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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
64sNewName · 19/12/2019 18:28

Well, this thread is an eye-opener.

I prefer to be self-sufficient so I wouldn’t hint and I honestly don’t expect anyone around me to offer favours, lifts, biscuits. Of course sometimes they do, and it’s a nice surprise. But I am happier when my relationships with people are free from game-playing or secret petty motives on either side.

Anyway nobody owes anyone else a lift, fgs. Wouldn’t occur to me to judge someone as selfish or oblivious for not being a mind-reader and offering.

Flip side of this is that I had no idea some people out there are actually speaking in code when they mention the weather, hoping they will be offered a lift. It sounds ridiculously indirect and almost comical.

Turquoise123 · 19/12/2019 18:23

Very kind of you to give her a lift . Very odd of her to complain about it.

Drum2018 · 19/12/2019 18:23

Oh well, after your last update you should definitely give her a wide berth and stuff your face with Jaffa cakes while watching her drool all over her desk. Sounds like she should still be in primary school.

winniestone37 · 19/12/2019 17:56

Is hinting really the worst someone can do? Sure it sounds annoying, but really you had to come to mumsnet and write a mini novel on it. It feels like the person with an issue here is you I’m afraid, get a grip.

ddl1 · 19/12/2019 17:47

I do think that you should not have snapped at her in front of others, but should have had a private word with her. By exactly the same token, however, she should have brought up how she felt with you, and not with another colleague. Especially as you did offer her a lift.

Groovee · 19/12/2019 17:45

She’s a grown woman... use your words!!! She needs to get a grip!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 19/12/2019 17:39

Yes - chuck her an apology but be glad you did it as she might stop the silly behaviour now. On the other hand - I would have offered a life immediately, to anyone, if I went by their home anyway, in those circumstances, shame she had to hint.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 17:11

RedShoes no need to be snarky, I read it as there were two options and you would do the second! To be honest I think whinging about the weather rather than explicitly asking (eg. ' the weather is miserable, sorry to be pain but would you mind giving me a lift home? I will of course pay for fuel') is actually pretty rude 🤷🏼‍♀️

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 15:53

if you read the bening properly I wrote I would say 'oh no it is hailing outside' rather then 'can I have a lift
Some decent people would notice it was hailing outside realising you travel by bus and offer a lift without you having to hint.
Others live in their own bubbles and only consider themself, some love to be asked.
Personally I wouldn't hint or ask if they didn't offer seeing it was lashing then they didn't want to.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 15:47

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon if you read the bening properly I wrote I would say 'oh no it is hailing outside' rather then 'can I have a lift .......'

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 15:24

RedApple in your lift example you specifically say 'please could I have a lift?' This is not a hint, this is a question! That's not what the thread is about, so I'd stop worrying about that! I know anxiety can be really tough, but this thread is about people dropping hints as a way of getting what they want, what you just described is somebody asking for a favour

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 15:21

I haven't rtft. When she told you about her car why didn't you offer the lift.
There is a reason maybe learnt behaviour that she won't ask directly.
You're friends I'd automatically say that is shit sure I'm going your way I'll drop you home. No awkward pussy footing around.
If you weren't having a bad day you would not have snapped.

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 15:16

Why is everyone assuming that she will irritate other people too?

This is the reaction of most people on this thread-I think possibly it’s you who are unusual here.

Dutch1e · 19/12/2019 15:14

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 it's not really your place to assume other people don't know how to say "no."

Much more respectful of a person's time and abilities to simply say "the weather's shit, will you drop me home after work?"

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 14:54

@Howyiz I do realise that and I do realise it is due to certain things that have happened but I am working on it

Howyiz · 19/12/2019 14:23

And I mean that in a nice way!

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2019 14:23

Going by your update I find her even more annoying now Grin

Howyiz · 19/12/2019 14:23

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 you need to get some help with your anxiety. That level of bowing down to others is not normal.

purpleme12 · 19/12/2019 13:50

I'm sorry but I would find that incredibly annoying and would get fed up of it

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:49

Because it comes out of the household account as it is a date and not my own personal account. If I said I will transfer it back fiancé will then tell me not to be silly but I still feel bad

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:47

@fedup21 because they can then ask what I want to do which I want to try avoid as I want ti suit what other people want

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 13:22

its more to make sure to keep the bill even as if out with fiancé it comes out of the joined account so I don't want to order king prawn starter and lobster main with a cocktail if all he is having is dough balls, cesar salad and a diet coke etc. I feel guilty etc.

Why not just say, ‘are people having starters or just mains?’

Then pudding is decided after you’ve had your main course anyway?!

None of your social anxieties seem to have anything to do with the hinting the OP is referring to though.

Jengnr · 19/12/2019 13:10
  • its more to make sure to keep the bill even as if out with fiancé it comes out of the joined account so I don't want to order king prawn starter and lobster main with a cocktail if all he is having is dough balls, cesar salad and a diet coke etc. I feel guilty etc.

If out with others if it is the first time I have no clue how they want to split the bill that is most convenient for them do they want to split evenly, each pay for own, take turns? I want to know what is easiest for them. If we each pay own it could take longer to sort the bill maybe they just want to take turns so we can just pay and leave without faffing about. So to keep it simple I try to match the cost*

That’s not that simple. Why not just say ‘my lobster and martini cost more so I’ll chuck some more in’

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 12:44

What my MiL would do is sit there at the dinner table like the rest of us who are all helping ourselves to a buffet-style meal and say, ‘oh look-I’ve got an empty plate and you all have got things on your plates!’

What she wants is to sit there whilst we all hold each plate near her so she can take what she wants off them rather than getting off her arse and helping herself like the rest of us. She’s not old or infirm, she’s just a complete princess.

Goodness. After a few goes of that sort of behaviour, I'm afraid I'd say "Buffet's over there, MiL" and leave her to it - empty plate and all.

lovemenorca · 19/12/2019 12:26

She wanted OP to offer, so that she could feel valued, or special in some way. She wants the OP to offer to share her Jaffa cakes because she wants to feel like OP cares for her.

She wanted the OP to offer because then she wouldn’t have to go to the effort of womaning up and being direct.
She wanted the Op to offer to share her Jaffa’s because she likes Jaffa cakes but doesn’t go to effort or buying herself.