My children have sucked the life out of me

Well done for making a plan, Cindy. It doesn't sound like you've put enough in place to help you, though. Having a break from the children for two hours on a Saturday isn't long enough to allow you to rest. And as for a Travelodge in November - my god - NOVEMBER? You don't need it in November, you need it NOW

Good luck, Cindy. I hope things improve for you. Come back and let us know how you're doing.

@lavenderandthyme

thanks. I said similar up thread. I love my 3 beyond measure and I enjoy them. but it's bloody hard at times. i really feel for people who are struggling due to lack of support. they've come on here for a bit of help I just don't understand why people feel the need to say anything if they don't have something kind or helpful to add.

nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

There is nothing comparable

I agree with this. And I only have one child AND a DH who pulls his weight more than enough. And I have a job. Still feel like it’s a slog (and DS is a pretty well behaved toddler)

The thing is, you can’t foresee what your OH will be like before you have kids. You can’t foresee what work commitments or changes of career or location will impact on your situation. You can’t foresee how health issues may make things harder.
You can’t foresee whether family will help or whether you will have supportive friendships.
All these things massively impacted me in ways i could not have imagined when I embarked on parenthood. I just got through it the best way I could. Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.
Anyone who imagines you can foresee and plan for everything is deluded. Some people will have three children and sail through . Others may have a child with special needs who turns their world upside down. Money, size of house, location and jobs can all change quite dramatically during the time you are bringing up children.

I spoke to my DH who looked irritated initially but seemed to understand towards the end.

At no point in the conversation should he have ever looked irritated.

We’ve agreed he will take the kids out every Saturday to the park for at least two hours.

How fucking generous of him. Any reason he hasn't done this before?

He will do Saturday bath time and cook

Oh wow, he's the gift that keeps on giving. Bath AND cooking, for ONE night.

he will continue to play Rugby on Sundays but will take over Sunday bedtime.

Oh well, that's amazingly fair isn't it? You do all day, he does bedtime.

He wasn’t happy about a Saturday job, but said he can’t stop me.

That has made me fucking angry. He's not happy, but he can't stop you?

I have no idea what kind of job I will look for but il do anything. He took it personally that I need to get away from him, the kids and the house.

He should take it personally, he sounds like an arse.

He’s asked for us to spend quality time together, he said he just wants time with his wife to watch a film or go for a drink.

Yeah well, wives are generally in a better mood when the other parent pulls their weight, both with the house and with childcare.

He said finances are tight but will send me to a travelodge for a weekend around November time. If we book it now it’s cheaper, and something to look forward to.

Well, he's a keeper. No offence, as we're in the same tight boat, but DH would do something a hell of a lot more for me than that. Not expensive, but with a lot more thought.

He thinks I’m mad getting excited to a travelodge stay alone with books and snacks.

Then he truly doesn't get it. Which we know anyway.

Also, pretty angry about the fact he can't look after all 3, but you can? Did he not hear that you can't?

Sorry OP, he sounds like a wanker. Really hope he gets better for you.

Sick and tired of seeing women treated like this.

And ignore any posters saying that you shouldn't have had 3 children. I have 3 children. If they were all like DS1, I'd be a smug shit of a parent. If I had all 3 like DS2, I'd have gone AWOL if DH hadn't been the equal parent.

Oh, and it's not looking after, or babysitting, it's just parenting. And why the fuck wouldn't he want to spend time with them anyway?

I found the step up from 2 dcs to 3 huge and never anticipated it. Having your head in three different places is difficult - never experienced it with two. I am also struggling and that's with a large age gap between children. I have only really developed my hobbies lately and I have to say the one has saved my sanity. We have no extended family so dh and I have to rely on each other - I would be sunk without a supportive dh who works full-time but gets how hard it is to look after children and therefore attempts to enable some 'me' time. I won't lie, I'm looking forward to dc3 who is currently a toddler, starting pre-school, I am maxed out and know my limits - no more dc for me but it is not helpful criticising people after the event has happened!

Hate to be negative but it only gets worse when they become teenagers.

I'm constantly emotionally drained and worried

Honestly, truly, look into Home Start. It's a charity set up exactly for women in these years, who just need a bit of a bloody break from someone who is checked out to the max, and in most cases has been through it themselves and wants to help another mum out.

You can self-refer. It could give you some peace and quiet every week, even for just a short time. And that could make all the difference.

If I was you, I would tell DH your nippimg out for milk one Saturday morning, and go for a quiet coffee somewhere nice. Let him "look after" the kids for a few hours. He'll soon realise what you are going through every single day.and hopefully he will step up. Also. As a pp said maybe get a couple of hours work at the weekend, the break away from kids and a some adult interaction will work wonders, and with extra cash coming in maybe DH won't have to work so long hours and can then help out in the evenings. Unfortunately he has to realise that just because has to work, he also has a family too and that's a harder job than any I know, and you don't get paid for doing it. Hope things seem brighter for you soon 💐 x

I have to admit, if I'd read Mumsnet before having a child it definitely would have made me think twice about doing it. I've had regrets, I've also had periods where I wanted to die. I had NO idea it would be this hard, nobody ever said anything!

It's without doubt, been the most challenging time of my life. I only have one and this is the reason is will never have more. I understand how hard it must be OP. I have friends and family with three and it looks like a whole heap of stress and unhappiness with not much gain.

The one family I know with three older kids have certainly not found it easier as the children have aged BUT I must stress the reason for this is that they checked out when the kids were little.

They farmed out most of the childcare to family and both worked 7-7 so they could get away from their children! This has caused no end of problems as you can imagine and all three are very challenging indeed.

Regarding your husband, I think he is a disgrace. He's irritated by you getting a Saturday job? Are you allowed to be irritated by his rugby? He's making you wait until November for your Travelodge weekend?

I have an awful feeling he will make excuses nearer the time as to why you can't go. Nothing you've said has indicated that he has shown you any real empathy or understanding.

I also don't think divorce is the answer. As others have said, there is no guarantee that he would take the children.

I think you need to be very firm with him and make absolutely sure that you start getting a regular break.

I agree it can be foreseen unless you lack critical thinking.

However op did foresee but she says the last one was an accident. So she is in the situation she is in.

Op it will get better as the children grow older but your husband definitely needs to take some responsibility.

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

I disagree - and I think it's time we stopped saying this. It CAN be foreseen

It can definitely be foreseen which is why more women than ever are choosing to give it a miss!

Well done OP for asking for help! It was too much for you to do all by yourself. Love to you

In your situation I think I'd start a saturday morning hobby such as an exercise class, yoga or even just sitting in a cafe drinking tea. Then I'd get a part-time one or two day job in the week and hire a baby sitter (which your husband should pay at least half of).
It doesn't matter if you only break even it'll do your mental health a lot of good and you're have more options when your children are older.

@Drum2018, I totally agree that if people understood more what it is like to have children then less would have them.

Maybe schools should teach about the realities of having children rather than so many people thinking it is like some wonderful dreamy ad where gorgeous looking children play quietly and well together in immaculate clothes.

So so many women struggle with children and lot regret having them. No point in saying that is not true because you only have to look at these boards to see it is. I have also had enough women (and men) tell me they would not have children if they could go back in time to know that for many it just isn't the right thing to do.

I know posters are trying to be helpful when they say things like "it gets better", "it's a hard slog but then gets easier" but why would anyone want at least several years of what the OP is experiencing?

Also, without being mean, schools need to make a better job of teaching about contraception. OP admits her 3rd baby was an accident and all I ever seem to read on here is about babies that are "accidents". Two of my neighbours have recently had their third child and both say they are "accidents".

In reality accidents should not happen very often and certainly once you have the number of children you want you should take extra precautions or preferably the DH should have a vasectomy or the woman be sterilised.

People deal with having children differently, shock. Try and predict it as much as you like. No one is the same.

I don't think you can really foresee it either. I knew it would be hard but I had no way of knowing how hard I would personally find it to have small children hanging off me ALL DAY. That horrible touched out feeling is brand new and I cannot stand it.

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children

I disagree - and I think it's time we stopped saying this. It CAN be foreseen

I honestly don't think anyone can predict how hard it is. We all look at other parents who may be struggling and naively think, 'I won't be like that, my kids will be better sleepers than theirs, they're just unlucky to have a colicky baby etc etc'. Then you have a baby and realise that it's not just down to luck, or certain styles of parenting etc. Nothing/nobody could have prepared me for motherhood. Until you are in the situation and are experiencing it, of course you cannot foresee what it's like. If people completely understood what it's like to have kids prior to having them, I believe there would be a hell of a lot less people on the planet.

So much great advice has been given, but here are a couple of extras from me.

I would definitely advocate getting a hobby that gets you out of the house. I do Pilates now weekly, my back is shot and it non negotiable for pain relief. I also took up crochet which led me to a wonderful crochet meet-up group once per month. Fantastic range of people from 20s - 60s, meeting monthly in the city was a breath of fresh air for me!

I’d think carefully about getting a Saturday job if you’re emotionally fragile at the moment. It could be great for you, but it may be too much additional pressure in the short term. I think you need to trust your gut instinct with that one.

And re: your DH, you need to operate as a partnership as much as possible. My DH share childcare as much as possible and do plenty of solo care to give the other a break or time for a hobby. We also support each other to do one off days out/away too. You sound like you absolutely need this time away from your children and your DH needs to be able to have them all for a day on his own regularly (no MIL cop out!!!)

The problem with that is that OP leaving him wouldn't actually force him to take over. He might quite easily decide not to bother, or only bother sporadically. A surprising number of NRPs have no contact, even more have only a few hours now and then, and they aren't all being prevented from seeing the kids/seeing them more.*

unfortunately that doesn’t always work. This one doesn’t sound like he would bother if they did split. When I split with my ex he disappeared and haven’t heard from him in 2 years and as shit as he was it was it was personally easier for me with him around than him being absent. I have 4 under 8 so I do sympathise op, like I said ex has done a runner and it’s just relentless. I’m with them every minute of the day as I also have no family that help. The holidays have been extremely hard, you are not alone.

Well I had NFI what one child would be like even after being around children. Unless you live with children or work with them and see the day to day I'm not sure how you would know exactly how draining it's going to be.

And you can't pop them back in so I'm not sure what the point is of the 'why did you have them' posts anyway. What's op going to say? 'Oh actually you're right and I hadn't thought about that. Why did I have them? Well better go upstairs and see if I can cram them back up my uterus.'

Lots of people imagine something is hard but absolutely nothing in life prepares you for the sheer relentless slog of young children.

There is nothing comparable.

The only thing worse is three young children and a lazy arse of a husband.

Maybe don't put them to bed early some nights and let him do that every evening as well.

Selfish men give me the rage.

I absolutely can see why women fund it easier to go it alone rather than the annoyance of them and their uselessness.

The sunday to himself after being at work all week with three young children is obscene. The selfishness of it.

Your MIL is an option to make it easier for him. You don't need someone else to care for.