Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

We don't have many official photographs with our families because we told the photographer we didn't want that type of photography.

We don't have many formal shots either I cannot stand forced posing and I didn't want guests stuck waiting for hours whilst photos were being taken, I don't think this approach is unusual. I also think natural in the moment shots are much nicer memories.

Yes. Look back at what you have said, your family was involved, I assume her brothers are your sins, ,her dad, you say you only split last year? your niece, your sister, your mum, all there, all involved in some way, as your daughter wanted

Ok photos maybe an issue bit you should have sorted that on the day,

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your daughter has the day she wished and that’s what should matter to you

You’ve had a lousy year and looking through the wedding album - which is a sentimental thing anyway - you felt you’ve missed out on an important moment being captured on film. It’s understandable that when you’ve had a year of emotional upheaval you’re feeling vulnerable and feeling a bit lost and disconnected. I’d guess that’s why you were looking through the album. Yes, your daughter could have asked for the photos to be taken and organised flowers but it’s also possible that she assumed, as you did, that the photographer would take a bride-with-mother shot as standard. The flowers would be easy to overlook and you know it wasn’t personal as the groom’s grandmother didn’t have any either.

Weddings and the planning of are very rarely the film ideal of the mother with a tear in her eye watching the daughter try on the dress and an emotional hug when the mother hands over the family heirloom earrings for the daughter to wear on her big day. We can get caught up in what should be and that can only lead to disappointment because they’re often much more about arguments over guest lists and tears because, after all the stress of trying to make things perfect, who is going to collect Great Uncle Dennis becomes strangely vital. It’s sad that you didn’t get that photo but was the wedding nice? Did your daughter look happy? How were the speeches? Was the food good? Was there dancing? Focusing on what was missing can overshadow all the good memories if you let it.

Why not have your belated ‘hen do.’ Set aside the disappointments, avoid recriminations and ask your daughter and her aunt round for the evening. No expectations, just a bottle of wine and some time to talk, just the three of you.

If my daughter was happy and had a special day, I’d be happy. I appreciate your view about photos and I agree but you’ve left it too late to say anything now.

You also could’ve been more proactive. It was her wedding, why should she organise a mini hen with you? That was your opportunity to do something special.

Like other posters I think you seem way too obsessed with what you want and your role and your importance.

We don't have many official photographs with our families because we told the photographer we didn't want that type of photography.

If any family emailed our photographer a year later because they didn't like how little they featured in OUR wedding photos I'd be really pissed off

I do understand why you're sad about the photos, it would be nice to have a photo with your daughter on her wedding day. All the rest of it wouldn't bother me at all. Your daughter and her husband chose where to get married and you have to respect their decision (it was their wedding after all). As for the hen night, well... You can have a night out another time. Maybe your daughter just had too much going on. I didn't have a hen night, can't see the appeal myself. We got married just the two of us (and 2 witnesses) in a registry office and reading posts like this I'm so relieved we did!! I can't be doing with worrying about who should have corsages, table favours, seating plans etc. What a nightmare! My parents weren't even invited to my wedding which they understood as they knew we wanted it to be just the 2 of us. They've never been offended by this. My dad just joked that he was relieved as it saved him a lot of expense! Unless you have other issues with your daughter you need to move on from these disappointments.

I think the wedding photographer fucked up. Some are shockingly bad at their jobs. It really isn’t rocket science for them to do bride’s side, groom’s side, all the men, all the women, couple with parents etc.

Maybe you could take him up on the free photo shoot?

It’s a shame you didn’t get a date your daughter was free and organise a lovely meal with her and your sister. Maybe you still could?

I think weddings can be minefields for causing offence. Be glad you were there!

Her family were heavily involved, as you describe.

I think you're right about the photos, it is a bit suprising not have one of you and your daughter - or at least all of your family with the B&G, or both sets of parents with the B&G. If they went down traditional posed photo route that is. Some people opt for a more informal approach.

If they did do posed photos, the B&G will have instructed the photographer and provided a list of photos they wanted. They are tehrefore the people to discuss this with. It's odd that you went straight to the photographer.

As for the rest, there is no 'standard' approach to weddings that happens every time. Some people place more emphasis on some bits, others on others. Some are into flowers, others music, others cake, others getting everyone dancing. So corsages for the mothers... no. Not a reasonable expectation. Maybe some people do that. I've never seen or heard of it.

Contrary to your firmly held belief, scientists are now certain that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around you. I hope this helps.

Oh god your post has resonated so much with me, and not in a good way. My own mum said something similar, a couple of years after my wedding. She was menopausal and her sense of self was way off kilter. She came out with all sorts about how she felt undervalued, both used and not asked to do enough and there was too much emphasis on other people rather than her. We have a video of it that disproves most of her complaints but even that didn’t help. It was awful, she ruined my memories of what I had believed to be a beautiful day.

I’m not suggesting you are menopausal, but it does sound like your focus is a little off. I understand you have had a horrible time of things, but don’t lash out at the wrong thing.

I’m 57 and have never heard of wedding corsages for anyone in a U.K. wedding party although I realise other countries have them.

YABVU OP. It was so low down on your list of priorities that it’s taken you a year to notice this so it is would be totally out of proportion to say anything about it now.

The Mother’s Day photo shoot is a lovely idea - that could be a very special day for you and your daughter.

I agree that lots of people have ditched corsages for the women; for two good reasons:

1. Cost
2. Lots of people don't like having them because they can look shit on an expensive and carefully chosen outfit. They are old fashioned and as corsages match the wedding colours and flowers rather than the outfit of the participant, your deep coral dress and wrap might be attacked by blush pink roses. It's not a problem with the men as they all wear grey or blue matching suits.

I didn’t know corsages were a thing either. Even buttonholes seem like a bit of a waste of money.

OP, you sound like hard work to be honest. My MIL gets a bit like this. She won’t tackle her actual problems, but out of the blue will find some fault with something that happened months ago that we can’t do anything about. (i.e. not inviting her to a school play because there were no spare tickets). I really hope your DD doesn’t know you’re complaining to the photographer, I’d be mortified!

I think you've been getting a hard time from some posters on this.

I had a similar experience but in my case it wasn't a wedding , but the birth of my son.

When he was born, many photographs were taken and I saw them and life moved on.

It wasn't until much later when I looked at them all again and realised that my face didn't appear in any of the newborn hospital photographs. My arms and my body were in the photos but not my face. Other peoples faces were taken in photos with the baby, and there were some of just the baby, but none of my face with my baby.

I'm not sure how that happened. I'd just had a baby so I wasn't up for being director of photography at the time. I never said anything about it but it still rankles a bit.

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. I got married last year and neither my mum nor my MIL had corsages. I didn't know that was a thing

I can't believe you emailed the photographer, what are they supposed to do about it now?

sounds very reasonable, the photographer might very well have kept unworked or less great photos and have 1 or 2 of the mother of the bride and her daughter. Why not ask just in case?

Why didn't I realise about the photos not being taken? I was taken up with the whole day, going from one thing to the next, it's always rather mad on wedding days, isn't it?

Yes which is why your daughter, the bride, probably forgot to ensure she had a photograph taken with you.

You are seeing problems that don't exist, is there something deeper going on here? You sound very unhappy and perhaps that is causing you to view the wedding and your relationship with your daughter in a negative way.

I get it, it would have been nice to have a photo of you with the your daughter and with the pair of them. If a photographer is a traditional wedding photographer, s/he will get these groups into a shot at sometime after the ceremony and before the breakfast. But if your DD and her DH asked for a more reportage approach, ie take shots of everyone mingling and chatting, then it's a shame that neither of you stopped to grab each other and take a photo together. Perhap the groom's Dad did exactly this.

All the stuff about you were a dogsbody and you should have been special is bollocks. Your DD was the special person, and the groom.

But the wedding went well, everyone gets on in the families, your DD is happy, that's the main thing right?

Op, you sound very overwhelmed with all that’s been going on in your life. I know the wedding didn’t turn out as you’d have liked, but as gently as possible it wasn’t your day.
It sound like your stress levels are making you see all the negatives, remembering all the things you didn’t have not the involvement you did.
I got married in July and we have no pics of just me and my mum, and she didn’t have flowers, and this was with her paying for lots of it. So I don’t think you got off too badly.
Did you enjoy the day at the time?

By the way you write you sound stressed from what’s been going in your life, do you have any support or people you can offload to? A counsellor can be a good neutral person to talk to.

It's happened now...a year ago. I can't believe you emailed the photographer, what are they supposed to do about it now? If it is about the lack of photos go and have the family photoshoot. Utterly ridiculous to complain now.

It was not your day. The special part is being invited to witness your beloved child having the most special day of her life, not having your photo taken and wearing some flowers.

My MIL moans constantly about how she wasn't on the top table and wasn't in many photos at her daughters wedding (5 years ago). She wasn't invited to our wedding. There is no pleasing some people so we didn't bother trying.

Posters are unfair

YANBU a little bit, of course any mum would be sad not to have photos with her kids. A photo of the bride and mother and the bride would have been nice.

OP, don't get too upset, if you didn't realise until now, I bet neither did your daughter. Weddings go so quickly, you don't have time to really notice anything, don't take it personally.

I do not know any mother of the bride who had any accessory or wore anything to say "mother of the bride". The majority is just wearing the best outfit they'll ever have, and quite a few have a massive hat.

Just look at Carole Middleton outfits on her daughters weddings. That's how most mother of the bride I now looked (with possibly cheaper outfits).

I can understand why you feel upset in light of everything that has happened to you recently. I think there are two key things you can do.

1 - do not articulate your feelings to your daughter. All it will do is cause a rift and there is nothing to be gained from it. She can't turn the clock back and do it differently.

2 - organise some nice things that you and your daughter can do together. Tell her that you're missing your mum and you value time spent with her. Perhaps you can have a regular dinner date with her or book in a day out or weekend away. I am sure you can get past your feelings if you look to the future and build your relationship with your daughter.

I don't understand why you think it's fine that you didn't notice you didn't have pictures because 'weddings are a bit mad' but you think your daughter not noticing is thoughtless when surely the day is a lot more crazy for her and she's taken 800 photos already?

Double standards. I think that you're a bit sensitive right now and that's OK, but don't go causing a ruckus with your daughter a YEAR down the line. I'd be very hurt by that if I was your daughter.

I think your looking for an outlook for your emotions if that’s the right wording. You’ve obviously had a lot to deal with recently emotionally and I think your using your daughters wedding as a reason to get angry and to let your emotions out.

It was her wedding, aslong as she and her husband had the perfect day who cares about anybody else?