To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

I would say no way! This was the same issue w my dh during Xmas (I was due to give birth a few days before). His family wanted to come for xmas. I said no way. As we would be expected to host and even if they cooked the food etc. I wanted to focus on newborn and not entertaining people!

I did have my own mother come though, as she is helpful. Of course my MIL is helpful too, but it’s stressful for me as my dh gets all stressed about the house being tidy and perfect at all times when she comes! 😡

I would perhaps compromise and have her book tickets for 2-3 weeks after the due date so it’s when your dh returns to work.

your dh is patronizing.

Hell no! I'd not want my own mother there a month, never mind DHs. Baby or not. 😂

I love my own space. I mean, if you are the kind of person that doesn't mind and would love help/company, then fine. Otherwise-nope.

My DHs mother lives in another country. We got married last year. She came over for a month nearly (mostly before). We were both working right up to the wedding. I categorically said thay no way was she staying with us. I was stressed enough. Luckily she stayed with other family. But there times when people need to realise you don't want people just dumping themselves on you.

Your dh sounds awful. I’d honestly be wondering if I want to be continue the relationship at all if this happened to me.

His mothers feelings come before yours even when you’re vulnerable.

I agree with the previous posters who have suggested you talk directly to your MIL - and cut out your unhelpful dh!

"MIL - we would love to see you after the baby comes, but the dates suggested are too close to my due date, and there is no way I will be up for any visitors then. If we could push the visit back a few weeks, that will give me the chance to recover from the birth, and get accustomed to having a toddler and a newborn. I'm sure you appreciate my need for some time to rest and recuperate before your visit. Hugs, @Jvx01".

Ugh, men like this make me angry. You can bet if it was them who gave birth, they'd put their foot down if you suggested having your mother to stay straight after.

OP, you've name changed, so your posts are not highlighted. A lot of posters will miss your other posts.
Don't let him make you feel that you're the unreasonable one. He has no right to dismiss your feelings, as he is not the one carrying his child for 9 months, and going through everything that giving birth throws up. Even if you have the easiest birth, you'll still need time to recover and get into a routine. YOU are the boss here.

I think it'd be totally reasonable to tell him that yes, after birth is a very emotional time, and although you like MIL just fine, you want and need more privacy and space just after the birth to be messy and bleedy and hormonal, which would be awkward and embarrassing with someone else around. Also you don't know what new baby will be like and you need some time to adjust to that.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth)

Thats really shocking.
Have a midwife explain the reality of it to him. You are not in control of your emotions during pregnancy, labour, or until your hormones settle down after recovery.
He can duck out of reality, you can't.

YANBU, I totally get that you'd like to be just the 4 of your after you've just had your second child. That's a lovely time that anyone should look forward to. Personally I wouldn't want someone staying and intruding on that family time. I'd be asking him why he doesn't see that time as special to create bonds for the 4 of you.

After those 2 weeks of leave, yes of course his DM can come, he is right she is entitled to be in the country. But she isn't entitled to stay at your house unless you feel entirely comfortable with that. How about a nearby hotel or Airbnb? Plus you only have to have her if he's around to entertain her and you want her there. The argument will be that she will help - however you have to feel comfortable with that and for many the "help" means holding the baby, which is actually for you to do!

Is he usually this unreasonable?

Completely agree that you’re NBU. Is she likely to be helpful though? My mum was an absolute legend after I’d had a c/s with DS2. MIL, on the other hand - who I should add is awesome and extremely helpful these days - back then was the sort of person who expected me to halt breastfeeding to make her a cup of tea, and then hand me the dirty cup to wash up when she was finished (and I was inevitably still breastfeeding).

Would your MIL be some much needed help and support when your DH is away? Or just a PITA?!

Depends are you expected to host? Or will she actually be helpful? Yes it’s a long time I agree.

2 times each 1 month a year, too much. i wouldnt be able to take that.
its not your problem if she is alone.
dont accept it and take the matter to your hands.
your husband is very annoying.

99% of MN agree with you!

Only 99%?

I was joking when I said I was tempted to click on YABU, honestly.

I can't believe you are happy with her staying for 2 months a year. My MIL is lovely but I would cry at the very thought of that.

Is he normally a selfish clueless bellend, or is it just when you’re creating life?

So she basically lives with you 2 months out or 12. No way I'd accept that or her coming when you're an emotional mess. YANBU, OP, and set boundaries

Also, it will be much better for EVERYONE to have the awkward conversations before and stop this happening rather than think you have to say yes to avoid upsetting anyone and then struggling with MIL once she’s here.

I had one visitor insist on coming to stay and I ended up telling them to leave and that was after a couple of days of me finding the situation very stressful. And far from them being helpful it actually removed help from me because my mum who was staying (at my request) to help me ending up diverting her attention to host this other relative rather than being available when I needed her.

DH says I am too emotional about everything (particularly around childbirth)

I would show my DH 'emotional' if he made a comment as stupid as that.

and that she is entitled to come to this country whenever she wants

Not entitled to stay in your house whenever she wans though.

Tell him. And tell her, too- if she's a half decent person she will understand and not want to upset you.

Too emotional around childbirth?
All the lols for that little gem!

YANBU. My husband’s parents are overseas and when DS was born I said absolutely no way to visitors for at least a month. They too like to stay for 3+ weeks at a time.

He works away so you’re stuck with the burden of his mother. No matter how good your relationship with her it’s still an imposition.

He’s being a twat.

YANBU; of course you should be listened to and consulted, however I would ask you if you have someone around to help you weeks 3/4? (After he's finished paternity)
My MIL has been a blessing post section and has mainly been entertaining our 19 month old and helping out with housework. This gave us the opportunity to take our time with the new baby, and round robin napping with 1to1 with each child.

Tell your DH that you need to be his priority at a vulnerable time and his paternity leave is to support you and your children not to let his mother do everything. If she absolutely has to come then book a nice air bnb. You need to stand firm, you'll have to just pushed a tiny human out not him. His behaviour is gob smackingly selfish

Yeah I was bit 'too emotional'' when 4 days after the birth of my second child I had to be taken for an emergency perinatal appointment for PND and anxiety!!! I couldn't even cope with my own mother visiting my house let alone my MIL - he has no idea what your recovery will be.

This screams that he doesn't want to be looking after the toddler whilst your catching up on sleep/feeding newborn/bleeding profusely.

What a dick!

Just no. Be strong on this one. 99% of MN agree with you!

Not unreasonable at all. I have the same situation with my MIL. She's widowed and comes to stay with us for 4 months of the year from overseas.

We're currently planning 2nd child and had a very frank conversation about her staying. I said point blank the first 3 months she's not staying with us. If she decides to visit the UK during that time (as is her right) then she will need to arrange alternative accommodation with DH's brother.

I also told her this so there could be no miscommunication. She is well aware that should we have a second child she will need to stay elsewhere. Talking to her directly about it was the best move... I very rationally explained my reasons and made it clear I was not excluding her as she could still visit weekends and stay overnight if desired. She's not unreasonable so she got it.

99% of the problem was DH. He was adamant we (ie HE) needed is mummy for 'help'. Because it's his relative he doesn't realise how bloody inconvenient it is having a guest in your home. Especially when they get to swan off to work and leave us to host. Even the nicest person gets on your tits when you have to live with them... Add in a new baby and it's a recipe for disaster.

Maybe consider speaking to MIL directly. Make it clear you are not excluding her but that you need the initial time to heal, set routines, establish feeding etc. Take your DH out of the decision making process and agree it between the girls. Make it clear that you would love for her to come after XX weeks though so you don't end up as the bad guy.

Tell your DH to grow the fuck up. You don't need extra stress around the time you give birth.

Ridiculous situation for your partner to put you in, honestly, if he were going in for major surgery and recovery, would he want your mother being around during and after? I say this as someone who ended up with double incontinence for a time after my (fairly traumatic but no warning) birth, and it took months to physically recover, it's a long time ago now but only recently ok down there, and establishing bf was hell at the same time! You don't need extra pressure!