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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has a 'spank bank'...

205 replies

PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 10:25

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

OP posts:
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trendingdiscussion · 31/12/2024 17:24

bloody hell op
you stayed with him

Lipz · 19/09/2019 22:47

This is awful for you, I think I'd crack if I found this. I bet his ex doesn't even know he has these pics of her, all organised into a file and just there to be found as you found them easily enough. I think I'd equally be sick if I thought an ex of mine had kept pics of me.

I'd replace them with pictures of his MOTHER !!! not naked ones of course ...

Vanhi · 19/09/2019 22:35

FFS men have been painting and photographing women for centuries now you can see some rather racy paintings in the national gallery and the louve and other gallires all over the world they arent porno theres plenty of that

You might want to look up stuff on the male gaze in art. "It's been going on for centuries" isn't an adequate reason to keep doing some things, otherwise we'd never make any progress.

Justaboy · 19/09/2019 21:28

Crumbs! I go away for a couple of days and I see that becaue i said i have One picture of my ex wife, topless on a beach in the south of France where its a beautiful setting and the light is just right, she knows i have it and shes got the rest of the set which are on instagram plus a few from life model drawings and some shots taken using professional models at a camera club, the same ones who do fashion shoots and the like albeit some years ago now i get described as Creepy and sound like someones ex and a whole tip of other silly abuse!.

FFS men have been painting and photographing women for centuries now you can see some rather racy paintings in the national gallery and the louve and other gallires all over the world they arent porno theres plenty of that and more on the web. So because i describle then as tastefull some contributors think there what was it "moist" or porno?
Really get a bloody life!

None of them are wank material, imagination is sufficent for that thanks!

Myriade · 18/09/2019 17:55

@notworththesqueeze, I have to ay I am wondering if going into that sort of length is worth the effort too.
I mean why doing all of that to avoid being caugt 'watching porn' when you could just use your imagination. Confused
Or are men so incapable of using their brains that they cant muster a nice pron film in their heads??

LittleMissMe99 · 18/09/2019 17:41

I'm really sorry. Not photos of an ex. Huge red flag there OP

Vanhi · 18/09/2019 17:34

Just not worth the risk, anything could happen to them.

I told my ex that if he ever got any profit from photos of me, he should share it with me. The photos are just proof that I have a naked body and that someone photographed me. I can't say I'm particularly bothered about that. They're a representation, they're not me.

BenjiB · 18/09/2019 16:11

Yanbu. Random nude photos I’d be ok with but his Ex? No way

spanglydangly · 18/09/2019 15:38

@notworththesqueeze can you read or do you just look at photos/pictures? I see a lot of posts saying no issue with porn, some do, some don't!

I think you're better suited to A Works, more your mentality and more middle aged sad men that will need your "advice", not sure many mumsnet followers would thank you for such an insight!

You know some of us actually have a great and fulfilling sex life with our partners, I don't gauge that you fall into that category.

Cannot think why HmmGrin

SoEverybodyDance · 18/09/2019 14:19

Sorry OP, that would cause serious problems for me...

And Gawd... I hope my ex isn't doing this... he has terrible photos of me in the buff with my hair in bunches.

RosesAndRaindrops · 18/09/2019 13:44

Your welcome all, should help cut down on threads like this!

Hmm
IcedPurple · 18/09/2019 13:36

Your welcome all

Our welcome what?

Maybe if you spent less time boasting about porn on a mainly women's website, you might be able to improve your use of English. Or you might now.

IcedPurple · 18/09/2019 13:34

Just not worth the risk, anything could happen to them.

Yup. And it's not only about trusting your partner. Once you put something on the internet, potentially it's out there forever even if you delete it. Remember that awful hacking incident 4 or 5 years ago involving stars like Jennifer Lawrence? Not that your average woman is likely to get such interest in her photos, but you never know what sort of pervs could get hold of them.

And like I say, these photos are almost always done for the man to get his rocks off, not the woman. How many women are requesting - as opposed to getting sent - naked pics of men?

notworththesqueeze · 18/09/2019 13:23

This reply has been deleted

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RosesAndRaindrops · 18/09/2019 13:16

Yeah, with @IcePurple on this one - never would have any photos taken of me naked, not a chance - and I say this as someone who's been married for years and trust him completely but still wouldn't do it!
Just not worth the risk, anything could happen to them.

HennyPennyHorror · 18/09/2019 12:30

I would say that the equivalent thing for a woman to keep would be old love letters rather than old pictures of Ex's. And I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Yeah what a lot of rubbish! Women get off on visuals too. We're not all led by our feelings!

IcedPurple · 18/09/2019 12:27

Bungle - men like you are why women should never let men take photos of us naked

Yup. Maybe it's because I'm old but I just don't get the whole naked photo thing. Especially as it's nearly always men taking pics of naked women, for their gratification, not that of the woman. Unless you are in a VERY trusting relationship - and maybe not even then - just say no.

IcedPurple · 18/09/2019 12:25

I would say that the equivalent thing for a woman to keep would be old love letters rather than old pictures of Ex's. And I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Not only is your attitude towards women stuck somewhere in the 19th century, so is your worldview.

Who the hell sends 'love letters' in this day and age?

Ludways · 18/09/2019 12:16

@deydododatdodontdeydo

  • She doesn't care? She literally stated in the OP how much she cares*

Did you read any of her updates? She clearly states she doesn't think she even cares.

UndomesticHousewife · 18/09/2019 08:57

Porn photos fine. Photos of ex really not fine!

LellyMcKelly · 18/09/2019 08:54

Delete all the photos of her and replace them with photos of Roy Chubby Brown. Let’s see him get a decent tug out of that.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/09/2019 08:28

He's wanking over photos of his ex and you don't care. I think you've both checked out of the marriage. You need to talk.

She doesn't care?
She literally stated in the OP how much she cares.

Ludways · 17/09/2019 23:02

He's wanking over photos of his ex and you don't care. I think you've both checked out of the marriage. You need to talk.

Original poster
PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 22:43

Just to avoid any accusations of drip feeding Hmm the picture I saw was taken by DH, rather than a sent nude.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 17/09/2019 22:30

I feel for his ex & and you OP. I asked for some images of me I knew an ex had when we were splitting. He ignored every request. It still makes me feel uneasy as I know he'd be the type to keep them & look at them every now & then. Next time I'll find & delete any taken myself, before any split.

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