My children have sucked the life out of me

I thought I was reading something I wrote for a minute. This is exactly how I feel. I am so miserable. Nothing brings me joy. I wish the time machine was invented because I would definitely go back.

This thread is 3 years old………………

I feel for you. I have 3 and my experience is nothing like yours but my dh pulls his weight and always has. You need to have a serious discussion with him about your feelings and how you can implement changes to make your family life easier. It does get easier as your eldest starts school you'll have 2 home and your middle child will be able to go to preschool or nursery for a few hours a week. I do agree that ypu need some time to yourself be it an hour an evening just to read a book, have a bath or sit on your phone but just some time where you can put yourself first. Best of luck op.

I completely disagree with those who say you can't foresee it. You bloody well can which is why many young women are making different choices. You never know if you'll have a good sleeper or eater but it doesn't take a genius to work out the more kids you have the more stretched you will get both in terms of time energy and of course financially. Noone finds sleep deprivation easy, it's shit for us all.

Honestly I would get a pastime weekend or evening job for a break, a Saturday afternoon or something, keep your skills up and then get a bit of money. Have a break from home

Or go back to work for a loss, i didn't have a third because I could only cope with 2 so I really do sympathise but I promise you this will get easier

Oh and straight away, make sure at least one of your is using reliable contraception

Given that your husband has been complicit in creating 3 children that you can’t really afford, and as a result your quality of life is zero, he needs to step up and fast. In the short term, give you a break. In the mid to long term, work out a plan to get you back to work and reclaiming your identity.

I was in a similar situation, with one big difference. DH, despite his very difficult and demanding job, pulled his weight 100% with the children during the weekend. I remember waking up to a clean house too, he must have been cleaning in the night before going to work. It was still devastatingly hard for me (VERY demanding children, no family at all too, plus very difficult life circumstances) but we survived and now I’m back to work and children are nearly in the secondary. I will never forget what DH done for us, he was and still absolutely brilliant dad. You deserve the same effort. It makes all the difference.

I agree about the societal pressure to have kids and that you will regret it if you don’t. It’s how a patriarchal society keeps women in their (childbearing/raising) place

You need to change the way you parent.
Implement more or different rules
Harder punishments and more structure

Cause thats all it is really
And being consequent...

it will still be hard. But doable
And healthier for your whole family

I remember feeling overwhelmed when my 2 DDs were small and there was a short age gap and the cost of childcare prohibited me from returning to work. My DH also worked long hours and did not appreciate how tough it was. Even weekends he would be fiddling about with DIY again leaving all childcare to me until I got a Saturday job and he had to step up. I would suggest that and your DH will have to learn to cope as you have. It will get easier.

I know I’m very late to the game but just came across this post. How are things now for you? I can relate to how you feel. My child is a sullen, negative, bossy know-it-all with awful interpersonal skills, who accepts no help from anyone and just rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out. He’s on medicine and between him, my husband and myself we go to 4 different therapists. I’m also a therapist, so I guess you could say 5! Nothing is getting better. I really never thought this way until now, but I think some kids just suck and there isn’t much that can be done about it. I’ve lost all hope.

Just go to a family venue on a busy school holiday weekend. Observe the couples. Their interactions with each other, their degrees of happiness. Watch what coupled life with the kids is really like. Forget what people say. Watch that crowd. That's all the information you need. That scene is raw, brutal honesty.

Find playgroups they are a lifeline.

So basically, you should know parenting is hard. If you continue to have children, it's your own fault if you then find it hard, and as such you can't complain

People need to stop judging everyone's choices.

0 children - when are you having kids? Why not? You'll regret not having them.

1 child - when are you having more? Child needs a sibling. He'll be lonely. You're being selfish.

2 boys - are you not going to have a third? Surely you must want a girl?

2 girls - are you not going to have a third? Surely you must want a boy?

1 boy/1 girl - why are you having a third baby? You've already got a boy and a girl.

4+ kids - haven't you got enough now?

Close age gaps - oh my God, how do you cope so close in age? I wouldn't have had them so close together.

Big age gaps - wow, those gaps are huge, why? Pretty selfish having such big gaps, they won't be close growing up.

Whatever your set up, people will judge.

Yanbu
I have one and sometimes feel like you. She is very full on, demanding, talks non stop, flits from thing to thing eg gets everything out then abandons it for the next thing
(my mum says I was just like that, my mum finds her hard work too)
Sometimes I want to cry but no tears come -it’s like I’m numb
It can be such a drag..so weary. And then the man wants your attention. F that!

Cindy55, I really do understand where you're coming from. I sometimes feel the same too. It's tough, and sometimes the daily grind just feels like it's too much to bear. I think the other thing that has an impact is the weird isolation mums often experience. It's a lonely, hard job. Do you think you should see your Dr? You might be experiencing some depression, that you might be able to get a bit of help with? I suffered from post-natal anxiety and depression after the birth of both my sons, and anti-depressants helped me to overcome it. Please don't feel like you're alone, motherhood is very tough indeed sometimes and lots of women experience low mood. You might find speaking to your Dr a help.

I don't think that I will ever have children.

Women are definitely pressurised by sociert to have children.
If you have children - it is the norm
If you don't have children - you are asked why.
Do what is right for you, not what society makes you think that you shod be doing

Lots of couples plan to have children, everyone of them being much wanted and loved.

That doesn't stop it being absolutely relentless at times.

You certainly can't predict for how your children will be.
Things that affect how challenging it will be:

Are they sleepers.
Do they feed easily and well.
Have they a lot of childhood illnesses.
Have they allergies.
Did they respond well to being taught to self soothe.
Can they entertain themselves.
Are they bolters.
Are they prone to whining.
Are they clingy.
Do they make friends easily.
Do they adapt to change.
Do they fit into playschool, Montessori, big school.
Do they find a school work easy.
Do they have language difficulties.
Do they have any food allergies.
Have they asthma.
Do they suffer with anxiety.
Do they navigate school friendships easily.
Do they move from primary to secondary easily.
Do they settle into study and working well.
Do they prepare for exams.
Do they challenge you while teens and become argumentative excessively.
Do they abide by house rules.
Do they help around the house.
Do they respect your rules re alcohol before 18.

Then there are all the variables that happen with health, careers, family support, or lack of, childcare.

Despite all the planning in the world any of the above can make rearing children harder and I am quite sure there are dozens of others that can spring up.

To suggest you can prepare for them is silly. The best you can hope for is that you will have a kind supportive partner who has your back, is as invested as you are in the children and will be with you for the duration.

I really hope the OP gets the support she so badly needs and some empathy IRL.

@MyCatIsNotAllThat
You are spouting a lot of nonsense.

They sounds very similar to my life only mine don’t fucking sleep- hence posting at 4 ok the morning. Even trying to eat my tea earlier sat them down on there little table but within 5 minutes they were both sat on my knee when I was eating. Dh moves them but back within minutes so I just gave up

Lots of people THINK LONG AND HARD about children. It can still come as a shock despite the DEPTH of thinking. Stop telling people they're finding it hard because they didn't consider it well enough and find a new agenda.

Tell your dh if you left him and got 50/50 custody you’d have a break every other weekend, so to buck his ideas up and stop
moaning when he gets in from work.

Do any of them qualify for the 30hrs childcare if it go back to work? I broke even going back after my third, but I had to for my sanity.

Where are you in the country?

I’m an Ofsted reg nanny, with loads of review and parents you can talk to.

I’ll give you an evening to yourselves for free xxx

@Mycatisnotallthat your insistence on making your point is kind of derailing the thread and isn’t helping the OP at all.