Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has a 'spank bank'...

205 replies

PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 10:25

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

OP posts:
Antibles · 17/09/2019 14:59

He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better. Instead he had a wank (or several) over a woman who was interested in him a decade ago and then carried on as before.

You've summed it up really. He doesn't respect your point of view enough to make an effort to stem your building resentment. So many men think we are just unreasonable nags because it's so much easier to believe this than make an effort. And now these pictures!

I can understand why you would be pragmatic OP and make a move only when it is sensible to do so.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:57

I wonder if tasteful means those pens where the clothes fall off when you tip them that they used to sell at crap holiday destinations.

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 14:56

@Justaboy’s posts make him sound like some grubby lech from a 1970s sitcom 🙄

Hont1986 · 17/09/2019 14:51

put it in your op then, don't drip feed it.

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 14:48

*after the event

deydododatdodontdeydo · 17/09/2019 14:46

I let an ex take photos of me a million years ago.
It was a film camera, I can't remember how he got them developed. Maybe he took them to Boots Smile
No idea what he did with them, of course I regret it now, but I consented at the time.
DH has never asked to take photos of me, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any of exes, but I did rip up the (non-sexual, fully clothed) photos of his ex when we first met Blush

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 14:46

@Rollercoaster1920 I agree with memories but I think retaining intimate photos are the event is unacceptable. Is the ex aware of what he's doing with her photo?

Original poster
PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 14:45

Hont1986 Nope, soz, that's not washing with me.

I've made an effort for years. I've talked about it in therapy. I've tried to talk about it with him. I've booked nights out and babysitters and been tactile and attentive. I get the same short shrift followed by "why don't we have much sex anymore?".

I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what my marriage and my husband need. He's spent some significant time reorganising his ex gfs for efficient wank access.

So, politely, do not tell me this is on me.

OP posts:
Myriade · 17/09/2019 14:45

Seeing the comments from the (some?) men on this thread, Im wondering if men have an issue with total lack of imagination. If I need to get off on my own, imagination is usually plenty. Why on earth do they need an explicit photo? Can they conjured it in their own mind all on their own? Confused

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:44

Memories can't be deleted. Photos can, and should be if you suspect the subject wouldn't want you to keep them.

PeachesAndMayo · 17/09/2019 14:43

I might have been inclined to double delete them (out of the trash can as well) and see if he raised it with me.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2019 14:43

Rollercoaster there's a big difference between occasionally remembering your ex fondly in passing, to deliberately setting up a folder of explicit images as wank fodder.

Can you not see that?

Rollercoaster1920 · 17/09/2019 14:41

Do the outraged think that people have their brains wiped when a relationship ends? Are you saying saying that you never thought of an ex whilst with someone new? Never remembered some good times when on your own? Picture or no picture - what is the difference there?

Perhaps it is not nice, but I do think it is quite human.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:41

"Tasteful" in this context is one of those words like "moist" that just makes your skin crawl.

Hont1986 · 17/09/2019 14:39

"He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better"

Or you could make an effort with him. It's a two-way street.

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 14:37

@TheProdigalKittensReturn I think @Justaboy is far from a "boy" or youngun, my bet is he's an older past it saddo looking at his tasteful creepshots Grin

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:33

Also lol at the idea that the cloud is a safe place to store photos. I thought young'uns were meant to be good with tech?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:32

About Justaboy and his sad little folder of creepshots, I mean. Obviously everyone cares about the OP.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 14:31

And also nobody cares.

OP, even in the best case scenario indulging in a those were the days eh moment while refusing to make an effort with your wife because, like, adulting is hard is juvenile and a bit pathetic. Does he think looking at the woman he was shagging a decade ago is going to make him any younger? Because if so I have some bad news for him. The question is if you're inclined to wait around for him to grow up or if you'd be happier losing 150-200 or so pounds of manchild. Sounds like he's doing nothing to help with either house or kids so no difference there. Do you still love him or are you still there for other reasons (security, money worries, etc)?

thisnamechanger · 17/09/2019 14:29

Have horrible feeling Justaboy may in fact be my ex...

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 14:29

*Well got a folder with some tastfull pics of some ladies and if you think thats well gross, then sorry bit i bet most all men have one somewhere.

Only one ex pic on a forign beach and she was a fine looking lady:) but no woman around at present so suppose it dosent matter.

And its bloody well hidden in that cloud place!.*

🤢 grim! Of course they're "tasteful".

Derbee · 17/09/2019 14:24

@Justaboy 🤮 you sound creepy

Justaboy · 17/09/2019 14:18

Damntheman Well she knows its there as the rest or that "roll" are on Instagram!, that was the only topless one! as to the others no they wernt off a Porn site in fact they were done when i was a member of a camera club many years ago now some were the ladies that were being drawn as part of a life painting class.

Original poster
PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 14:18

The one picture I looked at was definitely old. I know who it's of, although I don't know her personally if you see what I mean. It was a shortish romance years ago while he was travelling.

That said, I didn't look at all the pictures. And as I've said before, that's not really the point.

"Wife doesn't want to put out any more? Nags you to do stuff around the house? No problem! Ignore her, wank yourself silly over women who dated you 10 years ago then put your feel up."

Doesn't sound like the most considerate bit of marriage advice does it.

I'm trying to see it from different points of view - for example, maybe it's that time in his life he was escaping to, all sun and long days free of any responsibilities, being young and hot and 'single'. Woohoo! Who doesn't remember those times fondly occasionally.

But whatever POV I try to see I always come back to this: He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better. Instead he had a wank (or several) over a woman who was interested in him a decade ago and then carried on as before.

Again, that's some fucking LAZY thinking, and frankly a bit pathetic.

OP posts:
thisnamechanger · 17/09/2019 14:13

My ex did this but he was too much of a sadsack to have any such images so he instead saved holidays snaps of his and my facebook friends. Blergh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread