My children have sucked the life out of me

Your post really hits home for me why I could never, ever be a SAHM. Horses for courses, and I know plenty love it, but for me it would be how you describe. I absolutely need reasonable periods of time alone and to feel like myself. It's how I relax and recharge. After a few days without I can feel myself becoming tense and stressed. I went back to work 3 days a week after having my 2 and returning after maternity leave was glorious. I have a 35 minute walk to the office, during which I stick some music on my headphones and daydream, then a day chatting with my colleagues, who are all interesting and intelligent people, an hour lunch break and a nice walk home. I would be a much worse parent without those days, they allow me to recharge enough to enjoy my. Children on the 4 days that I'm with them.

You say that your husband's job is low paid, so why does he get to work and not you? It would be different if he was a high earner. Why can't you both work part time? I really think you should start looking for jobs and just see what's out there. With some perseverance you may well eventually find something that would work.

I read this during the night but didn’t post as you had some great advice and sympathy and understanding and posted your plan going forward.

This morning I see a few posters exhibiting a complete lack of understanding and sympathy. On a website which is about supporting parents. Seriously some of you should be ashamed. The OP explained that her third child was due to a contraceptive failure. Her second child was because she wanted to five her first child a sibling.

Can I suggest if you are so superior that such things would never happen to you and you can’t provide any help, support or basic human bloody empathy you just close the thread and move on to something else? Why on earth would you think that a woman who has posted begging for help needs your kicking while she is down? She doesn’t.

OP your plan going forward is good. The Travelodge idea is great. I knew a friend who did similar regularly while her dcs were young. 24 hours from check in to check out with just peace, magazines, nice snacks, tv and uninterrupted sleep! It saved her sanity and her marriage.

The idea of a list of everything that needs doing is a great one.

And keep on at your DH. Don’t let this slide. You do it all five days a week. At the weekends you do it together. And you both get your own time. He gets his rugby and you get equal time out.

And I agree he is already trying to foist some of this on his mother! Don’t let him away with it!

Yes it was my decision to have three children, but I didn’t realise how difficult it would be

Really? It’s pretty common knowledge that it’s excruciatingly hard, exhausting and thankless work!

Now you have the plan you really need to drive home to him that he needs to stick with it and exactly how low you are feeling as even in your update he is coming across as a selfish man who is just saying these things to appease you. The fact he is willing to send his mum in when she has arthritis says it all

It’s good you’ve planned & talked - but it still sounds like he has let it get too far and this plan should be step 2. I would suggest step 1 is a full weekend on your own now - completely alone, then a month of every other weekend like it would be with joint custody, plus a mid week evening off. He will then see the reality of what is waiting if he doesn’t step up, and you can get some much needed rest.

You absolutely are at breaking point.
Antidepressants have their place, but that's just papering over the cracks really.

Yes your life sounds really hard. Why on earth can't your DH actually parent?

Showing him the responses to this thread might help him appreciate your life right now. As it appears he cannot listen/ appreciate your life from talking to you.

You need time alone.
Go out tomorrow morning. For the day on your own. Come back when you feel a bit better.

Don't take any shit from your DH. Keep repeating you do that childcare day after day with no break ever. That is not sustainable. Noone could do that.

Big hugs X

Oh OP your post brought back memories for me.
I had 4 under 5 at one point.... Surprise twins and god it was bloody hard.

I had a very similar existence to you and that's what I felt like I was doing... Just existing.
The plan you have put in place sounds positive and even though he was reluctant it's good your DH is supportive.

This is by no means a comment against you but if I am honest part of the problem for me was I stopped parenting my children. I mean I fed them kept them clean but I stopped parenting as in doing daily activities, reading, playing, praising them and discipline them. The last 2 being very important.
Once I accepted that I had to put more effort in than just meeting their basic needs things improved greatly. Also like you I had a long talk with DH which resulted in 2 evenings a week to myself and 1 weekend day.

Stand your ground OP because for me after a couple of weeks DH slipped back in to the old routine so needed a gentle reminder

@LakieLady
Didn’t mean it to come across as snotty if you mean me. I just wondered if it might feel a bit lonely. But peace and quiet are what’s needed so I can see the appeal.

You poor thing, I felt so sorry reading your post.
Your not a bad mum you sound like your doing the very best when your up against it all the time.
Go see your gp, you need support

It will get better once they are older, although that's not much comfort now. Not much advice, but I understand how you feel x

Ahhhhh bless you it isn`t easy being a mom at the best of times .
Hang on in there though the day will come when you will wonder where the little one went believe me.
Try and get help if possible and yes,talk to H.
I think your a star.

OP, you are amazing to have had the strength to put a plan together.

I can't stress enough how important it is that your husband minds the children on his own regularly. It is the only way for them to be
a. Able to look after them.
b. Realise how bloody hard it is.
c. Develop a bit of understanding for you.
d. Way more inclined to help as they have been there.

If there is one thing you can do to help yourself today, it's to walk out the door and let him to it.

Otherwise he will never get it.

I was hospitalized suddenly when my 3 were very small and husband was left to it for 8 days.

Even though it was life threatening, it felt like a mini holiday when the immediate danger past.
3 meals a day given to me with regular tea and biscuits. Christ it was fantastic.

My husband was amazing, kept house and home and 8 week old together. To amazing praise from everyone. You'd have thought he scaled Everest 🙄.

But the best part was he was even more supportive afterwards when he oh so happily skipped back to his job and enjoyed meetings for the first time in his life, where he could sit and sip coffee in peace.

This point is so hard as children need so much of you, including boundaries.

Shattering.

It will mean so much to have him understand and empathise with you.

Start with walking out the door today.

That sounds like a great plan, OP.

A PP was a bit snotty about the Travel Lodge, but if you're in/near a nice town or city, all you need is a clean, comfy room and wifi/tv. A couple of nights somewhere like Norwich or Harrogate would be great: nice shops, historic buildings, good places to eat and, best of all, peace and quiet to just chill. I think there's one near Bath, too.

I've always been in awe of how women cope with 2 or more young children. I knew I wouldn't cope at all, which one of the reasons why I never had any.

@FredaFrogspawn
Me too

Also, it doesn't matter WHERE the travel lodge is, so long as it has wifi and a comfortable bed. So just go to the cheapest one!

6. He said finances are tight but will send me to a travelodge for a weekend around November time. If we book it now it’s cheaper, and something to look forward to. He thinks I’m mad getting excited to a travelodge stay alone with books and snacks.

This is great! I would love this and mine are teens. I think the fact that he doesn't get why this would be so lovely speaks volumes!

Do it soon!

Is there homestart in your area. This is a charity that could help you.
Also, remember, the Samaritans are there to take your call at anytime day or night.

OP what a great update. It seems like you're really going to take control and I'm pleased you've spoken to your DH about how you feel.

You'll be able to get through this, it's so tough, I have two and the summer holidays are so tiring.

I hope things get better for you

What is the point of asking why a poster had three children, they're here now. People made me feel shit for having had two (after I left my x). Although I only began to feel like maybe I could cope with the role of motherhood rolling out ahead of me for the next two decades after I left him. It's a shit thing to do to questions somebody for something they can't change.

Isn't it odd how it's always women who end up looking after kids? You've told your husband he needs to do more of it, and he says 'ok, we'll ask my mum'!

He took it personally that I need to get away from him, the kids and the house. He’s asked for us to spend quality time together

What he means is that he wants you there to do the childcare.

When dd had mh issues at 16 the state response when she was cutting and taking od's - "yeh, use the internet, wd won't or csn't help because we can't be bovvered and are lazybastards

Bit harsh @OhTheRoses. MH services are chronically underfunded and under the most appalling pressure.

Blame the politicians who'd rather cut taxes and let people suffer than spend money on service provision.

I hope things are better for you now.

Op if I was you I'd be booking dh in for a vasectomy asap. Tell him he doesn't have to but he'll be living a life of celibacy until its over.

God some people are awful. My 3rd was very much a surprise. Dh has now had a vasectomy.

I copied well with 2dc and didn't forsee 3 being that much harder but it has broken me. I'm constantly in a state of exhaustion and at times the DC are practically feral. I'm so glad they're getting older. Can't wait till their all in school.

Why on earth did you have three children, one after the other, when you can't afford it

What exactly is your point? You’ve no idea of the circumstances so I suggest you drag your head out of your arse and try and generate some empathy.

Your despair brings back all sorts of mixed memories. It was such a relentless time and so utterly exhausting. I’m so impressed with your action plan. You have inspired me as a young-ish granny and survivor of three under four to apply to become a home start volunteer. Thank you for that and good luck