I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

How long have you been with YOUR partner? How many years did he have to log before your sister deigned to recognise him as a BIL?

This isn’t comparable. In-laws are just that - people you are related to by law. A comparable situation would be the OP throwing a strop because her sister didn’t consider her partner a ‘brother’.

Your mum sounds really unkind to put it mildly. It's your decision what your son calls your stepdad. Please don't let her blackmail you into getting her own way!

I agree with most posters that it's totally up to you.

But I also very much see @DisplayPurposesOnly 's point in saying it won't be what your child sees.

Parents on both sides are divorced for us. His mum, my mum and has dad all have new partners. Apart from his dad's partner (mutual choice) they get called papa /grandpa and granny/gran. For us it works great and noone feels upset or left out.

I didn't know anything about my partners mum's bf until I had the wee one. Now we have a great relationship. Having a baby seems to have brought everyone together, and it's definitely worked for us.

As I mentioned though, it's your choice at the end of the day and if your mum wants to try and blackmail you, then tell her to do one.

WOW. I think what you've done here is horrid. You are only half way through the pregnancy, and you've already taken your Mum to one side, to tell her that her Partner will never be called Grandad? I would be gobsmacked if my daughter did that to me. And I'd be really upset, that of all the things you could be thinking about, with regards to this baby, that this is taking up your head space.

‘Horrid’? ‘Gobsmacked’? Massively overdramatic. The OP simply doesn’t want someone who makes little effort to get to know her to be given a title that puts him on a par with her biological father.

My son has 2 grandads and 3 nanny's. Because his stepnanny does so much for him. We call her "nanny -" and use her first name. He loves her to pieces. But of I or dh didn't get on with her and she wasn't like that the no way would we call her nanny. It's you call, not your mums.

How long have you been with YOUR partner? How many years did he have to log before your sister deigned to recognise him as a BIL?

Way to make sure your mums partner feels very unwelcome and not a family member! Good on you! You’ve just made it plainly obvious you do not want to know him better or let him have any relationship with his stepgrandson.

I think it depends on your relationship really. My stepdad is my daughter's Grandpa Firstname. He's been in our lives for 10+ years and does a huge amount for my DP and I, and he dotes on my DD. So I don't believe that only blood relatives can be called Grandpa or Grandma.

But if he's not involved in your lives, then it seems a bit weird and I'd just stick with using his first name. But I don't think I'd make it a hill to die on.

I agree with you OP, I'd just tell my child to call him his first name.If hes nothing to you then hes not going to be very involved with your child is he?

@Nanny0gg why would it matter what he is to OPs mother? He hasn’t made any effort with OP and probably won’t make any effort with OPs child either.

I don’t agree with you there OP.
What if the situation were reversed and your mum refused to call a stepchild of yours “grandson” on the ground of no shared DNA and the fact “it’s only been 4yrs.”
Her partner could likely be as involved as any grandparent in you child’s life. You don’t know what next 18yrs will hold.

Can’t you just find a different name to call him instead of grandad and grandpa?
He could be called pops or popssteve or papa Steve. Surely there’s a compromise to be had? You sound like you don’t like him very much.

My mums husband is not my step dad, but hes a wonderful man who has made the effort to know my husband and I, and adores my kids. He is papa first name.
My dads partner is lovely but they aren’t married. She goes by her name.

For me, it’s all about the relationship I have with my parents partners.

You are not being unreasonable that you don’t want him to have a special name, but you are a little in that him having one takes away from your dad. I wonder if you’d feel the same way if you did like him?

You mom is acting like a child. Let her be done. You are your child’s parent, you get to make the choices

I agree with you OP and not just from your point of view, also from your mother's partner's point of view. When my husband's daughter was pregnant, she asked if I would like to be called Nanny by the child! I vehemently said no - the child is not my grandchild and I would hate to be called Nanny anyway! Has anybody asked him if he wants to be called Granddad? First names are correct for anyone who is not a blood relative.

WOW. I think what you've done here is horrid. You are only half way through the pregnancy, and you've already taken your Mum to one side, to tell her that her Partner will never be called Grandad? I would be gobsmacked if my daughter did that to me. And I'd be really upset, that of all the things you could be thinking about, with regards to this baby, that this is taking up your head space.

How would you feel, if your Mum's Partner took you to one side and said "Just so you know, that baby you're carrying will never be my Grandson" ?? Would you feel shit? I bet you would. And it's effectively what you've done in reverse to your Mum and her Partner.

I haven;t read the whole thread but here's my twopennorth!

DS is three, DM had been with her new partner for two years and had newly moved in with him when DS was born. She made it very clear that she wanted him to be called Grandad. My actual father was still alive (died in Feb this year) but we were estranged so I didn't have any feelings about making him feel bad IYSWIM?

As it turned out, I've ended up referring to him as Grandad First Name purely to please my mother. The man means nothing to me and I see him, at best, twice a year. My brother has an 8 month old daughter and, by proxy, my mum's boyfriend is also referred to as Grandad X by him and his family now, too.

It doesn't entirely sit well with me, I do think it is odd. I don't think of this man as my step father and he isn't DS' biological grandfather... BUT DP doesn't know who his bio dad is either, as his DM got pregnant on purpose and, on purpose, did it by herself without informing the birth father. She married when DP was 2 and that man adopted DP, so is his legal father, but not his bio one. There was never any question about DS referring to him as Grandad.

Swings and roundabouts, I suppose. There will be (IME) many other arguments to come concerning GPs and your DC, so I'd be tempted to just do as they ask. Having said that, DS generally refers to DP's parents by their first names anyway, despite us calling them Granny B and Grandad C from the very beginning, so your DC might well call them whatever they like!!

I would agree a nickname like 'pops' or something that is affectionate and special but not grandad.

However I call my step grandparents grandma/grandpa

Step families are so difficult. My dads wife asked to be called grandma by my kids. I was fine with that (we fell out after second dc was born which was before first dc had even started talking so it never happened).

However my mum wanted similar for her DH. The difference is they live on the other side of the world. Her DH has been over 3 times I think - my DC's have really only met him once. I don't feel comfortable them calling him grandfather name but I let her refer to him as that and I refer to him by his name.

I've just asked my 11 year old what he calls Nama's husband and he said he doesn't even know. It's not grandad.... probably Name.

Different I know but I had two step grandmothers - one who had brought up my dad from when he was a little boy, And my step-dad's parents. We called them all Nanny along with my maternal grandmother. When my own children were born, they called my step-dad 'grandad' and I was happy with them doing so. The difference is that in all cases, the step-grandparents cared and acted as any 'real' grandparent would. And it was our DCs choice. In your case, I don't think I would be happy since your mother's partner has made it clear that he doesn't see himself in that role wrt your children and your sister's children. I am now a grandparent myself and see the role as a privilege, not a right. Definitely not just a 'name' given to someone who happens to be a partner to one of the grandparents.
Your mum has made it clear where her loyalties lie, And it's not with her children or grandchildren.

PPs have given very good advice here. If you once capitulate to this kind of emotional blackmail it will never end. Call her bluff, make it clear no contact is not what you want but if that's what she's decided, so be it. My guess is she'll probably sulk for a while and the reappear when the baby is born, but there is no way she's going to stick to this resolve.

As for the bestowing of a 'Grandad' title in a blended-family situation, this man is not your DC's grandad. He's your DM's partner. There is nothing whatsoever disrespectful or dismissive about addressing him by his actual name, particularly if your DF is the actual grandfather and still taking an active part in yours and your DC's life.

To back down on this would be making an enormous rod for your own back, and , potentially, your DC's. Stick to your guns. YANBU.

I just find it astonishing that your mother would tell you that it's not for you to 'dictate' to you and that 'you're done' if you don't back down! (My mother is also a bit of a dictator and tbh, probably would have gone behind my back, but she would never have threatened to halt contact!). I'd only known my mother's partner/husband for a few years before I had children. He is a lovely chap so I was happy for him to be called Grandpa (and what an amazing grandpa he has been to my kids over the last 8 years). However, my Dad had died, so I didn't have that to contend with.

Your mum's partner might make a wonderful grandparent in time (how is he with your sister's baby?). And even if they did separate after a few years, he could still be in their lives. However, it really is your decision. How does your father feel? Does he have a new partner? If he did,how would you feel about calling her Grandma?

My biggest concern is your mother dictating to you! Threatening to cut you and your baby out if her life is, quite frankly, ridiculous! You should not allow yourself to be bullied. The crux is how much support would your mother give you when a baby comes along (emotionally and physically). You're likely to be extremely tired and hormonal. Can you deal with her when feeling like that? Is the relationship worth persevering with? You have a child to think about now and need to weigh up the pros and cons of having her in your babies life (particularly if things are strained). Alternatively, if you do get over this issue, there could be positives in maintaining relationships and showing children how to resolve disputes. Ultimately though, this should be your decision, not your mothers!

I feel like your pain OP. For many years I said happy step mothers day to my dad's wife on mother's day. One year they objected saying she doesn't like the term so I just haven't acknowledged the date since.

When I have kids, they will will call his wife a term I don't really like like nanna. However dad and his wife are married and she does care for us so feel she deserves a passive aggressive term of endearment.

Remember kids aren't daft and they will have a strong bond with your dad if they spend a lot of time with him. Whatever they call your mum's partner will just be a term.

As your child's parents the final choice is up to you and your partner

Personally I've never had an issue with it - probably because you can have more than one grandfather

If he has been in the CHILD's life (not yours) since birth and is playing that grandfatherly role I'd be quite happy for them to call him Grandad firstname or a similar name

however as others have said I'd be more annoyed at the 'we're done' emotional blackmail

Stand firm.

You hold all the ace cards.

Why can't your DM just do as you ask?

I'm a DGM and a MiL and I listen to my DCs, they are the parents and I abide by their wishes regarding my DGC.