son into the ladies if he isn’t old enough to shower alone.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 13:13

Fair enough pinky
I’m really sorry that you’ve found this upsetting, I appreciate that some 10 year old boys and girls do need parental help with personal care and getting dressed but I’m pretty certain it’s not the case here.
From watching the general mother/son interaction during the lesson I just get the impression she babies him in general. DS says from what he’s seen there is no need for her to be there - although I appreciate that at age 11 he may well not know, but he says she “ hands him things and shampoos his hair”

OP posts:
ICouldHaveBeenAContender · 06/02/2020 13:12

I suspect its a mum who can't get to grips with the fact her little boy is growing up. Unless he has a problem he should be capable of showering and changing on his own. She needs to let go.

Agree.
Yes, mention it.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2020 13:10

Pinkypie86

It needs reporting so the staff at the venue can handle the situation.

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 06/02/2020 13:09

If its anything like DS' swimming lessons and the DS does have difficulties getting dressed then she is in a bit of a bind, he is not allowed in the female changing rooms and she is not allowed in the males, I don't believe where DS has his swimming lessons there is another choice, I would certainly raise it, but be warned you might find yourself in the position of having to move your DS this is what happened to me

lanthanum · 06/02/2020 13:08

Ask the swim school if they have a policy, and if so whether they can make it clear.
Ours had a clear policy that adults should only be in the changing rooms for their gender; if dad brought a daughter they would have to go in the male changing rooms if they needed help. There was one individual cubicle in each set of changing rooms which they could use if needed.
One dad (of a girl old enough to change on her own) went ballistic because there were a couple of boys in the girls' changing rooms with their mothers. They were pre-pubescent, so it shouldn't really have been an issue, and there was an individual cubicle his daughter could use if she was bothered. But it really did help that the swim school had a clear policy, because other parents could point him at that.

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 13:08

@Hoppinggreen

Not you, other posters!!

MimiLaRue · 06/02/2020 13:07

but people saying 'report

They are saying that because its up to the staff in the establishment to tell her not to be in there. If the staff dont know she's in there, they wont do anything about it which is why OP needs to tell them. Noone is saying she should be locked up, but she shouldnt be in the male changing room where other men/boys' right to privacy are not being respected. She can go in a family changing cubicle if her son needs extra help cant she?

BottleOfJameson · 06/02/2020 13:07

If the child needs help getting changed he should go in the women's changing room or the disabled changing room once he's too old to do this (I think 10 is getting too old). Imagine if a fully grown man came in the ladies to help his daughter get changed!

MimiLaRue · 06/02/2020 13:05

Its not right- she shouldnt be in there. We would object to a grown man hanging around the women/girls shower and this has to be the same rule- its inappropriate and she needs reporting.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 13:04

pinkypie what have I called her?

OP posts:
Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 13:04

I wonder what people think of me, when I help my son.

Sorry OP. This just got to me ( feeling crappy today and, this just made me upset )
Apologies for jumping on!!

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 13:01

Hopefully there is somewhere your son or she and her son can go, that make it more comfortable for everyone. She isn't looking though is she?
She is helping HER son, not everyone else's. If that were the case then, YES she is all those things you've called her.
:/

Blackbear19 · 06/02/2020 13:01

We use a pool with a similar set up.
My DS with SN was about 8.5 when he started insisting he used the Male Changing room because that's the rules.
I've not felt the need to go beyond the door shouting in 'are you ok in there'. That said i don't expect him to wash his hair though, hair gets washed when he is going to bed.

Get the company to have a word!

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 13:00

Completely agree - everyone should have a right to privacy, but people saying 'report, pervert, creepy' WTF.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 06/02/2020 12:59

Say something - if he can’t wash his own hair she could do that later at home

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 12:58

Also, I don’t know the lay out of these changing rooms so I dint know if there is an area that gives DS more privacy. DH is going to take him swimming next week and go in to see what it’s like and exactly what’s going on

OP posts:
araiwa · 06/02/2020 12:58

Id say someone who puts themselves in a position to see naked 10 year olds is a pervert

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 12:56

And I don’t think this woman is creepy or a pervert, I just think she’s a bit smothering.
I don’t think my son is in any danger from her, but I think he has a right to not change in front of a person if the opposite sex if he doesn’t want to.
DS looked old for his age, he’s very tall and from around 6 we often got challenged by staff when I took him into the Ladies changing rooms.
If he can’t go into The Ladies then a Lady shouldn’t be in his changing room

OP posts:
CameFromAway · 06/02/2020 12:56

YANBU
Please stand up for your son’s dignity and privacy

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 12:56

Pervert? What an absolute shit show! You are a parent - if your son (god forbid) had an accident and was wheelchair bound or bed bound his entire life, it would fall to you to keep him clean.
Are you being a pervert then?
Why don't you just ASK her to go into another area with him? Try having a conversation - she may not want to be in there either.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 12:54

If special arrangements are needed for this boy, they should be made. But not at the expense of the other boys' dignity.

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 12:52

If they used the disabled changing room without there being a 'visible disability' all hell would break loose too.

Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't!

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 12:51

Apologies to cheese my second comment was to Doobigeta

OP posts:
Olliephaunt4eyes · 06/02/2020 12:51

I feel sorry for her son! Imagine your mum pretty much still physically washing you at 10! YANBU - she shouldn't be in there.

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