Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

Btw, are you a parent redapple? Do you stick up for your DCs, or do you sacrifice their needs to your desire to play the perpetual 'good little girl' too?

Yes, I wondered this. You are setting a dreadful and very confused example to your kids if so.

well I didn't ask the other colleague to text you

That was a missed opportunity

Reply should have been

“Isn’t that the problem. You never just ask. But I bet you hinted”

OH and I want to try the new Italian

In what language does that mean Can you baby sit on Saturday night

No wonder hinting goes over my head.

Btw, are you a parent redapple? Do you stick up for your DCs, or do you sacrifice their needs to your desire to play the perpetual 'good little girl' too?

Sorry if that seems unkind but it's an important point. Children need parents who can assert themselves on the child's behalf, even if they cannot do it for themselves.

I just think interacting with you must be exhausting redapple The constant need to be vigilant for hints, nuance and subtext. All that would either fly over my head, or feel as though I was tiptoeing through a minefield of hints, expectations and disappointments.

All that nonsense about waiting for other people to tell you if you're allowed a drink, or a starter, too, instead of saying 'shall we have a drink? are we having a starter?'. You're an adult, an equal partner, not a concubine. You're placing a huge burden of 'being the grown up' upon your partner.

The irony of your self-described 'people-pleasing' tendencies is that they don't please people. They demand attention and place a burden upon the people who have to 'look after you', make your decisions for you, and act to protect your couple and family time when you won't do it.

if next door asked me 'can you babysit on friday?' I feel bad for saying no anfld text 'let me check with fiancé' so then have actually said to fiancé 'do you mind if we have the pizza movie night another night x wants me to babysit. So my inability to say no changed both mine and DPs plans as I hate saying no. If she went 'oh me and y want to go see this movie/try that new italian' I can text a casual 'oh great let me know what it was like x' sorted without having to reject anyone

This is 100% martyr territory. If you need something from me then the onus is on you to ask me directly not for me to be forced to offer especially if you're expecting me to understand that your conversation is actually highly encoded hints at things you want me to do.

"OH and I want to try the new Italian"

"Me too, a friend of mine went recently and their pasta carbonara is apparently to die for! You'll have to let me know what its like when you go."

VS

"OH and I want to try the new Italian this Friday. Can you babysit?"

Free with no plans = "Yep no problem, what time should I come over?"

Free but need a minute to make a considered decision = "What time?"/"Let me check my diary and get back to you" ... "Yep, I'm free to babysit/sorry, already have plans,"

Have plans = "Sorry, I'm not free that night. I'm free next weekend/Saturday though if you need a babysitter one of those nights instead"

mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping

This is not healthy, assuming that people want things from you whenever you interact with them and they mention their plans for the day.

I would have ignored the hinting to be honest. Can't bear that.
Her: "I have a 43 minute walk..."
Me: "Oh well, at least it's not raining! / good thing you brought a brolly!"

Her: "I don't know if I have the bus fare!"
Me: 'How much are you short? I'll lend you the fare"

Her: "I'm really hungry, I didn't bring much lunch"
Me: "Oh thats a shame. What are you having for dinner? You'll be hungry for it!"

etc etc.

mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping

It really doesn’t mean that for most people. There honestly isn’t a hidden, secret hinted meaning behind every piece of casual chat.

That's not how it works though in many cases redapple because hinters are often guilting you into getting you to do what they want. This is why people feel uncomfortable about it. Because there is that underlying sense of guilt when you ignore them. Whereas a straightforward question is much easier to answer. The only people who struggle with direct questions are those who haven't learnt to be assertive. And just read this thread, people find your hinting approach on the whole much more irritating than someone being direct.

They haven't ruined your fiancés plans by asking, you have by not saying no

This x 1000.

You need to stop being a pushover and say no.

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon is right

But RedApple, there's no need to martyr yourself it's very simple, if you can't say no for a valid reason, you can fib and make up one or say 'oh I'll ask fiancé' but then say it doesn't work for you. They haven't ruined your fiancés plans by asking, you have by not saying no! 😂😂

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987
Surely to make conversation

If someone wanted me to do something I would expect them to ask. I definitely would not think oh childcare from that

@64sNewName
Nice to myself being quoted, I had hoped I'd be quoted in large print in a broadsheet newspaper, but Mumsnet, will do for starters! lol

Just because you are are more than happy to just ask, doesn't mean that people who are afraid to "just ask" are controllers for hinting. It's just as easy to say no to someone for those that as yourself are quite keen to.

At no point was the op forced to yell at the woman, nor was she obliged to then offer the lift.
.....
Separate comment.
I find on the whole, a lot of women come on here to whine about something minor, just to get approval from others, that their bad attitude was not being unreasonable.

Wouldn't it be great, if, the last week before Christmas we shared nice things.

There's plenty I could share about people I was mean to, and want reassurance, I was not being mean, but I know I was mean or at least blunt n possibly rude.

However, I don't need others to tell me, if I was good or bad, as being an adult, I know... That's from someone with a personality disorder, where I can't stop myself from saying things quite loudly.. eg, bloody hell, someone needs to wash before they leave the house, while I'm sat on a bus going to a hospital appointment. Or , fuck me, why not just smack into me, while you go past. Or , you're fucking welcome, when I as a disabled person with a walker hold a door open or let someone pass.

Come on, mnetters, it's CHRISTMAS for fucks sake, share some cheer or something funny.

@purpleme12 why else mention it. You know y has kids that will need to be watched and if it's at night depending on age they won't be joining so mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping

redapple why are you projecting your issues on to the OP?

If someone said 'we want to try that new Italian' it wouldn't occur to me they were hinting they wanted a babysitter anyway to be honest

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon I can see your point but for example if next door asked me 'can you babysit on friday?' I feel bad for saying no anfld text 'let me check with fiancé' so then have actually said to fiancé 'do you mind if we have the pizza movie night another night x wants me to babysit. So my inability to say no changed both mine and DPs plans as I hate saying no. If she went 'oh me and y want to go see this movie/try that new italian' I can text a casual 'oh great let me know what it was like x' sorted without having to reject anyone

But RedApple, if you ask for a lift, they can say something along the lines of 'sorry, that won't work for me, I've got to go to xyz so can't take you.' If you're banging on about the weather and hinting, they have to get into 'oh sorry, I would take you but I can't.' And then you can pretend you weren't asking and the whole thing is so awkward! Why not just be upfront? At least with a direct question it's over and done with soon and no guessing what other people mean.

Yanbu, it might teach your colleague to stop constantly being on the want, ice had people like that in my social circle it got to the point I knew they were constantly after stuff whether it was a cigarette, money lift etc.

see now if she was laying it on thick about how long itd take to walk, id be like yeah, 40 minutes is quite a walk, why dont you ask if you can finish early so you can get a head start...but im not one for pandering to guilt trippers either. I would give her a lift if she just simply said somethinglike.. thats on your way home, wouldyou mind if I jumped in? nope, no problem, ill wait for you by the car at home time.

She's a CF who has figured out that if she doesn't ask directly she can't be called out on it. After all, you offered. The fact that she makes things uncomfortable if you don't offer doesn't figure into it.

As for immediately offering a lift then no, you (or I anyway) wouldn't automatically. If you both finish at exactly the same time, neither of you want to stay 5 minutes late to finish up (she's definitely the type to stand there with her coat on), you don't want to stop anywhere, it doesn't mean any detour to your route at all making you later home, then maybe. But in this instance I probably wouldn't because she certainly seems to be all take and anyone trying to get hold of MY jaffa cakes would get short shrift!

Don't get me wrong, I can and do give lifts. If I spot someone could do with one or if they ask directly. If they try to manipulate me they can forget it.

Get tin awfully tired of faux " sad but obviously highly manipulative souls.

OK redapple. If you think most people would recoil from saying a polite no, but will somehow be perfectly comfortable resisting your obvious hints, you crack on. I think you may be misjudging how you come across.

@64sNewName It is more confrontational because no matter how polite it puts the other person in s situation where they will have to give a direct NO. Some people and indeed some cultures are not comfortable saying no as it is also seen as too confrontational etc. Not everyone is comfortable saying no so will still do a favour even if it puts a massive burden on them