To not want mother in law to stay when I've just given birth?

"Too emotional"??? FFS. He is entitled to judge whether you're too emotional when he has gone through the hormonal rollercoaster of being pregnant, giving birth, and all the rest, and when has coped with the aftermath including potentially stitches, piles, breastfeeding, etc etc. Till then his only role is to support you and his children, and to put his immediate family first.

As for the argument that his mother is entitled to travel to the UK when she wants - yes she is. But she is not entitled to stay in your house at a time when you desperately need not to have extra bodies around. Your husband can pay for an AirBnB if that's his attitude.

Getting her to come potentially two weeks after baby’s arrival still sounds too early for me.

Tell him it doesn’t even matter if he thinks you are being emotional. Even if you are, it’s about what you want/need since you are the one having given birth, not about what he thinks you need.

So what if she’s entitled to come to this country whenever.?You are entitled to your privacy.

He doesn’t actually need to understand any of your reasons for not wanting her there, but he needs to accept that you have them and respect them and stop trying to persuade you otherwise.

She IS entitled to come to the country whenever she wants.
And YOU are entitled to say who come into your home at any time, but with knobs on when you’ve just had a baby.
Any man who tells his pregnant wife she is being too emotional when she objects to HIS unreasonable demands is being insensitive and manipulative, as well as totally unsupportive of his pregnant wife when she most needs him. He should be ashamed.
If you MIL is a reasonable woman, I’d phone her and explain. If not, tell your husband no.

My pil are in Australia. They were quite clear about what time suited them to visit when I was due my second. I was equally clear that those times wouldn’t suit. They visited at a time that worked for me with my newborn. If my dh had called me emotional I think I’d have demonstrated new heights of emotional that registered on the Richter scale.

@Ladyks that was your mum, bit of a different relationship than you have with your MIL maybe?

Your Dh is being a selfish prick. He knows its going to be full on with a newborn and your other Dc so he has invited his mother to be there whilst he is on paternity leave to help him out. When in fact she could come after his paternity leave was over so you would have the help. Then he gaslights you by telling you it's your fault. You need to rip him a new one.

@Ladyks Unless you've spent a great deal of time with MIL, the dynamic is likely to be very different from the relationship with your own mother. She may be happy to take over some of the housework, or perhaps OP wouldn't feel comfortable with that. Perhaps MIL is more of a guest that needs to be entertained. Whatever. I think OP had made it clear she doesn't like the idea - and that's fair enough.

Also, I was 10 days late with DS. What if she doesn't give birth on her due date, or needs to stay in, or needs a c section, or any number of variables? It's an added stress I wouldn't want either.

I hosted for a week when my DS was born and that was probably too much! A month seems obscene.

However helpful she is, it still means you can't fully relax or just have that 20 minute power nap you desperately need after X sleepless nights. And other little things you still have to consider if hosting, like waiting until your guest is awake before you jump in the shower in case it wakes them, do they need a cuppa, etc etc etc.

Your husband is unreasonable, and has no consequences to this decision. If she comes, he'll be at work so she'll be your problem to entertain. If she doesn't, it's because YOU are being "too emotional" and refusing his mother's wishes. Your DH should be telling his mum "thanks for the offer, but I'd really like the first few weeks to be just the 4 of us until we find our feet with the new routine".

I think MIL is selfish too. She should be self aware enough know that this is an imposition without having to be told.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius 's suggested message is perfect.

Please dont do it !!! stand for yourself . I did this amd I regret it. This is a magical time for both the parents, sibling and the baby , you do not want your mother in law to get into the triangle either.
I remeber when I agreed and my mother in law came, she would literally take the baby whenever she wanted to, if my baby cried she was first to go and take her, I couldnt stand her , she knew better , she would explain that because she had 3 sons shes more experienced ! I lasted 1 week then I told her to go !

YANBU. Surely the best judge of whether she will be helpful to you or not is you?

*i could've been comfortable with MY mum, not yours!

Yes, but surely having your own mother is a different thing to having your mil to stay?

I think I could've been at ease crying, bleeding, leaking milk with your mum but personally I wouldn't with anyone else apart from dh! (Personally we said no to visitors for a few weeks and got in with it as a team.)

Plus you will be negotiating the toddler/baby relationship which is tricky. From me it would be - please find an air B and B.

I agree that you should speak to Mil directly. Am pretty sure she would get it. Your DH is an ass

My mom came over & stayed for 5 weeks when DS was born (he’s 7mo old now) and it was amazing. She did all the laundry/dishes & changed loads of nappies as I was struggling getting on & off the sofa & in & out of bed due to a rough birth. DH only had 1 week off, so I loved having the extra help. When next Bubba is born I’m hopeful she’ll come again, and if not then happy to have my MiL come as long as she’ll help! Even keeping DS entertained while caring for a newborn would be helpful? Guess I’m in the minority though!

It’s a no from me.

Yes she is “entitled” to come to the country whenever she likes. She is not entitled to stay in your home.

Your DH is being an arse.

I simply despair at the complete ignorance of some men. I agree that your asshole husband should be sat down by the midwife and have a biology lessons regarding childbirth, hormones and emotions. How dare he suggest you are too emotional. If he won't man up and tell his intrusive mother to have a bit of cop on and stay away until you are ready for visitors, then you will need to make the call or text her yourself. I've slightly tweaked a pp suggestion - instead of saying 'if we can push the visit back...' just tell her she has to push the visit back. Don't give her an opportunity to negotiate.

MIL - we would love to see you after the baby comes, but the dates suggested are too close to my due date, and there is no way I will be up for any visitors then. You will therefore have to push the visit back a few weeks so that will give me the chance to recover from the birth, and get accustomed to having a toddler and a newborn. I'm sure you appreciate my need for some time to rest and recuperate before your visit. Thanks, @Jvx01**

No flights booked yet are they?

Thanks so much @JustHarriet So needed to hear that.

If she “doesn’t have much else going on in her life, she can come over later in the year when your routine is more established.

Tell dh that the answer is an absolute no until at least a month after the new baby is here.

He is treating you appallingly in this!

Nope. That would be a no from me. As for the "too emotional" comment, let him push a watermelon through one of his orifices and see how emotional he feels. I'd even offer to help him.

No.

I can't bear to read the whole thread but have to post.
Insist your husband arranges books and pays for alternative accommodation for her NOW. Don't accept any excuses or I'll do it laters or anything else. You need this for your own sanity.

I'm getting flashbacks already. (our situation was more complicated as mil failed to liaise with my own mother despite them living in the same city; husband repeatedly was told yes your suggestion to book accommodation nearby is excellent please arrange it - then didn't; ended up 2 weeks overdue, mil arrived that day, husband thought we had plenty of room for them both to stay. Our spare room was also our study, we had an air mattress in there and a sofa bed in the living room. low point was realising that the vegetables my mother was blanching and freezing for me to use for quick meals, were being gratefully used by mil)

Your emotions are on point. Your head may be telling you to accommodate your MIL because of guilt and possibly pressure from your DH but your wanting to cry is saying 'enough is enough!' It seems like you are having exactly the right emotional reaction for you in this situation, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Since your emotions are so helpfully allowing you to be clear about your preferences, how about checking in with them on the date your MIL comes? Sit with the dates and see which one pops up as feeling comfortable for you rather than making you want to cry.

As it's your house, and you giving birth, breastfeeding baby and recovering from birth, you know what suits you. In this instance (and lots of other instances) what suits you is what is best for your family. It's not going to do your kids any good having you feeling resentful about your MIL and crying while she is here.
If you have been very accommodating with your MIL up until now this conflict was going to happen at some point. If you give in this time there will be a next time and a next and you'll end up constantly compromising. It is much harder to turn the ship around the more times you compromise and you're making yourself less important than everyone else in the process.
imo the best way through is to tell DH you have thought about it and decided these dates will suit you. He can express his upset to you, but he needs to communicate with MIL these are the dates that will work for your family. Let go of any guilt, this is your life and your kids' lives, you get one shot at it, and you need be strong about looking after yourself. Standing up for yourself is looking after your family - it won't be the last time you need to do this so you may as well start practicing now.
Hope this is helpful!

@Davespecifico You are so spot on it's ridiculous!