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Original poster

My child chooses mum in law over me

36 replies

Mcr23 · 12/08/2019 17:26

My son is 16 months now and for some time now he seems to prefer my mother in law over me. I have returned to work , only doing part time, and live with my mother in law who looks after my son. I have a good relationship with my mum in law, but when my son sees his grandma he doesn’t want me anymore. Whenever she comes in the room, my son cries wanting her to pick him up, and no longer wants me. He always chooses her over me in any situation.
I try my best to remain positive although on some days I am left feeling incredibly upset and insecure - I don’t want to spoil my relationship with mum in law, she has actually done a lot for me and I literally have my work cut in half, as she’s so helpful. I did tell my mum in law a couple of times how I felt, she understands this and I know she isn’t doing this on purpose. Can I please ask if anyone is also experiencing this and can offer me any advice? Is this just a phase that my son will grow out of? My son is so young yet but I worry this will turn into a long term thing... I don’t work long hours and there at home a lot to look after my son, but he always prefers his grandma over me....do other mothers feel penalised for returning to work? I want to feel like a mummy as he is my first child, but I am left feeling heartbroken wanting him to love me like he loves his grandma so much - at the same time I don’t want to spoil their relationship either, and I am certainly not the type to take him away from grandma.
Any advice?

OP posts:
ImposterSyndrome101 · 12/08/2019 18:14

One of my nephews is like this, he's 11 and wants my mum over his or when he sees me he wants me over my mum. My 5 year old niece is the same. I think it hurt my nieces mum the most when my niece was really little but as I was the one doing the childcare and the one able to do the fun day trips (just free things) and sit and hold them when the alternative was paying for a childminder, nursery or allowing another family member to watch them. Something neither of my sisters could afford nor wanted to do. But when they're ill or sad or really scared they want their mummy. Don't take it personally, kids go to who they're around a lot and who isn't likely to enforce as many of the rules. Give him some time and it'll even out.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/08/2019 17:56

I always chose my grandparents over either of my parents right up until they died and I was about 20 yrs old.It is not intentional but I loved them both so much,we had fun,I was spoilt and they always had time for me due to them being retired.They were my world.I used to spend every weekend and every holiday with them infact their house was my second home.This never meant I didnt love my mum or dad I did but they were busy.I kind of knew mum and dd were always there and I was so grateful they allowed me my time with my grandparents.I wouldnt worry OP ..its a very different relationship and a special one between grandparents and grandchildren.Your little one will love you too and will grow up knowing you are mum.give it time...

GiveMeHope103 · 12/08/2019 17:50

Dont feel bad op. He loves you more than your mil, it's just that he is constantly with her and maybe a security for him. He sees you leave and come back while shes always there so to him he feels secure. It will pass. For a long time my ds preferred his nanny over me, but its passed now and hes a mummys boy.

SlipperyLizard · 12/08/2019 17:50

My DDs both did similar when I went back to work and my mum looked after them - I’d come home and they didn’t want to come to me. But on my non-working day, they’d do it to DH, and vice versa on DHs non-working day.

They grew out of it, try not to make a fuss and be glad they have such a strong relationship with their grandma, mine still absolutely adore mine in a way I never felt towards my grandma (my mum’s mum).

Alsohuman · 12/08/2019 17:48

My son would always take my mum over me. Their relationship was incredibly close and it made me happy because I loved them both to bits.

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 17:46

I would say either spend more time with him or improve the quality of time you have together, whichever is the most in need.

Can you think of something to do with him that you would really enjoy, something he would enjoy too. I think if you work to improve the joy in the time you spend together, your son will naturally want to spend more time with you.

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2019 17:46

I did tell my mum in law a couple of times how I felt, she understands this and I know she isn’t doing this on purpose.

Doing what on purpose?

Giving you a roof over your head and cutting your work in half?

This is what tends to happen when children are brought with extended family members.

I'm sure it'll pass. What's he like with his dad?

NoSauce · 12/08/2019 17:46

That’s got to be hard OP. Try and put it into perspective though, your son doesn’t know that his grandma is your MIL, she’s just another person in the family that looks after him a lot and he’s got a bond with her.

Can you do mealtimes, bath and bed with a story, have quiet time with him every day just you and him cuddling? Can you take him out to the park or soft play on your own? Just defining your role as mum.

MIL sounds amazing actually and you’re very lucky to have such support, is it because it’s your MIL that you feel like this or would you feel the same if it were your own mum or sister?

Is this a long term situation OP?

steff13 · 12/08/2019 17:43

Kids are really fickle at that age. I know it's hard, but I don't think it will be long-term.

Anotherusefulname · 12/08/2019 17:41

I was a SAHM until DS was 8. He is now 13 to this day he will pick my mum over me to do something/go out with. Doesn't mean he loves me less, he just loves her too remember it's rare a granny says no.

BeanBag7 · 12/08/2019 17:31

Is your mum in law around all the time? Maybe you need to spend more time just there two of you (you and your son). Do you have a separate living space where you can play without your MIL coming in and out?

Is it a long term solution of you living there or are you planning to move out eventually?

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