Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

Sorry redapple, but there’s nothing remotely confrontational about a genuinely polite, reasonable direct request.

If you suspect it’s not entirely reasonable, that’s different, of course - but then you just shouldn’t be trying to make it happen! It doesn’t mean you fall back on hinting.

What you are suggesting seems mainly about avoiding any responsibility for expressing your wishes, all in the name of “politeness”. But it isn’t actually more polite, or nicer for the other person. It puts the burden on them to ask, while you get to maintain the image of being far too considerate to dream of asking for a favour. That’s manipulative, and many people find it irritating.

@FeeLock28 while the hinter in this situation was cheeky (should buy a day ticket rather then expect a lift) depending on time and area a 45 minute walk can seem daunting if it is badly lit with a lot of back alleys etc and depending on weather

BlueSwathesChoose (brilliant name!) is absolutely right. This woman is incredibly manipulative, hence going to a third person to make you feel bad for reacting when it's quite clear she was behaving badly.

If you feel like apologising, do so - but don't say after it, " ... but you really annoyed me ...", as that will just keep the situation complicated. I'd distance myself from her because she can either pay for her own lunch or bring sandwiches. And put aside enough money for a bus/emergency taxi. Besides which, a 45-minute walk is not exactly a day's march!

The fact that it is ongoing behavior from a a co-worker who chose not to buy a return on the bus really does scream manipulative user who plans ahead.

Don’t you think it was a bit cheeky of her not to buy a return ticket when she came in on the bus, though, @Featherweight? To me, that sounds like she was planning to hint her way to a lift home - it’s a a bit premeditated for me.

While I hate hinters (my nanna was a prolific hinter and it drove me round the bloody bend!) if someone I consider to be a friend said their car had broken down and they'd had to get the bus that morning, and I knew it wasn't really going out of my way, I'd just offer a lift. I wouldn't wait for hints, or direct asks.

To be honest it sounds like because you know she's a hinter you deliberately left her to hint over several hours to torment her.

The food thing - she can bring her own so that's just grabby and lazy. But giving a lift due to broken down car is a bit more of a thing a friend would offer anyway, rather than dragging out her predicted hunting. You essentially wound yourself up in this situation.

I used to do this.

when i was about 11.

It would be different if you knew her really well and it was an in-joke between you.

@64sNewName depending on how often hints are done and in what way then yes they can be cheeky too but I do still see it as a less confrontational way

Not everyone is blunt or cheeky enough to "just ask".

But it’s no less cheeky or rude to drop broad hints!

If I felt embarrassed to ask for something, I’d listen to my instincts and just not ask OR hint - I’d manage without it. We can all live without an unexpected lift or a Jaffa Cake.

And if it’s something you really, properly need because of an unexpected significant change of plan or whatever, then there is no shame in asking politely (directly as opposed to bluntly), whereas hinting is pointless game-playing.

You don't need to apologise. Hopefully the hinting will stop.

Fuck an apology.

If she’s that upset she can stop mooching off you

Not everyone is blunt or cheeky enough to "just ask". Some were brought up not to "beg" or whatever.

Me, I don't care, I'll go right for the throat, but that's me, and I don't expect others to be.forward like me.

Having said that, I have mental health issues, and will occasionally (and generally out.of character) snap, and say similar, but even I don't shout it in the staff room.

The Jaffa situation can so be solved by.... Help yourself, but be quick or I'll eat the lot!

You KNEW she'd hint about a lift home... Yet, instead of offering, you made them sweat, and hint at you like she always does....YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. instead of being a friend, and.offering, you waited, so you could take out on her, that.youre stressed n pissed.off, as you had no other easy target to rage at.

Whatever her fave biscuits are (guessing Jaffa cakes) take in a pack tomorrow, and apologise.

Then later while eating lunch, say why you set on her, but.... I know you don't like asking for things, but I'd rather you just asked, my XH was a hinter (blame him anyways) and to be honest it grates me, I got brought.up.to just ask.

If she brings it up ever again in earshot of anyone else in the office, ask her nice and loudly if she got your apology and if she accepts it, as you haven't heard back from her about it.

I'm not sure why she needed to hint.

If one of work friends told me they had car problems and it wasn't too out of my way I'd have immediately offered a lift home.

Perhaps she thinks of you as more of a friend than you do her

I notice that the woman in question was upset - but not too upset to accept the lift that @Newuser1234567 offered.

YANBU.

She's incredibly annoying and to dish dirt about you afterwards with someone else is horrible.

In light of her victim playing, I would avoid this woman from now on. She is a troublemaker.

Never give her a lift, and do not share lunch ever again.

Watch your back.

Your colleague isn’t a friend, she is a CF. The problem is she doesn’t like being called out on it.

Forget it. Everyone else will have the measure of her, exactly the same as you do.

No loss OP. She’s a whinging victim type by the sounds of it!

Of course, if she changes her behaviour and always asks for lifts and jaffa cakes directly , you'll feel pressurised to oblige, whether you want to give them or not!

Maybe just say you were quite off as you like people being straight not hinting they want something as your sorry for snapping

I lose a little bit of respect for people who hint tbh. Not general hinting but the puppy dog incessant kind you mentioned.

My hinter does it about spending time with me as a friend but usually in an inconvenient way for me. It is odd and I decided if they don't ask me directly then I won't accept any form of hint. In this case it messes me about and allows them to act all wounded that I didn't take them up on their hint and or act sad while hinting, never mind that I might actually have plans or prefer to do nothing. They made this bed so they can lie in it and not expect me to jump to please them.

I had words with them which they accepted but the rot has set in now.

So yanbu.

I'd just ignore all her hints and sad eyes.

And if she found the cajones to try to scrounge from me, I'd say no. Every single time.

Can't be doing with that guilt tripping shit.

YANBU. She's a grown woman with a tongue in her head. I'm afraid I'd have done the same

what a CF. Wants a lift, hints at it rather than asking. You snap but then AGREE TO GIVE HER A LIFT and she goes bitching about you behind your back! I would be apologising for offending her but also then telling her not to ask again as, if she has a problem with you, you would prefer her to say it TO YOU and not to other people. Shes made you out to be nasty while still then getting into your car for a free ride.

I think an apology is more than enough. At least now she knows to just say what she means instead of pussy footing about. People like that drive me up the wall and I would have snapped just like you