My child chooses mum in law over me

I remember my daughter clinging to our childminder and sobbing when I came to pick her up... because we didn't have a fun house with other children and a dog! But I love that she was so secure and I just found it cute. As others have said, no one can replace a mum so really don't worry it's a phase and she's confident with your love so doesn't need to worry about pleasing you!

@Mcr23 you posted this a few years ago so you may not see this now. Im going through something similar and I really wanted to see how things are now? Did this phase ever go? If it did, how long did it last and did you or your mil do anything differently in the following years? It would be really helpful to see how you’re getting on as I am in this place with my 2 year old. It’s as though there’s no place for both women when we are both around her, she will immediately run to her and choose her and will cry. It’s upsetting at times and embarrassing for me (more so since my mil doesn’t like me and loves to have my daughter all to herself!).

Aw bless. It's not an unusual scenario, honestly, a lot of very small children have a particularly nurturing relationship with grandparents and seem to prefer them to parents. However, they know who their parents are and love them in a different way, as he grows he will become more attached to you.

It works perfectly in some cultures

I'm from one of those cultures and that's a gross generalisation. It works for some families and leaves members of other families miserable.

I'd worry in this case it's not a case of MIL being the fun one, it's more that she's the primary carer. OP trust your instincts, if you think your son has a closer bond either MIL you need to work to address it if it's upsetting you.

I agree to look into nursery as well as care from MIL and spending quality one on one time with your son. I empathise because we think we are doing the best for our children in going back to work but it's hard on mums.

He is still very young OP and like a pp mentioned they are very very fickle at that age.

My nephews and nieces were all the same when they were really young in that they'd cry for me and want to come to me over they're Mum or Dad or at least that's how it felt to my brothers and SIL's but I know it was just down to the fact that I was the fun one,I got to do all of the good stuff with them and none of the boreing stuff, it could be exactly the same for your DS.

HavelockVetinari I’m glad you retracted your post and acknowledged you were projecting. Dreadful thing to say to the OP.

Yes as everyone says focus on being a 'fun mum', it's not the amount of time you spend with him it's the quality. Having a 'special 1 to 1 activity with him when you arrive home will be a great carrot!

Honestly, I'd get your own place. Living with in-laws generally goes wrong.

It works perfectly in some cultures.

My little one would do this too with my mil - still does and he’s nearly a teenager, but it’s a great relationship they have and she never over steps her boundaries.

When push comes to shove he always picks me for example he has hurt himself or he is unwell or upset- no one makes you feel better like your mum!

It’s an awful feeling op but it doesn’t mean he loves her more than you.

Actually I'm sorry for posting that - I'm projecting. A much valued member of my team just told me a very similar story, with the added "bonus" that she'll be expected to jack in her own fabulous career to care for her in-laws when they get old and frail. Her mother in law is constantly giving her child sweets and screen time behind her back, so of course the child wants her all the time as it's hard going being the "tough" parent ensuring your child eats healthily, brushes their teeth and has restricted screen time.

Are you intending to live with your in-laws forever? If so it's unlikely things will change. From your MIL's perspective she's got it made - a DS and DIL who will support her financially plus a child she can "mother" whilst you're out earning money.

Honestly, I'd get your own place. Living with in-laws generally goes wrong.

You’re his Mum. You only get one Mum and you can’t be replaced.

Having said that, I understand why this upsets you. I would want to move out and look at childminders/ nursery’s in addition to MiL providing childcare. My daughter is a massive Mummy’s girl and if she did this I would be a bit heartbroken.

I think you're taking it too personally. Your child wanting to go their grandma doesn't mean they don't love you.

Really don’t worry. No one can replace a loving mother. My DD used to cry and cling to her childminder because life was so exciting at their house compared to just dinner, Bath, bed with me, but I knew she always loved me best no matter what. The more secure adults there are for a child the better. Trust your child’s love for you!

This happened to me and unless your situation changes he won't grow out of it like pp suggest. Your MIL sounds lovely but you're the mum, not her, and right now your son sees her as his primary carer so that's who he goes to for comfort.

Since you live with your MIL you'll consciously need to regularly separate the time you spend with your MIL and son so that you get one on one time with him (remember she gets regular alone time with him while you're at work so don't feel like your cutting down on her time with her grandchild- she gets a lot more access/ bonding time than the majority of grandparents who maintain a special bond with their grandchild).

Things that worked for me:

1. Taking my son to the park/ for a walk every time I got home from work... without fail. It creates an expectation and he's excited you see you because of that link that mummy gets home, I'll go to the park now. That stopped my son crying for my MIL when I got home.

1. Be pleasant when you get home. Give your son the best of you. It's so easy to be tired and cranky and have the worst side left your child after a long day at work as a working mum. But you need to use all your reserves so he sees your best side for that hour before he goes to bed. Leave the chores alone until he's in bed- when he's older you can spend quality time doing it together. But for now when you get home , give him your 100% attention, play with him, do his bed time routine and ENJOY it. Children pick up from a very young age who is most attentive to them and tend to bond better with the parent giving their undivided attention.

1. Chores can wait, they really can, even on the weekend. Be the fun parent as much as possible.

1. Put your son in nursery if you can afford it. Even if it's just a day a week. Right now he's spending more time with your MIL than with you or his father. She's his primary carer but putting him in childcare will not only help balance this out but give your son some socialization with his peers.

1. Don't burn your bridges. It's so easy to be resentful or blame your MIL but a time will come when you'll be so glad he's excited to spend time with her... and will be pushing him out the door.

1. Get your own place if you can. Is living with your MIL a temporary measure. The easiest way to establish your role in the family unit is to live separately in the family unit you want to lead. While you live with your MIL she's the boss and matriarch of her home and your son will pick up on this regardless of your efforts.

Good luck... it can be so hurtful but doing the above helped me re- establish my role as mum despite working full time.

I remember my daughter playing favourites massively from about that age. We didn't have grandparents nearby but after a massive phase of being all for me, she changed and went for daddy. I had to remind myself that it was just a phase and she still loved me! She has switched a lot of times, including preferring various grandparents at times. But when the chips are down, it is me or her dad she wants. Ice cream requests still go to a grandparent even at 8.
Currently preferring mummy but had a few months of daddy before that.
Her little brother is consistently for mummy, but still has a bond with their dad. It isn't something to worry about. And having an extra trusted person is awesome.

Children of this age often go through a similar phase with their parents - preferring Dad over Mum or Mum over Dad - your DS is simply doing it with your MIL.

Can you take him to the park maybe on your own when youre not at work do you think?.What about Swimming at the weekends.I dont think YABU at all actually .Its always difficult when you are living with someone else in their house TBH. Obviously MIL is trying her best to help and it is kind of her to have you and DH with her.Are you looking to move in the future at all .Even a small flat would give you some space of your own

worra come on, you know what the op meant. The MIL isn't deliberately calling grandchild over, calling herself mama/talking about my baby, isolating the mum etc - all batshit fruitloops behaviour often cited on MN by DILs. The OP also sounds appreciative and likes her MIL.
OP it's no different to kids being attached to their childminders because they see them such a lot. It should, if anything, put your mind at ease that she's so good with him. But he will always be your son and you will always be his mum - I know it's hard but I would try not to brood on it and do some mother-son trips at the weekend on yo
ur own?

I've been in your shoes and it upset me a lot BUT it was temporary and overtime lo is now firmly in the mummy camp. He loves his grandmother but when he's with her now and I go to pick him up he run to me so excited and wants me over anyone. I never thought it would happen and it did really get me down for a while but just slowly as he's grown. it’s happened and now the balance feels right. He likes to see his grandmother but it’s me he comes to if he wants and cuddle or he's hurt Himself. So hang in there, its just a phase. Nobody can replace mum!

Your ds definitely loves you. Part of being a mum is being taken for granted, especially at this age.

I don’t think everyone would agree with me here, but I really hope that I can provide my dd with a life secure enough she never has to consider whether my love is available or not. It’s just there which means she can go and seek other affection and relationships whilst I keep the safety net in place for her.

If you’re concerned step up the effort just doing some fun/nice things for the two of you but don’t worry that he has a good relationship with your mil. You can never have too many people who love you.

He may feel more secure with you, so works hard at his relationship with MIL but not at his relationship with you. Bizarre as it sounds that a child of 16 months works at a relationship.