To be convinced this isn't autism

Sounds a bit like one of my DCs, right down to the traits held/ not held and violent temper. There are a whole host of other syndromes/disorders out there that are either on the ASD spectrum or are closely linked. Things like ODD, SCD etc. Hopefully if you keep the assessments, even if your DS is not ASD, they might diagnose something different that does make sense of his symptoms. I'd stick with the process, though I know it is gruelling.

My son has ASD.

At age 5 (he's 9 now) he presented very similarly to your son, but without the violent meltdowns (he doesn't have meltdowns at all) and he wasn't sociable at all with his peers (he is now and has a lovely little group of friends).

I'd recommend going for the assessment. My son was assessed and diagnosed at age 7-8 (yr 3 in school).

I think that you should press ahead.
In my experience there's often more than one issue at play and if some of his issues can be a result of ASD then it's good to know.

Some of your reasons that he's not got autism are inaccurate imo.

My ds was at primary school with a boy with autism. He was very popular and understood social rules like if someone hurts themselves ask if they are ok and alert an adult, used please and thank you etc He was different from the other boys in the sense that he liked quiet activities at play rather than football or playing tag but he was well liked and considered very kind. He knew the theory of human emotions brilliantly but sometimes had problems dealing with his own emotions.

If he's not autistic then you can see about sorting out the violence too but it will be a very different type of sorting out and you can't solve it without understanding the cause.

OP I can see your concerns.
There are children who are misdiagnosed with ASD, there are also a lot of children/adults diagnosed with other conditions when they should have a ASD diagnosis.

Your DS’s traits cross over with other things such as ADHD, PDA, some people would say these conditions are on the autistic spectrum.

My eldest dd can be sociable and she knows emotions but can struggle to react to them (but she feels them and recognises them). She was diagnosed with Aspergers when she was 4, she’s now 13 and a lot less sociable but can hold her own in a social situation if she needs too. Her sister is more severely autistic and would be what people would call “a typical case” as she has almost all the ASD traits.

I wouldn’t be turning down any appointments or ruling out ASD.

I can understand what you mean. You could look at these behaviours and say 'might be asd' if you don't take him, whereas if he is assessed and you are right, then there is another issue, perhaps parenting, attachment, some kind of trauma or a mixture of all of these - and this will be very difficult for you. But, you know that you will both need help and it's your job to get that help for him. Please go.

@whyismysoullost
It wouldn't be at all possible to diagnose all autistic children by 2 or 3, since particularly in kids with hf autism it wouldn't always be distinguishable at that age from normal immaturity of a toddler.

X post.

It's likely that he is experiencing sensory overload in the shops so it isn't for no reason.

I wouldn’t say any if the things you think rule out ASD actually do so, particularly since you say he does things on his terms and is overly sociable. Infact, they can actually be seen as markers for ASD.

I have 3 DC on the spectrum who are all completely different from each other. One was diagnosed at pre-school age, but the other two were much older. I was very surprised about one of them’s diagnosis. I would get your son assessed as it may make it easier for you to access support.

I don't see how you can ever be confident that your ds doesn't have autism until he is assessed by trained professionals and found categorically not to have it. If he does then he will be able to get the support he needs. If not then you can explore other avenues. The assessment may even point towards what his struggles actually are, if not autism.

Go to the assessment. They might diagnose autism, they might not or they may see something else of interest.
A lot of children with autism are violent because they're under a lot of stress and don't know how to manage it and a lot of children with autism mask until they are in a safe place where they can show their stress.
If he gets a diagnosis then school need to put in place measures to reduce his stress so there's less to manage at home.

Would I be unreasonable to be satisfied it's not ASD and therefore cancel the appointments?

And which qualifications in developmental disorders do you possess which enable you to come to that conclusion?

YABVVU and incredibly short-sighted. You only have experience of ONE child (presumably). I work in a school and have got to know many ASD pupils quite well. They are all very different as others have said.

KEep the appointments. You are in the system, if they come to the conclusion it isn’t ASD they will refer to the appropriate help. Do not underestimate the trouble that the transfer to secondary from primary could bring. You NEED to be in the system now or you could be fighting for years to try and get him some help. He needs you to fight for him.

My DS is ASD and violently hurts me OP, please go because they won't help you find out any other causes unless they check to see if it is this.

They won't asses him for anything else if you cancel these appointments, best of luck

Go to the appointments FFS Nothing in your post rules out autism. Your DS may really need the support that diagnosis hopefully brings some day. It's not about it being stressful for you. If he is autistic he may need support.

And I bet he doesn't enjoy hurting you

If he's not autistic then he won't be diagnosed

PinkyU sorry I disagree. Most children in my LA have a diagnosis of ASD at age two or three. I think it depends on the borough.

DO NOT CANCEL.

I would not cancel, the appointments are like hens teeth. Dd1 took years to get a diagnosis (she was diagnosed at 16, referred at 11 by CAMHS - didn't fit what previously I considered to be signs of autism). Dd2 (almost 5) is in the system and has been for about 12 months now and we are no where near diagnosis stage. If your child is on the spectrum then trust me that diagnosis will mean getting the support or not. it shouldn't, a struggling child should be helped diagnosis or not, but funding means otherwise and trust me lack of funding and support can mean the difference between child succeeding or not (dd1 attended a grammar and left with not a single gcse due to lack of support due to lack of diagnosis).

Mummy0ftwo You'll be surprised. There are some children who have been misdiagnosed with Autism that I know. But that's for another thread.

Surely if you want to find out the "real cause" ( as you put it) you need to take him to the assessment to so that can be confirmed by the trained professionals.

I think it's best for your child if you go to the assessments.

I think it is incredibly selfish for a parent not to pursue a diagnosis because they cannot deal with the 'label'. Why is ASD the only diagnosis that is considered labelling? I have never heard of this in conjunction with any other medical issue.

just to be clearer its a multi disciplinary assessment because so many professionals and assessments are involved including ADOS - they wouldn't all be wrong.

My sibling is autistic and when we were young there was such little awareness of ASD and only on place in the country for diagnosis. As a result she was not diagnosed until she was 11. It was much easier in so many ways after her diagnosis, for her and for everyone around her.

I also worked with young autistic people for a while and it is very very common for parents to be in denial about their child's autism. There are lots of features of autism - including the fact that it is a spectrum disorder - that I think make it very hard to get your head around and ultimately accept if it is the case. Maybe this isn't you, but what's the harm in having the assessment if you child turns out not to be autistic.

My son went through the ADOS and multi disciplinary assessments this time last year, I honestly think that if your DS does not have autism then that's what they will find - if he does then he does.

Recognises emotions such as happy, sad, angry so age appropriate (chooses not to care)
Very socialable (overly so)
Does respond to name and conversation initian on his terms
All these my dd with asd does.

Continue to have him assessed. You are doing him no favours by any other course of action.