To be convinced this isn't autism

It can be common for parents with SEND children with ASD or ADHD related conditions to feel like the child has a psychological problem instead of the diagnosed condition. That's because their behaviour can often seem so violent and cruel that hate or sadism must be part of the motivation. It is normal to feel like that but these conditions can show in a child with these types of behaviour that you would never expect from someone so young. It isnt your fault and addressing sensory needs nearly always helps once you get to the bottom of their needs. I'm not trying to make it sound easy because it certainly isnt. Especially as a mum. It is a bit easier when you are a professional dealing with SEND kids.

At 5 I thought my DS had some traits but didnt fit the criteria for diagnosis. On his ADOS he scored 16. So I was clearly wrong... at 7 his ASD is far more obvious but because he has a diagnosis his school are supportive and adaptations are made, he is thriving and happy. Without his diagnosis it would be a very very different and much more difficult world.

Unlike other issues it is impossible to diagnose autism using a box ticking type exercise. The spectrum is HUGE. Every child with (or indeed without) an ASD diagnosis is completely different. I guarantee you there will be children who match your description above who will have ASD and equally others that match that will not.

I’ve spoken to professionals who carry out the diagnostic assessments and even they say that they don’t know the outcome after completing the assessment as they have to input the data to the computer for analysis.

Get the assessment. It is entirely possible that he has ASD AND something else (ASD is rarely an issue in isolation). It’s also entirely possible he doesn’t have ASD and that confirmation will assist you in moving forward to identify what the issue/s are.

Flamingo Not nonsense. Age 5 plus is late for a diagnosis. What does formal education have to do with it ? A child can display autistic traits very early on. Some parents are able to pick this up, some parents suspect something is amiss but wait till the child is older to confirm anything.

I should also add my DS has a dual diagnosis of ADHD. That came later. Both diagnoses have helped us and professional better understand his needs and strategies to support him. And at 15 yrs old, they are a crucial way for him to learn more about himself.

The one thing i do not understand OP is you are pretty sure your sons behaviour is not due to potential ASD and I think you are saying you wonder if it is because you have not taught him how to behave correctly.
I am sure you are doing everything you can to instil good behaviour into your child and stop him biting and lashing out at you so the very fact that this is not working means there is some other factor at play which needs to be considered. It is vitally important the assessment takes place because of this.
you are struggling with a young child, assume you decide to ignore the assessment, no light is ever shed and you are removing yourself from help pathways. What happens when you have a 13 year old son. If you cannot manage a small child now, but wont accept the option to see if there are issues or help that can explain and help, you will before that long find yourself alone with a man sized whirlwind, then what? You have never dealt with the problem. Accept help whilst you have the offer, it's not easy to come by. And if it isnt ASD, strategies to help the situation may also be given.
You arent doing your child justice if you remove him from the assessment system now as you are potentially removing opportunities which can make his life easier.
I just don't understand this.

Age 5 isn’t late for a diagnosis, omg what pish

OP you are on a roll so don’t cancel the assessment. Just get it done , tick it off , it’s hard enough to get to assessment stage for some.

Kee going with the assessment, OP. My DS was diagnosed at 5 yrs old after being ‘in the system’ for 2.5 years.

I won’t pretend his diagnosis was a magic solution to anything, but 10 years down the line I will say it’s been the key to unlocking a lot of support for him and for our family, and more recently for him starting to be able to understand himself.

My DS was also ‘atypical’. Very sociable as a small child, good eye contact, great verbal communication, met all his developmental milestones, a real little bright spark.

He struggled massively with sensory overload and really being able to read social cues as he got older and expectations for social interaction became more sophisticated and complex. His autism has become much more apparent.

I know it’s hard. It’s frustrating and scary. But keep going.

Why on earth would you cancel???
The bits that do fit outweigh the bits that don't. I have a child with autism who can recognise emotion, it is a broad spectrum and no two children with autism are the same.
The system is frustrating and long and drawn out but it's better to work with it than opt-out.

Very socialable (overly so)
Does respond to name and conversation initian on his terms

I'd put those into the "Bits that fit" list. Being overly sociable is indicative of a lack of understanding of social boundaries, and only responding on his terms is an ASD trait. None of it is conclusive, of course. I think you'd really regret cancelling assessments.

My dd was placed in the 1st percentile for overall autism severity. The specialists say that she has more in common with neurotypical people than with most people on the autism spectrum, but that her rigidity and sensory issues are in the 50th percentile of the autism spectrum so she qualifies. She does need help on those issues and I am glad to have it, but I’m not remotely worried about her future.

I think it was easier when they distinguished between aspergers and autism because the spectrum is so very wide.

would like ASD ruled out so I can focus on the real cause that my child enjoys hurting me

You will only conclusively rule out ASD by going to the assessments. If it is not ASD, you will at least then have very comprehensive documentation of his issues. Which could lead to other diagnoses and help.

I have to say, though, that my DS with ASD presented exactly as yours at the age of 5. And he was also very violent to me. Having the diagnosis and staying in "the system" really helped me to get support when he became a teen and his violence incredibly damaging.

I would take all help offered and allow the experts to guide you. Thinking you know better than them will not put you in a strong position to get help when you really need them.

Your DS is 5 ! I'm sorry to say but that it considered late for a diagnosis. Most children get diagnosed at 2 or 3 years of age.

Nonsense. Many parents don’t realises that there is anything different about their child until they start more formal education at 5. I’ve known many parents who have been turned away by the doctor and told to come back when their child is 6 or 7.

My son with asd laughs if he hurts me, he's said it just comes out his mouth he doesn't think it's funny. He will also squeeze my hand really hard so it hurts if he's somewhere that's too much for him and he can't cope with it.

@Confusedmum1511 It sounds very tough for you and I am so sorry. It is tough.

My DD is on the spectrum and it makes life very challenging for her, and me.

I would not cancel because you need to find out what they are going
to say.

@Absoluteunit "Your DS may really need the support that diagnosis hopefully brings some day." Can I ask if you have a child with autism and if so what support your child with autism gets, please?

In fact does anyone have any info on support?

Personally, I would really recommend the 'All Things Autism' course, from Autism Family Support.

You described my DD (5) in your OP. She was diagnosed with ASD two years ago. I find her behaviour is changing as she's maturing. The assessments will rule out anything and give you (both) peace of mind and you can focus on the level of support you may need.

Two0ddsocks You can definitely diagnose children with ASD at two or three years of age. The multitude of children that I work with, well where the LA I work on, most have been diagnosed at three years of age, a few at 2. High functioning or low functioning does not come into it.

You should go.

A diagnosis (if appropriate) will not change the way you care for your son or his life day to day. But it may well help him receive funding for any support he may need in school in the future.

My DS1 has ASD (Aspergers diagnosis), but is very high functioning. His diagnosis helped him to get support through high school & a scribe for some of his GCSEs.

*dont rule it ou

Please do not cancel the assessments; you've nothing to lose by going.

All the reasons you give to rule it out, do. It rule it out.

I would go for the assessments, a diagnosis is not given lightly

Just to reiterate what other posters have said.. it's not a label, it's a diagnosis. If your child had a broken leg you wouldn't keep them away from a & e in case they were 'labelled' as having a broken leg. Why is ASD a 'label' and something to be ashamed of unlike any other medical condition?
Once you know what you are dealing with you can fight for the best support - it's not easy with a diagnosis and even harder without. And you can help your son understand why he feels different.
Sending all my best to you both. X

Please don't cancel your assessments.

My DD wasn't diagnosed until she was a young adult. Her "symptoms" as a child were explained away (basically ignored) and, whilst she is high functioning, it would have been good to have had a diagnosis much earlier - and enabled us to cope better, and be more understanding, of her behaviour.

I'm 58 and currently in the midst of all the medical humming and hawing re diagnosis. A diagnosis would help me enormously rather than go through life with so much difficulty than I regularly self-harm in desperation. I am very sociable on the surface, over-empathetic, and have post-graduate qualifications yet tick so many other boxes and traits. An early diagnosis might have prevented all the agony of never fitting in with school or work.

This sounds almost exactly like my ASD child. In fact, if I saw this thread without the title, I'd think you were asking if we thought it was rather than if it wasn't.