Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

Op. Your post isn't very nice though. Helping your daughter on her wedding day is something most mother's wish to do. To then, using your own words, say you feel like you were a dogsbody and not made to feel special because it was your day too is really not very nice.

I think we are all hoping whatever has caused you issues over the last year is causing you to focus on the wrong thing, because other than a photo on the day, there is nothing for you to complain about here. And even the photos, you could have said.

Are you in fact my mother?

This is the same discussion I had with my mother at least a year after my wedding; the same mother who shouted at our photographer (DH’s best friend), and said she didn’t want any photographs taking unless they were in large group shots, and then has wheeled this out as a stick to beat me with ever since. Even down to the “dogsbody” comments in-laws offered to help, bridesmaids did help! But no, apparently, what should’ve happened, is I should’ve been outside in the marquee, red faced and sweating on my wedding day laying tables and setting out buffet cards. I was “selfish” for getting my hair and make up done before her on my own wedding day! It’s now a big “thing” and she’s continued to create such an atmosphere about it that I could throttle her!

You’re entitled to feel hurt, because it’s your perception that you weren’t “made to feel special enough”. You’ve clearly had a very hard time of it lately, and you’re maybe mulling things over in an unhealthy fashion. You need to make your peace with it, and let it go.

What you aren’t entitled to do, is ruin your daughters happy memories; she will never forgive you for that.

I can sympathise as mother of the groom.
Although, I have attended the Hen party which was brilliant.
The Brides family are having hair and make up on the day at the venue. We have to travel miles and won't have time to visit/ someone come to the house, so I'm on my own with that.
The men are all hiring suits to match and as the father of the groom dh hasn't been asked to join them, he just has to buy a suit and hope it's a good match.
You just have to remember it's their day and it's only one day.

YABU

Corsages - no, it's not usual for the mother of the bride or any other women to receive these. Buttonholes are just for the groom, ushers and other key men, eg father of bride/father of groom. You were not hard done by or left out, it's just what is usually done. If you wanted flowers on your dress (but who does this?) you should have arranged it yourself.

Hen party - not usual for the mother of the bride to attend - or to want to attend actually. It's normally just the bride, bridesmaids, sisters and close friends. Someone from the older generation might cramp their style!

Photo - here I can see why you are upset, but why didn't you say something on the day? There is no point focusing on it now. Also, can it really be that important if on the day you didn't give it a thought?

You should feel good about the help you gave your dd in the wedding preparations. That's what really counts.

Glad you're not my mother.

I should have asked for flowers - only now I'm thinking about these things. Not a big deal, I know.

And your DD probably didn't think either, being the bride and trying to organise a wedding. Something will always fail.
Give her a break.

I wouldn't have contacted the photographer, tbh. For me it would have been water under the bridge.
In a way, you are just as much at fault as your DD and the photographer if there aren't photos of the two together. It's just one of these things.

@athenagoddessofwar - so you would be happy with a photographer that took more photos of your DP’s family than yours and ignored your mum altogether?

The photographer doesn't necessarily choose the formal or group shots, a list is normally sent ahead of time by the bride and groom, I think.

I'd be very angry at my mother bypassing me and speaking to the photographer, especially if I'd been happy with the service.

Maybe you can get more involved when she marries for the second time! I think my MIL was hoping for this but DH and I eloped as we’d both hated the big circus the first time around... as others have said, it was her day, move on.

I don’t know that corsages etc for female relatives are really a thing where I am (England) more an American thing.

Re, “..my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do.” I’ve never heard of this either separate hen dos.

I think it is good you contacted the photograpther, good on you.

I can't get passed the fact you contacted the photographer tbh

OP,

I would so go back to your DD with a happy face and voice and ask her would she check with everyone do they have any informal photos of the two of you on the day.

Far nicer than any of my photos on my day, were a dozen shots from the plus one of a friend of mine.

He had a super eye and liked photography.

He showed her them afterwards and she knew immediately that I would love them.

So much nicer than my extremely dull album that cost a bloody fortune.

You never know what people may have.

PS. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by verbalising your disappointment.

It will sour the day for your daughter unnecessarily.
💐

Mothers of the bride (and groom!) can often be overlooked at white weddings especially if they are unmarried. However it really is unacceptable for your DD to have used you and your sister as dogsbodies then not even taken individual photos together. No doubt she’ll do the same thing when she has kids - expect you to do all the grunt work while the groom’s family get the credit. I think you probably need to unpin yourself from her life - make it clear that you deserve respect too. Take the photoshoot but don’t involve your DD - make it all about you. Do your hair / make up and take some nice photos

I've ignored the hurtful messages, because they don't achieve anything.

Ignoring the hurtful messages is fine, but equally you have ignored lots of very practical advice from people who have take the time to reply to you about this issue. That is pretty rude and makes posting the thread pointless as you clearly didn't want advice you just wanted people to agree you were right.

Will organise the photo shoot to coincide with a significant birthday next year - happy now?

Well no because truly I'm not invested in whether or not you have a photo shoot but if it makes you happy then organise it. I would however check with your daughter first as she might be pretty pissed off to find you have been emailing their wedding photographer about the photographs and have guilted the poor bloke into doing another photoshoot for free.

Haven't read all the replies but actually agree with OP. You may not know whether the photographer was taking photos of you as they are supposed to be inobtrusive. I would be gutted if there were no photos of myself and my daughter on her wedding day. Don't think yabu op.

In the nicest possible way, IMHO your expectations seem quite high and I think probably not what most people would expect.

“…It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too”

Surely it was special, your daughter married the man of her choice and looked beautiful, you were there to help and enjoy the day.

I think you sound a little bit depressed and are fixating on this. Maybe because of your mother’s illness or because your own relationship broke down. I was depressed for a couple of years (not clinically depressed just very down) and I never really realised or got help for it.

I'm sorry this has upset you and I guess that it shows that even at a happy event like a wedding if things are important to you then you need to make sure they happen (I have no photo of me and my mum, as far as i am aware, and I don't think it mattered to either of us much). In many ways it is lovely that you do care and did want that photo.

So make the most now of the chance to get a lovely photo with your lovely daughter.

Completely understand re the photos - my wedding photographer was crap on this and I ended up with lots of images with us and dp’s family and not so many with mine.

But if you enjoyed the day and felt involved at the time, that’s what is important.

"I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point?"

Take the photoshoot. he's offered something that can be a real nice thing rather than being frustrated over what happened in the past. Focus on the future. I married almost 2 decades ago and since then both my parents have died. i very very rarely look at the photos of my wedding. They just are not a significant part of my life in any way.

But i do understand that they may feel very important for you.

Shame about the photos, in an ideal world your DD would have instructed the photographer on who she wanted photos with, but weddings take a lot of work and it’s easy to overlook things. Do the family photo shoot, that sounds like a lovely thing to do and nice way to spend time with your DD.
It sounds like you have had a very stressful year and wouldn’t blame you for feeling sad or angry at this time, but don’t direct your anger towards your daughter. It won’t make you feel any better. Move past it, I’m sure your daughter did her best.

I can understand your upset about the photos. When I got married a few years ago my photographer was not very proactive even though we'd discussed what we wanted beforehand. We didn't have any guest just our children but I still had to actively ask the photographer to take photos of me and my children when I realised she wasnt'! How does your daughter feel about not having photos with you? Perhaps she feels the same.

You've had a really stressful year and you are fixating on something that can't be changed. You have absolutely nothing to gain from this. The wedding is over. They are chaotic events which never go according to plan. The main thing is that it went smoothly. If the worst you can say of it is that you had no matching corsage and no photos of you and your daughter together then it went smoothly and you can be glad of that. (tbh I've never seen MOTB and bride together in official photos. It should be a thing but it isn't.)

Your life has really turned uspside down and people you were close to have moved on - daughter married, son at uni, partner gone. Spend some self indulgent time doing stuff that makes you feel good not bad.